Trying to give up control

About two weeks ago, I made a major decision about my life, especially my dating life. Only a few people are aware of the decision I made (Megan, Tym, and my small group leader Seth) and that's because I knew I was going to need accountability since the dating area of my life is the one area I'm most vulnerable in.

I think that even though I knew subconsciously that this was going to end up being difficult, I think part of me also hoped that it would be an easy decision to follow through on. I did good for the first week, but this past week when I was home sick, I found myself fighting to take back control of that area from God. I started to act on that area of my life and then I found myself laying on the couch going, "Lord, what am I doing?"

I find that the area I most want to give up and know that I have to give up is the area that I am also most unwilling to give up. There's something comforting in knowing that I have control and if I have control, then of course it's going to end the way I want it to. However, I know beyond a doubt that I have to give this area of my life up to God. It has been my sole focus for far too long and it's come to a point where I know that I'm hindering the plans God has for my life because I refuse to give Him control.

I also came to the realization that I'm struggling to take back control because I'm not digging into the Word enough and not letting Christ be my sole provider and be enough for me. Until I do that, I'm going to struggle and continue to try to take control back. While it was a harsh realization that I'm not doing what I know the Lord is asking of me, it was also comforting to know that despite my flaws and despite my sins, He'll continue to love me and His grace will be sufficient for me. That is the comfort I've experienced in this situation this week and will continue to remind myself of as I know this area is something I'll struggle most with this year.