Exciting happenings

To say it's been a rough week emotionally would be an understatement. I have been a mess this week. I finally reached a point on Friday where I realized that most of my issue was coming from the fact that I KNOW that God is about to do something big in my life and I can feel Satan poking at me and trying to break down my level of faith. It felt like I was taking one blow after another this week until I decided last night that I wasn't going to do it anymore, that I was going to focus on the good and the promises that God has given me and not let Satan win.

Well, that lasted all of about 14 hours until I woke up this morning and got into it with my mom. My mom and I are very close and it's few and far between that we get into an argument but it came to blows today (for reasons I don't want to talk about) and I left the house for church in tears. I got to church and my sister had seen my facebook status and called me and I ended up standing outside of church for about 10 minutes just in tears. I have never been so grateful for one of my guy friends as I was for Evan this morning. He was walking into church as I was outside on the phone and when he saw me crying, he immediately came over and put his arms around me and just held me as I cried.

After church I went to lunch with my group of guy friends who managed to distract me by making me laugh and just being ridiculous, which was just what I needed. Evan and I are going to hang out later tonight since I'm off from my internship tomorrow and he's going to let me vent, something I seriously need to do. He's been praying for me since Thursday when I text him in meltdown mode and he's been worried about me ever since.

I hate these moments. I hate the moments when I know God is about to do something big and Satan attacks. It's when I become most vulnerable and I want to give in and let my feelings and emotions take over and win, something I know I can't do. If Satan is already attacking this early into the decisions I've made, then I can just sense what's going to happen the closer to summer we get. Argh!

So...the exciting happenings, since clearly none of my emotional meltdown is exciting. haha As I've mentioned several times in the past, I was praying about going to Haiti. I went to an informational meeting last week after service and really felt like God was calling me to go, even though at that point I was still fighting it. I've been fighting this call since Seth first announced he wanted to take the youth to Haiti this summer and asked us adults to also pray about going. I kept telling God "No way! There is NO WAY I'm going overseas, to another country, out of my comfort zone. Besides, I'm so picky, what am I going to eat in Haiti for 10 days?!" Oh yes...this was the argument I had with God. I was more worried about food then going and doing God's work. :-P

Well, this week, I've spent a lot of time praying about it and researching vaccines, passports, etc. and finally made the decision that I was going to listen to God's call and go. The final decision honestly came down to the timing of the vaccines. For the hepatitis series, you have to have six months between the first and last shots, something I was unsure I could do because I won't be able to afford any of these until January. Well, guess what? It just so happens that if I go the first or second week of January and get the first round of the shots, I'll be good to go to have them all in before the end of July when we would leave for Haiti.

Then, I went to Crossroads last night (that's a long story in itself....I haven't been there in about six weeks and only went because I was hanging out with Adge and Dan) and they did a sermon on serving and having a servant's heart. They showed these videos of people who have been called to just give of themselves because they have so much already and I teared up. I could feel God telling me, "Heather, you already have so much. Why won't you put my people over your selfish insecurities?" Wow. Then, today, I was in service at my own church and we had missionaries from Paraguay visiting who spoke on the mission work they're doing and the woman said something that just stuck with me. She told us that even in the midst of our weakness and uncertainty, God uses us. She said that we shouldn't let our fears and weaknesses hold us back because God is going to use those for good.

Between those two messages and then the incredible worship at both churches filled with songs like "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath and "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin, I knew God was confirming that He wants me in Haiti for 10 days this summer. Yes, I am still terrified and yes I am still uncertain, but I know God is going to use those feelings for good and I'm trusting that He's leading me right where He wants me.

Then, on top of that, Megan and I are planning a girl's overnight in early February sometime. We have some concerns over where our girls' hearts are and so we're doing a night revolved around the idea of purity and our identity as girls in Christ. Megan's working on the main message and I'm creating a devotional that's going to be wrapped around music, an idea I came up with after driving to work on Friday morning and listening to the song "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz on repeat. I love to write and I could feel God calling me to use several songs and creating devotionals to go along with them that the girls could take home after our all nighter, that they could pray through and study from. I'm also going to give them cds with the songs on them so they can listen to them when they need reminders of God's promises.

God is doing so much good in my life right now and using me to reach out to others that I hate that I've been going through so much emotional turmoil this week. I know that this is because I'm letting myself become vulnerable and open to the idea of surrendering myself and doing God's work. He has me right where He wants me and Satan is trying to bring me down. I refuse to let it happen. I'm thankful for the friends that have been there, reminding me of God's promises and allowing me to cry and express myself and reminding me that I'm going to be okay.

Even in the midst of some of the pain this week, I feel joyful because I have finally allowed God to take over and take me where He wants me. I never would have expected that I'd be going to Haiti this summer or writing a devotional for teen girls but that's exactly what God has me doing. I'm so excited for once to actually branch out of my comfort zone and get out of my bubble. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is God's plan and not mine and to NOT run from it when things start to get tough. I'm ready. Bring on the next eight months!