No motivation

I don't know what my deal is lately but I have no motivation for anything: no motivation for running, work, interning, nothing. This is bad because we're going into week two of the quarter and I already don't want to do school work. I'm taking the comps in five weeks and I have no motivation to study, even though I HAVE to pass this time around.

I feel like all I've wanted to do lately is sleep. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been pulling anywhere from 10-12 hour days the three days a week I've been working. I know this was what I originally wanted but it's draining me. By the end of those days, I have no energy for anything. The two days a week I intern, I go straight to class after which is also exhausting. I know this is all going to be worth it and in nine months when I hold that degree in my hand I'll be glad I did it but man, right now it's just too much. I secretly sometimes wish I could quit my job and just focus on school but we all know that's not happening anytime soon.

I've had a lot on my mind about a lot of things and I can sense that God's about to open and close some doors in my life. I can't figure out exactly which doors are about to open and close but I know it's about to happen. We've been doing a new series at Crossroads on friendship and the last couple of weeks have been convicting me in a lot of ways. I think that's why I feel so out of sorts lately. I know God is about to do something big. I just don't know what it is.

I miss running but I don't even have the motivation for that. Today was the Race for the Cure, which was supposed to be my second race of the season and that clearly did not happen. I need to get myself back on track. I've put on a good ten pounds lately and I need to get back to the gym not only to run, but to be healthy. I need to start making some better eating choices, drinking more water, and working out again. I think that's part of why I feel so out of sorts. I feel a lot better about myself after I've been to the gym and had a good workout.

Denver has been on my mind a lot today. I feel like I've fallen out of touch with Mike, who I consider one of my best friends. I can't remember the last time we had a long conversation. We talked two weeks ago but it felt awkward. I don't know. I was looking through pictures tonight and they make me miss Denver a lot. I miss my friends and the beauty of the area and the part of me I leave behind every time I come home. I'm still tossing around the idea of flying out to take the boards. It's just a matter of trying to figure out when and how to make it happen.

Honestly, I know what's holding me back and I wish I could figure out where that particular situation stands. But, I know I need to take it slow and day by day. Baby steps. After tonight at Crossroads, I know that where things are right now are exactly where they're supposed to be, but a bigger part of me wants to rush things, even though I know that's not good either.

I'm just so...overwhelmed and confused and torn right now. I just can't make sense of anything. I don't even know where I'm going writing this. I think I just needed to clear my head. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Or...I don't know. One day at a time...