Falling apart

I'm falling apart tonight. I had an incredible morning at church, getting the chance to speak in all three services about going to Haiti this summer. The church took up a special offering for us and I'm now only $100 short of the technical cost of the trip.

Then I got home and everything fell apart. Typically we only check the mail once a week and my mom had laid my mail on the coffee table for me. As I was going through it, there was an envelope with my name on it and no return address. As soon as I saw the handwriting my blood ran cold. I looked at the postmark and it had come from Florida. It was from my dad, the man I've had NO contact with since my junior year of college in 2007.

Why now? Why now of all times did he decide to contact me? Once again, the letter was the same old stuff he always writes. He always starts it saying he's not going to talk about himself and wants to know how I am and then he goes on and on about his supposed recovery from his addictions and how he's struggling to find forgiveness within himself, blah blah blah. NOT ONCE does he apologize for the hell he put me through growing up. NOT ONCE has he EVER admitted the abuse we went through. NOT ONCE does he apologize for choosing drugs and alcohol over his family.

I knew what to expect and I stupidly opened that envelope anyway. I think there's always a part of me that will hold out hope that he's changed when in reality I know he never will. He had his chance. I don't need him. I have a father now who loves me unconditionally, who has been there for me more in the 11 years I've lived in Cincinnati than my real dad ever was. So why do I keep hoping he'll change? Why do I keep letting him hurt me, after all these years?

I laid on my bed and just cried for about an hour this afternoon. I hate that I let him hurt me. I hate that after one of the greatest mornings ever, he ruined it. I thought I was stronger than this. Why does he still have this hold over me?

All I've done today is mope after writing my school law paper. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and even though it's only 8:30, I'm ready to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just block the world out, even if just for one night.

I hate that he still makes me feel this way. And I hate that there's still a part of me that hopes he'll change and become the dad I've always wanted. I just want to keep the past in the past and every few years, he pops back in and makes me remember everything I've tried to forget.

I didn't need these memories tonight. Not on a night I should be rejoicing about all the good God is doing. Instead, I'm laying on the couch, under my favorite blanket, with memories of the past swirling through my brain. I even skipped my usual Sunday night with my youth kids because I just couldn't put on a happy face tonight.

Damn him. Damn him for the control he still has over me. I hate that I'm not strong enough to just let this roll off my back. I just want to forget and move on. Why does he keep coming back? Why can't he just leave me be?

My heart hurts. And I'm about to cry. It's time for me to go to bed.