17 years...

They say when you're young, death doesn't hit you as hard. I, however, don't agree with that fact. I think that death can impact you, regardless of how old you are. The pain may fade, but the memories never do.

17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.

I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.

I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.

I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.

So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.

I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e

Save A Place For Me
Matthew West

Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

(Chorus)

I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...

(Chorus)