Reflections on 2018

As I reflect back on 2018, I don't think I've ever been so thankful to see a year come to a close as I am this one. It feels as if 2018 was just one hit after another and I spent a good chunk of the year treading water, pretending I was fine when I really wasn't. I put on a smile and pushed people away so they couldn't see how I was really breaking inside. 

But, as I look back on and process through 2018, I know that in time I will see areas of growth. When  this year first started, I had so many goals and dreams and hopes, all of which slowly fell apart as the punches just kept coming. I was having a conversation with a friend recently when we were in the car driving downtown and I told her that I feel like a constant hot mess, one who struggles to see her worth. We were processing through some relationships in my life that have fallen apart, talking about work and areas that I still struggle with in my career, and just life in general. As I shared with her words that my counselor had spoken over me, she kept asking me if I could see how huge this was for my life. I may not see it as a victory, but allowing myself to see a counselor was a huge step towards freedom, one she specifically has been praying for for me for years. I've always been resistant to the idea of talking to someone because I see it as a weakness to my own life, but yet I encourage my students to talk about their feelings and struggles. 

About a month ago, I was having a conversation with another friend and telling him about a realization I had had one night as I was driving. I told him I felt like I was being led towards the words "worthy," "loved," and "beautiful" as my words for 2019. Each year I choose a word that becomes the theme of my life for that year and while I don't know that there was one for 2018, I feel as if God is going to use those three words in 2019 to bring freedom to my life in so many areas this year. These three words are wrapped up in so much pain and brokenness in my mind and heart and this year I intend to speak those words into truth and let go of the pain associated with them. Last night I sat and created my goal sheet for 2019 and made sure to set goals of regular quiet times with my Bible, along with reading books and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of my worth. 

2018 was a difficult year, one I am glad to see coming to an end. However, I genuinely believe that 2019 will be a year of freedom, growth, and identity building. My confidence increased in some areas in 2018, but I believe that in 2019 God is going to break the strongholds in my life and teach me what it means to be beautiful, loved, and worthy. At this time a year from now, I want to be able to look back and see how God redeemed my brokenness and turned my story into something beautiful.  

The importance of friendship

I had a lot of time in the car today to think, something I think my brain and heart very much needed. There wasn't much on the radio (even all my satellite radio stations changed to Christmas music) so I was able to let my mind wander and process through some stuff that's been on my heart for awhile.

Over the course of the past year, I started evaluating the relationships in my life. I could hear God speaking some truth into my life when I went to Woman Camp back in the spring about a particular friendship I had been clinging to because we had been friends since high school. I could hear God nudging my heart, showing me how unhealthy that friendship had become. Then this summer, that friendship shifted due to some life changes. Shortly after, I had another friendship shift, one that was surprising and unexpected. I've learned that when emotions get involved, someone gets hurt, and inevitably, it always seems to be me.

With these shifting friendships have come questions about my own worth. I struggled to understand why I was good enough to be someone's go to person, the person they went to for advice, to hang out with, etc. but the minute someone "better" came along, I was cast aside and forgotten about. I couldn't understand why some of these relationships that have been years in the making were suddenly extinct.

What I've learned in 2018 as I've struggled through one of the hardest years of my life, is that the people who genuinely care about me, the people who love me unconditionally, these are the people who fight for me. They are the people who sit with me in a Mexican restaurant and tell me to stop shutting them out, that they want to carry my burdens. They are the people who send Voxer messages to me several times a week and pour truth into my life. They are the people who drive two and a half hours just to have lunch with me to celebrate Christmas. They are the people who turn down the radio in the car and listen to me vent and cry. They are the people who send me $5.00 via Venmo and tell me to treat myself to Starbucks and to remember that I am loved and that God has my back. They are the person who I meet on a mission trip who go on to change my life by pointing me to Jesus on a regular basis. They are the people who are married with kids who make time to take me to the theater to see my favorite Broadway production for my birthday. They are the kindergarten best friends who sit with me in a restaurant on Fountain Square and listen to me cry. They are the friends who sit in my office and let me cry, even when I don't know why I'm crying. They are the people who give up a Sunday to film video clips for my coaching business and who hug me when I need it most. They are the people I text with an immediate prayer request and they immediately send out prayers. They are the people who hug me on Saturdays while we hold doors open at church and remind me of the God who loves me and is holding me up when I feel like I am alone. They are the people who I spend time with that I only see a couple times a year but with whom I pick right back up again. They are the people who send me text messages just to say hi and let me know I haven't been forgotten about. They are the people who I've never officially met in person but who show me Jesus by loving me and building my confidence. They are the people I meet through a hiking group that I feel like I've known forever after meeting just once in person. They are the people I used to work with who now live in other cities (or even overseas!) but still call me when big things happen in their lives that they want me to know about or who send me facebook messages just to tell me they miss me. They're the people who live clear on the other side of town but who text me regularly just to check in or talk to me about Disney World or ministry. They’re the friends who live in another state but who get my heart and encourage me to dream big when I tell them I want to write a book and who call me when I’m crying and feel like I’ve just had my heart broken and remind me that I will get through this season of change.

These people are the ones who remind me of Jesus and of my strength. These are the relationships that are important. I spent so much of 2018 mourning the friendships that were changing and trying so hard to cling to them but what I've come to realize is that my worth is not found in those people. I was tying myself to people who didn't make me a priority and not seeing the beautiful friendships I still had right in front of me. 2018 was a hard year but I am thankful for these people who have loved me despite the messiness and remind me of what's important.

So if you are reading this and you are one of those people...thank you. Without all of you, my life just wouldn't make sense. Thank you for loving me and always being the people who build me up when I need it most. You are an important piece to my life and I can't imagine life without all of you. Thank you for being the best part of my story in 2018.

Be Still

I haven't touched my blog in over a year. There's no real reason for it other than...life. There have been so many changes since that last blog post. I moved in with a friend for a year, life shifted and I moved back home, I started a health and fitness journey, I've traveled a lot...I could go on and on about all the things that have happened.

But...that's not what's on my heart tonight. I've had several friends suggest that I blog, especially after sharing with them that I wanted to write a book someday. Writing a book for teen girls centered around identity has been a dream of mine for a long time, something I am hoping will come to fruition someday. For now, my blog will become a place for me to share the things on my heart and to make sense of life when it gets complicated.

Each day, I hear stories from my students that break my heart. When I look at some of my students, I see myself. I see my childhood. I see the brokenness. I see the pain. I see the longing for someone to love them and understand them. I see the struggles to open their hearts, wondering if they can actually trust me or if I will be just another adult that lets them down. I see them finally let their guard down. I see stories of redemption and beauty that comes from the ashes.

Each day, I look at my family and friends and see their burdens. I pick them up and I carry them. I listen as they cry. I give advice. Sometimes I lecture. I laugh with them. I cry with them. I hug them when they need it.

But...I see myself. I see the girl who stares back at me from the mirror, the girl who has grown in confidence over the past year and a half, but who still doesn't know how to be still. I see the girl who carries the weight of the world, of her friends, her family, and her students, but doesn't allow anyone to carry her weight. I see the girl who keeps busy to avoid her own thoughts. I see the girl who doesn't know how to grieve and hurt and cry. I see the girl who tries so hard to be strong for everyone else but doesn't know how to be strong for herself.

Back in November, I finally cracked. While I have grown tremendously and found strength inside of me that I didn't know I had, I also realized that I don't know how to allow myself to FEEL. So after a day of driving to work in tears, being unable to put to words how I felt, I fell apart in my doctor's office and asked for a referral to a counselor. I knew I could no longer carry the burdens I have been carrying for far too long and I asked for help.

Yesterday, I had my first counseling appointment. It was filled with tears, just like I knew it would be. But in that first session, I began to open the cracks and I began the healing process. My counselor called me out on how busy I am, on taking care of everyone else but not taking care of myself. She asked me what made me feel joyful and I honestly could not answer her. I told her how difficult 2018 has been and that looking back, I'm not sure how much joy there had been. I told her I feel as if I have lost sight of who I am, what I enjoy, and what brings me joy. I told her about the losses of three people from my life this year, losses I didn't know how to grieve because I was too busy being the strong person for everyone else.

In that session yesterday, she gave me homework. She told me that at least twice a week I need to give myself 30 minutes to lay on my bed and just feel. She told me to set a timer and for 30 minutes I need to let my brain sort through the past year and to allow whatever emotions I feel to come to the surface. She gave me permission to cry. She gave me permission to hurt. She gave me permission to be angry. But, she also reminded me to not sit in that place. She told me that when the timer goes off, to tuck it back in and to remind myself I will come back to it again the next day and I can sit in those emotions again. Her final instruction was that after I tuck those feelings away, I need to live. I need to remember the good things I have in my life and to find what makes me joyful. She doesn't want me to sit in those feelings of anger and sadness and to instead remember what makes my life joyful and worth living.

I know this isn't going to be easy. But, I trust that just like watching my students overcome their struggles and to find the beauty in their brokenness, that God is going to redeem my story and make something beautiful out of these ashes. He has a beautiful plan and purpose for my life and I need to keep those reminders front and center when life gets hard.

This blog is going to be the story of redemption, of hope, and of beauty. It won't always be pretty, but it's my story and I know God is going to do something beautiful through it all.