Be Still

I haven't touched my blog in over a year. There's no real reason for it other than...life. There have been so many changes since that last blog post. I moved in with a friend for a year, life shifted and I moved back home, I started a health and fitness journey, I've traveled a lot...I could go on and on about all the things that have happened.

But...that's not what's on my heart tonight. I've had several friends suggest that I blog, especially after sharing with them that I wanted to write a book someday. Writing a book for teen girls centered around identity has been a dream of mine for a long time, something I am hoping will come to fruition someday. For now, my blog will become a place for me to share the things on my heart and to make sense of life when it gets complicated.

Each day, I hear stories from my students that break my heart. When I look at some of my students, I see myself. I see my childhood. I see the brokenness. I see the pain. I see the longing for someone to love them and understand them. I see the struggles to open their hearts, wondering if they can actually trust me or if I will be just another adult that lets them down. I see them finally let their guard down. I see stories of redemption and beauty that comes from the ashes.

Each day, I look at my family and friends and see their burdens. I pick them up and I carry them. I listen as they cry. I give advice. Sometimes I lecture. I laugh with them. I cry with them. I hug them when they need it.

But...I see myself. I see the girl who stares back at me from the mirror, the girl who has grown in confidence over the past year and a half, but who still doesn't know how to be still. I see the girl who carries the weight of the world, of her friends, her family, and her students, but doesn't allow anyone to carry her weight. I see the girl who keeps busy to avoid her own thoughts. I see the girl who doesn't know how to grieve and hurt and cry. I see the girl who tries so hard to be strong for everyone else but doesn't know how to be strong for herself.

Back in November, I finally cracked. While I have grown tremendously and found strength inside of me that I didn't know I had, I also realized that I don't know how to allow myself to FEEL. So after a day of driving to work in tears, being unable to put to words how I felt, I fell apart in my doctor's office and asked for a referral to a counselor. I knew I could no longer carry the burdens I have been carrying for far too long and I asked for help.

Yesterday, I had my first counseling appointment. It was filled with tears, just like I knew it would be. But in that first session, I began to open the cracks and I began the healing process. My counselor called me out on how busy I am, on taking care of everyone else but not taking care of myself. She asked me what made me feel joyful and I honestly could not answer her. I told her how difficult 2018 has been and that looking back, I'm not sure how much joy there had been. I told her I feel as if I have lost sight of who I am, what I enjoy, and what brings me joy. I told her about the losses of three people from my life this year, losses I didn't know how to grieve because I was too busy being the strong person for everyone else.

In that session yesterday, she gave me homework. She told me that at least twice a week I need to give myself 30 minutes to lay on my bed and just feel. She told me to set a timer and for 30 minutes I need to let my brain sort through the past year and to allow whatever emotions I feel to come to the surface. She gave me permission to cry. She gave me permission to hurt. She gave me permission to be angry. But, she also reminded me to not sit in that place. She told me that when the timer goes off, to tuck it back in and to remind myself I will come back to it again the next day and I can sit in those emotions again. Her final instruction was that after I tuck those feelings away, I need to live. I need to remember the good things I have in my life and to find what makes me joyful. She doesn't want me to sit in those feelings of anger and sadness and to instead remember what makes my life joyful and worth living.

I know this isn't going to be easy. But, I trust that just like watching my students overcome their struggles and to find the beauty in their brokenness, that God is going to redeem my story and make something beautiful out of these ashes. He has a beautiful plan and purpose for my life and I need to keep those reminders front and center when life gets hard.

This blog is going to be the story of redemption, of hope, and of beauty. It won't always be pretty, but it's my story and I know God is going to do something beautiful through it all.