I passed!!!

This has been an amazing two days! I got all of my financial support in for Haiti yesterday and then today I got the results back from the comprehensive exam I had to take to graduate from the counseling program and I PASSED!!!! This girl will officially have a Master's degree in June!!!!!

That's all I've got for right now. Vince is on his way in from Athens and I have some stuff I need to get done before he gets here but I just had to come and share that I passed!!!!! Let the celebration begin!!!!!

And we have a winner!

We have a winner! We are officially forgoing our spring break trip to Nashville and taking the money we were going to put towards that trip for a trip to New York City instead! For someone who is SUCH a city girl at heart and who LOVES big cities, I am so freaking excited about this vacation!!

Right now, the plan is a four day weekend in the City but I think I'm going to try and convince them into a couple of extra days. Something tells me four days just won't be enough time. Plus, I REALLY want to go to a Yankees game, since we all know I LOVE the Yankees. Plus, my beloved Reds are also playing the Mets the weekend we're looking at so if I can cross both the Yankees stadium and the Mets stadium off of my list in one trip I'm doing good. :-)

AHHH!!!! I can't wait! Laura and Miranda, you realize the three of us are totally going to have to go out for dinner and drinks one night right?!

So now friends who have been to New York City, throw out fun suggestions of things we absolutely HAVE to do while we're there!

Itching to get away

First off, I am FULLY FUNDED for Haiti this summer!!! Woo! God is soooo good! I am actually beyond funded, which is incredible. It has been so encouraging to watch this all happen and come together. Now I just need to finish up my vacccinations and get my passport and I'll be good to go!

With that being said, Denver this summer is NOT happening for reasons I would rather not discuss. Since that isn't happening, I'm looking at getting away either for a long weekend over Memorial Day weekend or sometime this summer. My friend Andrea and I were discussing Disney but I'm thinking going elsewhere. I don't know yet. I have a plane ticket to use since I'm not using it for spring break (we're driving to Nashville for a couple days instead of going on our cruise) so I want to use it to escape for a few days.

This is what I'm thinking. Feel free to chime in with thoughts/suggestions/comments, whatever.

1. Charlotte/Raleigh
I have friends both just outside of Charlotte and just outside of Raleigh. I could rent a car for a weekend and see both of them. (And yes of course this was inspired by my lovely blooper Megan!) A couple of my guy friends love roller coasters and Carowinds is located in Charlotte so they're thinking of going with me too.

2. Washington D.C.
One of my really good guy friends is working on his Mater's at the University of Maryland, College Park which is located just outside of D.C. I was thinking of visiting him and his girlfriend but doing some touristy stuff on my own to have some me time.

3. New York City
I am dying to visit New York City! I would love to see a play on Broadway, visit Times Square and Central Park and all the other millions of places I've only ever read about it. If I go to NYC, I wouldn't even have to rent a car. Actually, I wouldn't have to in D.C. either!

4. Seattle
I have always wanted to go to Seattle. There's just something about it that draws me in. I've read about it and obviously one of my favorite movies is Sleepless in Seattle and it's just somewhere I've always wanted to visit.

5. Chicago
People rave about Chicago and I've always wanted to go. I don't know a lot about it but it would be cool to visit and see why everyone loves it so much. Plus, if either of the MLB teams are home I could see a baseball game or two!

Obviously most of the cost of my plane ticket will be taken care of but then I have to factor in hotels/transportation. Anyone have any suggestions for long weekend getaways? I don't know how much time I can afford to take off. I was thinking maybe four or five days at the most. I'm looking for suggestions of places, costs, hotels, public transportation, that kind of thing.

So friends...give me your thoughts! I officially have wanderlust and want to run away, even if just for a couple of days. :-)

And my heart just broke a little more...

My stepdad just left to take my beloved puppy to the vet to have her put down. I know it's time but my heart hurts so much. She's been my best friend, my protector, and my heart and soul for the past 14 or 15 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without having her under my feet to trip over anymore, to lay with when I'm sad, and to snuggle up with when I sleep.

Rest in peace Missy. You were my best friend and I will forever miss you.

Falling apart

I'm falling apart tonight. I had an incredible morning at church, getting the chance to speak in all three services about going to Haiti this summer. The church took up a special offering for us and I'm now only $100 short of the technical cost of the trip.

Then I got home and everything fell apart. Typically we only check the mail once a week and my mom had laid my mail on the coffee table for me. As I was going through it, there was an envelope with my name on it and no return address. As soon as I saw the handwriting my blood ran cold. I looked at the postmark and it had come from Florida. It was from my dad, the man I've had NO contact with since my junior year of college in 2007.

Why now? Why now of all times did he decide to contact me? Once again, the letter was the same old stuff he always writes. He always starts it saying he's not going to talk about himself and wants to know how I am and then he goes on and on about his supposed recovery from his addictions and how he's struggling to find forgiveness within himself, blah blah blah. NOT ONCE does he apologize for the hell he put me through growing up. NOT ONCE has he EVER admitted the abuse we went through. NOT ONCE does he apologize for choosing drugs and alcohol over his family.

I knew what to expect and I stupidly opened that envelope anyway. I think there's always a part of me that will hold out hope that he's changed when in reality I know he never will. He had his chance. I don't need him. I have a father now who loves me unconditionally, who has been there for me more in the 11 years I've lived in Cincinnati than my real dad ever was. So why do I keep hoping he'll change? Why do I keep letting him hurt me, after all these years?

I laid on my bed and just cried for about an hour this afternoon. I hate that I let him hurt me. I hate that after one of the greatest mornings ever, he ruined it. I thought I was stronger than this. Why does he still have this hold over me?

All I've done today is mope after writing my school law paper. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and even though it's only 8:30, I'm ready to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just block the world out, even if just for one night.

I hate that he still makes me feel this way. And I hate that there's still a part of me that hopes he'll change and become the dad I've always wanted. I just want to keep the past in the past and every few years, he pops back in and makes me remember everything I've tried to forget.

I didn't need these memories tonight. Not on a night I should be rejoicing about all the good God is doing. Instead, I'm laying on the couch, under my favorite blanket, with memories of the past swirling through my brain. I even skipped my usual Sunday night with my youth kids because I just couldn't put on a happy face tonight.

Damn him. Damn him for the control he still has over me. I hate that I'm not strong enough to just let this roll off my back. I just want to forget and move on. Why does he keep coming back? Why can't he just leave me be?

My heart hurts. And I'm about to cry. It's time for me to go to bed.

Now that it's February...

I suppose now that it's February it's time for an update. I'm probably just going to do bullets because I'm tired and don't really feel up to writing a huge entry.

School:
School is going well. I'm officially registered for my final quarter and graduation is quickly approaching. I take my comprehensive exam to graduate from the counseling program for the second time next Saturday. Am I nervous? Absolutely. I need to pass or I have to petition to the department to write a thesis and I really don't want to have to do that. I did get the all clear to graduate as long as I pass the exam which is an amazing feeling. I can't believe in just a few short months I'll hold my Master's degree in my hands!

Internship:
Words can't even begin to describe how much I love, love, love my internship! I am now pretty much doing my own thing on the days that I'm there. I see a couple of kids regularly and I'm getting ready to start running a study skills group that will run for 7-10 weeks, depending on how much I can come up with curriculum wise. This is going to by my baby and I'm excited to take on such a big challenge.

I also hit a milestone last week and spoke in front of 300 eighth graders. I HATE public speaking with a passion so when Nicole told me she was going to make me present the guidance counselor part of the team meetings we have every quarter, I just looked at her like she was crazy. However, I did it and I did it like a champ! I barely looked at my notes and had the full attention of the kids I was speaking to. When I was finished, I got huge compliments from Nicole, the teachers, and even the principal, who NEVER gives compliments. That was huge for me. The confidence I had afterwards was an incredible feeling. It made getting up and presenting in front of 15 of my peers in class no big deal this week. It also affirmed how much I love the middle school age and how much I want to work with middle schoolers.

Work:
Work is...work. I do have to admit that as much as I'm over working in a preschool, I love that I'm not in a set classroom everyday anymore. Since I only work three days a week because of my internship, I float from room to room depending on where I'm needed. It's given me the chance to get to know all the kids and parents in the building and the constant change means that my patience level has gone up. I'm usually exhausted at the end of the day, but I love that each day is different.

On a career level though, I have officially started the job search for next year! With graduation quickly approaching, schools are beginning their hiring process. I've already applied for a couple of jobs in Denver and one school counseling job here in Cincinnati. I'm scanning job sites and school districts almost daily, hoping to jump on the application as soon as it's posted.

I was certain I'd end up in Denver next year but for many reasons I don't think it's going to happen. I'm still looking and applying but right now, I just feel like Denver isn't meant to happen. I was going to stay with the boys until I could get a place of my own and get on my feet but all of a sudden Mike is acting funny and has become MIA when I try to reach him. Plus, with the plans to go to Haiti, it would make it hard to relocate to Denver this summer. I don't know. Right now, I just believe that for whatever reason, I'm meant to stay in Ohio. If Denver is meant to happen, it will. If not, I'm content with staying here. God has a plan for me, regardless of where I end up at. I firmly believe that. :-)

Church:
I love where I am right now. I'm finally in a small group and I feel like I'm flourishing. My faith is definitely growing, which I love. Last year, my word for the year was believe. I was encouraged to believe that God is who He says He is and that He has big plans for my life. This year, the words I'm praying over are strength and growth. I want my faith to be strengthened and I want to grow. I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone and I want my faith to keep going up instead of getting stuck in some of the valleys I ended up in last year.

The biggest thing that is going to teach me to grow and that will strengthen my faith is going to Haiti. For months as Seth talked about this trip, I kept saying there was no way I was going overseas and no way I was going on a mission trip. I've never felt called to missions before. Well, I'm quickly learning that God has a sense of humor and when you tell Him what you're NOT going to do, He'll quickly tell you what you ARE going to do. :-P

So...I've been praying about Haiti and I'm officially registered for the 10 day trip in July. I started the vaccination process and the next step will be getting started on my passport. I can't believe I'm doing this but God has proven Himself faithful and the support has been rolling in. I'm about $800 short of the amount I have to technically raise, though I added an extra $600 to cover the expense of the vaccinations and passport that I'm paying for out of pocket. I still have about two full weeks before the deadline I put in my support letters and if I haven't raised the money by then, I'll be sending out another round or making some phone calls to do some follow up. I'm trusting God though, and I fully believe the support is going to come through. Once I started praying about this and trusting His plan, the support started rolling in. If God wants me in Haiti in July, He'll make it happen. I believe that. :-)

Believe it or not, I'm no longer afraid of this trip. Okay...well, I am, but only because I'm a picky eater. I fully plan to pack a suitcase with things like crackers and peanut butter to get me through the two weeks I'll be overseas so at least I know I won't go hungry. But, I'm not afraid of what this trip is going to bring. I do think it's going to break me and I have a feeling lots of tears will be shed, but I do think I'm going to grow like crazy by allowing God to take me out of comfortable little Ohio bubble for ten days. I'm nervous, but I'm more excited. I'm looking forward to the good things I know God is going to do on this trip.

Family:
Family is doing well. My newest nephew is growing so quickly! He'll be four months old on the 21st which is just crazy to think about already. He's so handsome and has aunt Heather wrapped around his little finger already. I just can't get enough of him. Logan is going to be eight on the 13th, which also boggles my mind. That means it's been EIGHT YEARS since my freshman year of college! Holy cow, where has the time gone?! He's SO smart and he still melts my heart when he hugs me and tells me he loves me. He's also going to hold such a special place in my heart because he was my first nephew. I love him, Daniel, and Savannah equally but he'll always be my baby. Savannah is going to be six in May and is in kindergarten now. She's full of attitude, all of which comes from my sister! She cracks me up with the stuff that comes out of her mouth. Sometimes I forget she's only five. I tell my sister she's five going on 15. haha

The biggest thing going on in our family right now is that we're talking about putting our dog down. It breaks my heart to even write about this but I just can't keep it bottled up anymore. She's getting old; she's at least 13 years old now I think. She started losing weight, she can't hold her bladder, and now she's having trouble seeing. I can't imagine not having her here but I can't stand the thought that she might be in pain. She's having spells where it seems like she's confused when she goes outside and will go out under the fence and then just circle our driveway like she doesn't know where to be. My mom went outside to get her the other night and she was just sitting between the car and the driveway, just sitting there. I cried myself to sleep last night because my parents brought up the discussion of what we're going to do and I just couldn't talk about it. It makes my heart hurt too much to think about it.

I hate to end on such a sad note but that's all I really have. That's my life in a nutshell. I think I covered the biggert points anyway. I'm sure there's probably more but it's 11:30 on Saturday night and my brain is officially turned off for the night. Hopefully it won't be a month before I update again!