I had a lot of time in the car today to think, something I think my brain and heart very much needed. There wasn't much on the radio (even all my satellite radio stations changed to Christmas music) so I was able to let my mind wander and process through some stuff that's been on my heart for awhile.
Over the course of the past year, I started evaluating the relationships in my life. I could hear God speaking some truth into my life when I went to Woman Camp back in the spring about a particular friendship I had been clinging to because we had been friends since high school. I could hear God nudging my heart, showing me how unhealthy that friendship had become. Then this summer, that friendship shifted due to some life changes. Shortly after, I had another friendship shift, one that was surprising and unexpected. I've learned that when emotions get involved, someone gets hurt, and inevitably, it always seems to be me.
With these shifting friendships have come questions about my own worth. I struggled to understand why I was good enough to be someone's go to person, the person they went to for advice, to hang out with, etc. but the minute someone "better" came along, I was cast aside and forgotten about. I couldn't understand why some of these relationships that have been years in the making were suddenly extinct.
What I've learned in 2018 as I've struggled through one of the hardest years of my life, is that the people who genuinely care about me, the people who love me unconditionally, these are the people who fight for me. They are the people who sit with me in a Mexican restaurant and tell me to stop shutting them out, that they want to carry my burdens. They are the people who send Voxer messages to me several times a week and pour truth into my life. They are the people who drive two and a half hours just to have lunch with me to celebrate Christmas. They are the people who turn down the radio in the car and listen to me vent and cry. They are the people who send me $5.00 via Venmo and tell me to treat myself to Starbucks and to remember that I am loved and that God has my back. They are the person who I meet on a mission trip who go on to change my life by pointing me to Jesus on a regular basis. They are the people who are married with kids who make time to take me to the theater to see my favorite Broadway production for my birthday. They are the kindergarten best friends who sit with me in a restaurant on Fountain Square and listen to me cry. They are the friends who sit in my office and let me cry, even when I don't know why I'm crying. They are the people who give up a Sunday to film video clips for my coaching business and who hug me when I need it most. They are the people I text with an immediate prayer request and they immediately send out prayers. They are the people who hug me on Saturdays while we hold doors open at church and remind me of the God who loves me and is holding me up when I feel like I am alone. They are the people who I spend time with that I only see a couple times a year but with whom I pick right back up again. They are the people who send me text messages just to say hi and let me know I haven't been forgotten about. They are the people who I've never officially met in person but who show me Jesus by loving me and building my confidence. They are the people I meet through a hiking group that I feel like I've known forever after meeting just once in person. They are the people I used to work with who now live in other cities (or even overseas!) but still call me when big things happen in their lives that they want me to know about or who send me facebook messages just to tell me they miss me. They're the people who live clear on the other side of town but who text me regularly just to check in or talk to me about Disney World or ministry. They’re the friends who live in another state but who get my heart and encourage me to dream big when I tell them I want to write a book and who call me when I’m crying and feel like I’ve just had my heart broken and remind me that I will get through this season of change.
These people are the ones who remind me of Jesus and of my strength. These are the relationships that are important. I spent so much of 2018 mourning the friendships that were changing and trying so hard to cling to them but what I've come to realize is that my worth is not found in those people. I was tying myself to people who didn't make me a priority and not seeing the beautiful friendships I still had right in front of me. 2018 was a hard year but I am thankful for these people who have loved me despite the messiness and remind me of what's important.
So if you are reading this and you are one of those people...thank you. Without all of you, my life just wouldn't make sense. Thank you for loving me and always being the people who build me up when I need it most. You are an important piece to my life and I can't imagine life without all of you. Thank you for being the best part of my story in 2018.
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