Merry Christmas all! This year my heart hasn't been into Christmas and I think a lot of it is because I wasn't able to buy gifts for anyone in my family because I've been struggling with my finances due to a limited work schedule because of school. It took going to Christmas Eve service last night and the reminder of what the season is truly about to bring me out of my funk. I also love that Christmas fell on a Sunday this year and I got to start my Christmas Day by worshiping with my church family, which is always amazing.
I have so much to update on, especially on my word(s) for 2012. Last year's word was believe and I look forward to doing an update on how I grew by trusting and believing the Lord in 2011. For 2012, I can feel God laying the words strength and growth on my heart and I look forward to writing about what I think those words will bring to my life in 2012. Plus, I owe updates on every major area of my life, from love to school to work.
For now, I'm going to go catch a quick nap before my sister and her boyfriend and the kids come over so the kids can open gifts from my parents. My stomach has been queasy since leaving my cousin's (stupid rolling hills between home and Oxford....now I remember why I typically drive myself. I hate motion sickness. Ugh!) so I'm going to go drink some water and try to sleep it off.
I hope you all had a very, Merry Christmas. :-)
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
When one door closes, another opens...
I wasn't going to blog tonight but I just got in from spending time with J, which typically throws me for a loop emotionally. However, he brought his new girlfriend home and I have to admit that as nervous as I was about meeting her, I adore her. I text Evan when I got in and told him I was pretty sure I had just met J's future wife. That's how perfect I think she is for him. It was obvious in the short amount of time I spent with them before she went to bed so we could catch up that he cares more for her in the few months they've been dating than he did for his girlfriend he had at OSU.
It felt good to "officially" close the door on my past with J tonight. Even though I thought that door was closed after the conversation we had in May, it was officially closed tonight. I was even able to joke with him about our past which is always a good sign. I am genuinely happy for him and feel nothing but content at where we stand as friends.
However, as all good friends in my life, he knows me better than I know myself and wasn't afraid to call me out on how I feel right now with another person in my life. It amazes me how even from D.C. he still knows me better than I know myself. It was a geunine relief to be able to share with him how I felt and to have his support. I think out of any of my friends, his opinion ranks right up there with Megan and Vince's. I'm anxious for Vince to be here this coming week to get his feedback too.
I told Evan tonight when I got in that I feel content about where things stand with J and I and that I no longer doubt that God has something amazing planned for me. I can sense it, even if I don't 100 percent know what that plan is yet. I'm going to continue to trust Him and seek His will over my own. I think it's part of why I've been so up and down emotionally lately. I've been letting my head and my heart run away from me and not praying about it or spending time in the Word the way I know I need to be. How can I let God be at the center of any future relationship if I'm not allowing Him to be there before it even begins? After all, He's the one writing my love story right?
I think it will be interesting to see where things go in the next couple of months but for tonight, I am thankful for J and our friendship and how he will always be one of the people who knows me better than I know myself. It's also nice to know that distance doesn't change anything and even though we're both busy with grad school and work, we still have time to be there and support each other and be the friends we've always been. Time and distance mean nothing when it comes to the people who are your best friends.
It felt good to "officially" close the door on my past with J tonight. Even though I thought that door was closed after the conversation we had in May, it was officially closed tonight. I was even able to joke with him about our past which is always a good sign. I am genuinely happy for him and feel nothing but content at where we stand as friends.
However, as all good friends in my life, he knows me better than I know myself and wasn't afraid to call me out on how I feel right now with another person in my life. It amazes me how even from D.C. he still knows me better than I know myself. It was a geunine relief to be able to share with him how I felt and to have his support. I think out of any of my friends, his opinion ranks right up there with Megan and Vince's. I'm anxious for Vince to be here this coming week to get his feedback too.
I told Evan tonight when I got in that I feel content about where things stand with J and I and that I no longer doubt that God has something amazing planned for me. I can sense it, even if I don't 100 percent know what that plan is yet. I'm going to continue to trust Him and seek His will over my own. I think it's part of why I've been so up and down emotionally lately. I've been letting my head and my heart run away from me and not praying about it or spending time in the Word the way I know I need to be. How can I let God be at the center of any future relationship if I'm not allowing Him to be there before it even begins? After all, He's the one writing my love story right?
I think it will be interesting to see where things go in the next couple of months but for tonight, I am thankful for J and our friendship and how he will always be one of the people who knows me better than I know myself. It's also nice to know that distance doesn't change anything and even though we're both busy with grad school and work, we still have time to be there and support each other and be the friends we've always been. Time and distance mean nothing when it comes to the people who are your best friends.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
17 years...
They say when you're young, death doesn't hit you as hard. I, however, don't agree with that fact. I think that death can impact you, regardless of how old you are. The pain may fade, but the memories never do.
17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.
I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.
I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.
I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.
So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.
I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e
Save A Place For Me
Matthew West
Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
(Chorus)
I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...
(Chorus)
17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.
I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.
I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.
I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.
So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.
I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e
Save A Place For Me
Matthew West
Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
(Chorus)
I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...
(Chorus)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I want to write but...
I want to update. I do. I even keep opening up my web browser and then...nothing. I have so much I want to say, and no actual motivation to do it. So much has been going on, both good and bad, but for whatever reason, I'm just soaking in what's happening and finding it hard to get the words out.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, especially as I soak in all the good moments. I miss writing but lately I just haven't felt up to it. Life is floating by lately and I just haven't felt up to recording it. My camera has even been hiding out in my purse lately. Typically when we go places it's glued to my hand but even that has been too much.
I go between being completely content where I am right now and feeling ungrateful for where God has me. It's been trial and error but I'm learning. I know that's something I'll struggle with my entire life. It helps that lately I've been able to share a lot of how I'm feeling with one of my guy friends. I even told him last week at dinner that it helps to know he's normal and that his family is far from perfect. I sometimes struggle with the idea that no one could possibly understand what goes through my head and my heart and then God brings along the perfect person at the perfect time to show me that I'm wrong.
I don't know. I have so much I know I need to update on, such as school and Haiti and my family and my thoughts on my future and how I'm growing in the Lord but today, I just don't have the energy for it. I can't help but wonder if this rain is playing into it. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen sun. At this rate, it's going to be a long winter. *sigh*
That's not necessarily a bad thing, especially as I soak in all the good moments. I miss writing but lately I just haven't felt up to it. Life is floating by lately and I just haven't felt up to recording it. My camera has even been hiding out in my purse lately. Typically when we go places it's glued to my hand but even that has been too much.
I go between being completely content where I am right now and feeling ungrateful for where God has me. It's been trial and error but I'm learning. I know that's something I'll struggle with my entire life. It helps that lately I've been able to share a lot of how I'm feeling with one of my guy friends. I even told him last week at dinner that it helps to know he's normal and that his family is far from perfect. I sometimes struggle with the idea that no one could possibly understand what goes through my head and my heart and then God brings along the perfect person at the perfect time to show me that I'm wrong.
I don't know. I have so much I know I need to update on, such as school and Haiti and my family and my thoughts on my future and how I'm growing in the Lord but today, I just don't have the energy for it. I can't help but wonder if this rain is playing into it. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen sun. At this rate, it's going to be a long winter. *sigh*
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