As I reflect back on 2018, I don't think I've ever been so thankful to see a year come to a close as I am this one. It feels as if 2018 was just one hit after another and I spent a good chunk of the year treading water, pretending I was fine when I really wasn't. I put on a smile and pushed people away so they couldn't see how I was really breaking inside.
But, as I look back on and process through 2018, I know that in time I will see areas of growth. When this year first started, I had so many goals and dreams and hopes, all of which slowly fell apart as the punches just kept coming. I was having a conversation with a friend recently when we were in the car driving downtown and I told her that I feel like a constant hot mess, one who struggles to see her worth. We were processing through some relationships in my life that have fallen apart, talking about work and areas that I still struggle with in my career, and just life in general. As I shared with her words that my counselor had spoken over me, she kept asking me if I could see how huge this was for my life. I may not see it as a victory, but allowing myself to see a counselor was a huge step towards freedom, one she specifically has been praying for for me for years. I've always been resistant to the idea of talking to someone because I see it as a weakness to my own life, but yet I encourage my students to talk about their feelings and struggles.
About a month ago, I was having a conversation with another friend and telling him about a realization I had had one night as I was driving. I told him I felt like I was being led towards the words "worthy," "loved," and "beautiful" as my words for 2019. Each year I choose a word that becomes the theme of my life for that year and while I don't know that there was one for 2018, I feel as if God is going to use those three words in 2019 to bring freedom to my life in so many areas this year. These three words are wrapped up in so much pain and brokenness in my mind and heart and this year I intend to speak those words into truth and let go of the pain associated with them. Last night I sat and created my goal sheet for 2019 and made sure to set goals of regular quiet times with my Bible, along with reading books and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of my worth.
2018 was a difficult year, one I am glad to see coming to an end. However, I genuinely believe that 2019 will be a year of freedom, growth, and identity building. My confidence increased in some areas in 2018, but I believe that in 2019 God is going to break the strongholds in my life and teach me what it means to be beautiful, loved, and worthy. At this time a year from now, I want to be able to look back and see how God redeemed my brokenness and turned my story into something beautiful.
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