Merry Christmas all! This year my heart hasn't been into Christmas and I think a lot of it is because I wasn't able to buy gifts for anyone in my family because I've been struggling with my finances due to a limited work schedule because of school. It took going to Christmas Eve service last night and the reminder of what the season is truly about to bring me out of my funk. I also love that Christmas fell on a Sunday this year and I got to start my Christmas Day by worshiping with my church family, which is always amazing.
I have so much to update on, especially on my word(s) for 2012. Last year's word was believe and I look forward to doing an update on how I grew by trusting and believing the Lord in 2011. For 2012, I can feel God laying the words strength and growth on my heart and I look forward to writing about what I think those words will bring to my life in 2012. Plus, I owe updates on every major area of my life, from love to school to work.
For now, I'm going to go catch a quick nap before my sister and her boyfriend and the kids come over so the kids can open gifts from my parents. My stomach has been queasy since leaving my cousin's (stupid rolling hills between home and Oxford....now I remember why I typically drive myself. I hate motion sickness. Ugh!) so I'm going to go drink some water and try to sleep it off.
I hope you all had a very, Merry Christmas. :-)
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
When one door closes, another opens...
I wasn't going to blog tonight but I just got in from spending time with J, which typically throws me for a loop emotionally. However, he brought his new girlfriend home and I have to admit that as nervous as I was about meeting her, I adore her. I text Evan when I got in and told him I was pretty sure I had just met J's future wife. That's how perfect I think she is for him. It was obvious in the short amount of time I spent with them before she went to bed so we could catch up that he cares more for her in the few months they've been dating than he did for his girlfriend he had at OSU.
It felt good to "officially" close the door on my past with J tonight. Even though I thought that door was closed after the conversation we had in May, it was officially closed tonight. I was even able to joke with him about our past which is always a good sign. I am genuinely happy for him and feel nothing but content at where we stand as friends.
However, as all good friends in my life, he knows me better than I know myself and wasn't afraid to call me out on how I feel right now with another person in my life. It amazes me how even from D.C. he still knows me better than I know myself. It was a geunine relief to be able to share with him how I felt and to have his support. I think out of any of my friends, his opinion ranks right up there with Megan and Vince's. I'm anxious for Vince to be here this coming week to get his feedback too.
I told Evan tonight when I got in that I feel content about where things stand with J and I and that I no longer doubt that God has something amazing planned for me. I can sense it, even if I don't 100 percent know what that plan is yet. I'm going to continue to trust Him and seek His will over my own. I think it's part of why I've been so up and down emotionally lately. I've been letting my head and my heart run away from me and not praying about it or spending time in the Word the way I know I need to be. How can I let God be at the center of any future relationship if I'm not allowing Him to be there before it even begins? After all, He's the one writing my love story right?
I think it will be interesting to see where things go in the next couple of months but for tonight, I am thankful for J and our friendship and how he will always be one of the people who knows me better than I know myself. It's also nice to know that distance doesn't change anything and even though we're both busy with grad school and work, we still have time to be there and support each other and be the friends we've always been. Time and distance mean nothing when it comes to the people who are your best friends.
It felt good to "officially" close the door on my past with J tonight. Even though I thought that door was closed after the conversation we had in May, it was officially closed tonight. I was even able to joke with him about our past which is always a good sign. I am genuinely happy for him and feel nothing but content at where we stand as friends.
However, as all good friends in my life, he knows me better than I know myself and wasn't afraid to call me out on how I feel right now with another person in my life. It amazes me how even from D.C. he still knows me better than I know myself. It was a geunine relief to be able to share with him how I felt and to have his support. I think out of any of my friends, his opinion ranks right up there with Megan and Vince's. I'm anxious for Vince to be here this coming week to get his feedback too.
I told Evan tonight when I got in that I feel content about where things stand with J and I and that I no longer doubt that God has something amazing planned for me. I can sense it, even if I don't 100 percent know what that plan is yet. I'm going to continue to trust Him and seek His will over my own. I think it's part of why I've been so up and down emotionally lately. I've been letting my head and my heart run away from me and not praying about it or spending time in the Word the way I know I need to be. How can I let God be at the center of any future relationship if I'm not allowing Him to be there before it even begins? After all, He's the one writing my love story right?
I think it will be interesting to see where things go in the next couple of months but for tonight, I am thankful for J and our friendship and how he will always be one of the people who knows me better than I know myself. It's also nice to know that distance doesn't change anything and even though we're both busy with grad school and work, we still have time to be there and support each other and be the friends we've always been. Time and distance mean nothing when it comes to the people who are your best friends.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
17 years...
They say when you're young, death doesn't hit you as hard. I, however, don't agree with that fact. I think that death can impact you, regardless of how old you are. The pain may fade, but the memories never do.
17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.
I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.
I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.
I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.
So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.
I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e
Save A Place For Me
Matthew West
Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
(Chorus)
I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...
(Chorus)
17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.
I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.
I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.
I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.
So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.
I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e
Save A Place For Me
Matthew West
Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
(Chorus)
I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...
(Chorus)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I want to write but...
I want to update. I do. I even keep opening up my web browser and then...nothing. I have so much I want to say, and no actual motivation to do it. So much has been going on, both good and bad, but for whatever reason, I'm just soaking in what's happening and finding it hard to get the words out.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, especially as I soak in all the good moments. I miss writing but lately I just haven't felt up to it. Life is floating by lately and I just haven't felt up to recording it. My camera has even been hiding out in my purse lately. Typically when we go places it's glued to my hand but even that has been too much.
I go between being completely content where I am right now and feeling ungrateful for where God has me. It's been trial and error but I'm learning. I know that's something I'll struggle with my entire life. It helps that lately I've been able to share a lot of how I'm feeling with one of my guy friends. I even told him last week at dinner that it helps to know he's normal and that his family is far from perfect. I sometimes struggle with the idea that no one could possibly understand what goes through my head and my heart and then God brings along the perfect person at the perfect time to show me that I'm wrong.
I don't know. I have so much I know I need to update on, such as school and Haiti and my family and my thoughts on my future and how I'm growing in the Lord but today, I just don't have the energy for it. I can't help but wonder if this rain is playing into it. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen sun. At this rate, it's going to be a long winter. *sigh*
That's not necessarily a bad thing, especially as I soak in all the good moments. I miss writing but lately I just haven't felt up to it. Life is floating by lately and I just haven't felt up to recording it. My camera has even been hiding out in my purse lately. Typically when we go places it's glued to my hand but even that has been too much.
I go between being completely content where I am right now and feeling ungrateful for where God has me. It's been trial and error but I'm learning. I know that's something I'll struggle with my entire life. It helps that lately I've been able to share a lot of how I'm feeling with one of my guy friends. I even told him last week at dinner that it helps to know he's normal and that his family is far from perfect. I sometimes struggle with the idea that no one could possibly understand what goes through my head and my heart and then God brings along the perfect person at the perfect time to show me that I'm wrong.
I don't know. I have so much I know I need to update on, such as school and Haiti and my family and my thoughts on my future and how I'm growing in the Lord but today, I just don't have the energy for it. I can't help but wonder if this rain is playing into it. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen sun. At this rate, it's going to be a long winter. *sigh*
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I can't believe it's time for the holiday season already! Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because I get to spend it with my extended family and because the day after Thanksgiving, Cincinnati does it's big tree lighting ceremony on Fountain Square, which really kicks off the holidays here. :-)
This year I am especially grateful for a God who loves me, despite my flaws and imperfections. I am also grateful for an amazing family and friends and a church family who pushes me to grow. I am very blessed and it shouldn't take a holiday for me to remember that.
I'm kicking off the holiday in our traditional fashion of watching the Macy's Parade! I don't EVER move away from the tv until Santa comes through at the end, something my mom makes fun of me for. I told her that it doesn't matter how old I get, that I'll never be too old for Santa and the Macy's Parade. After the parade we're headed to my aunt's for dinner and this year my best friend is joining us because she has to work tomorrow so she couldn't head home for the holiday this year. It'll be a nice treat to have her with us. :-)
Alright, off to watch the parade! Happy Thanksgiving all!
This year I am especially grateful for a God who loves me, despite my flaws and imperfections. I am also grateful for an amazing family and friends and a church family who pushes me to grow. I am very blessed and it shouldn't take a holiday for me to remember that.
I'm kicking off the holiday in our traditional fashion of watching the Macy's Parade! I don't EVER move away from the tv until Santa comes through at the end, something my mom makes fun of me for. I told her that it doesn't matter how old I get, that I'll never be too old for Santa and the Macy's Parade. After the parade we're headed to my aunt's for dinner and this year my best friend is joining us because she has to work tomorrow so she couldn't head home for the holiday this year. It'll be a nice treat to have her with us. :-)
Alright, off to watch the parade! Happy Thanksgiving all!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Exciting happenings
To say it's been a rough week emotionally would be an understatement. I have been a mess this week. I finally reached a point on Friday where I realized that most of my issue was coming from the fact that I KNOW that God is about to do something big in my life and I can feel Satan poking at me and trying to break down my level of faith. It felt like I was taking one blow after another this week until I decided last night that I wasn't going to do it anymore, that I was going to focus on the good and the promises that God has given me and not let Satan win.
Well, that lasted all of about 14 hours until I woke up this morning and got into it with my mom. My mom and I are very close and it's few and far between that we get into an argument but it came to blows today (for reasons I don't want to talk about) and I left the house for church in tears. I got to church and my sister had seen my facebook status and called me and I ended up standing outside of church for about 10 minutes just in tears. I have never been so grateful for one of my guy friends as I was for Evan this morning. He was walking into church as I was outside on the phone and when he saw me crying, he immediately came over and put his arms around me and just held me as I cried.
After church I went to lunch with my group of guy friends who managed to distract me by making me laugh and just being ridiculous, which was just what I needed. Evan and I are going to hang out later tonight since I'm off from my internship tomorrow and he's going to let me vent, something I seriously need to do. He's been praying for me since Thursday when I text him in meltdown mode and he's been worried about me ever since.
I hate these moments. I hate the moments when I know God is about to do something big and Satan attacks. It's when I become most vulnerable and I want to give in and let my feelings and emotions take over and win, something I know I can't do. If Satan is already attacking this early into the decisions I've made, then I can just sense what's going to happen the closer to summer we get. Argh!
So...the exciting happenings, since clearly none of my emotional meltdown is exciting. haha As I've mentioned several times in the past, I was praying about going to Haiti. I went to an informational meeting last week after service and really felt like God was calling me to go, even though at that point I was still fighting it. I've been fighting this call since Seth first announced he wanted to take the youth to Haiti this summer and asked us adults to also pray about going. I kept telling God "No way! There is NO WAY I'm going overseas, to another country, out of my comfort zone. Besides, I'm so picky, what am I going to eat in Haiti for 10 days?!" Oh yes...this was the argument I had with God. I was more worried about food then going and doing God's work. :-P
Well, this week, I've spent a lot of time praying about it and researching vaccines, passports, etc. and finally made the decision that I was going to listen to God's call and go. The final decision honestly came down to the timing of the vaccines. For the hepatitis series, you have to have six months between the first and last shots, something I was unsure I could do because I won't be able to afford any of these until January. Well, guess what? It just so happens that if I go the first or second week of January and get the first round of the shots, I'll be good to go to have them all in before the end of July when we would leave for Haiti.
Then, I went to Crossroads last night (that's a long story in itself....I haven't been there in about six weeks and only went because I was hanging out with Adge and Dan) and they did a sermon on serving and having a servant's heart. They showed these videos of people who have been called to just give of themselves because they have so much already and I teared up. I could feel God telling me, "Heather, you already have so much. Why won't you put my people over your selfish insecurities?" Wow. Then, today, I was in service at my own church and we had missionaries from Paraguay visiting who spoke on the mission work they're doing and the woman said something that just stuck with me. She told us that even in the midst of our weakness and uncertainty, God uses us. She said that we shouldn't let our fears and weaknesses hold us back because God is going to use those for good.
Between those two messages and then the incredible worship at both churches filled with songs like "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath and "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin, I knew God was confirming that He wants me in Haiti for 10 days this summer. Yes, I am still terrified and yes I am still uncertain, but I know God is going to use those feelings for good and I'm trusting that He's leading me right where He wants me.
Then, on top of that, Megan and I are planning a girl's overnight in early February sometime. We have some concerns over where our girls' hearts are and so we're doing a night revolved around the idea of purity and our identity as girls in Christ. Megan's working on the main message and I'm creating a devotional that's going to be wrapped around music, an idea I came up with after driving to work on Friday morning and listening to the song "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz on repeat. I love to write and I could feel God calling me to use several songs and creating devotionals to go along with them that the girls could take home after our all nighter, that they could pray through and study from. I'm also going to give them cds with the songs on them so they can listen to them when they need reminders of God's promises.
God is doing so much good in my life right now and using me to reach out to others that I hate that I've been going through so much emotional turmoil this week. I know that this is because I'm letting myself become vulnerable and open to the idea of surrendering myself and doing God's work. He has me right where He wants me and Satan is trying to bring me down. I refuse to let it happen. I'm thankful for the friends that have been there, reminding me of God's promises and allowing me to cry and express myself and reminding me that I'm going to be okay.
Even in the midst of some of the pain this week, I feel joyful because I have finally allowed God to take over and take me where He wants me. I never would have expected that I'd be going to Haiti this summer or writing a devotional for teen girls but that's exactly what God has me doing. I'm so excited for once to actually branch out of my comfort zone and get out of my bubble. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is God's plan and not mine and to NOT run from it when things start to get tough. I'm ready. Bring on the next eight months!
Well, that lasted all of about 14 hours until I woke up this morning and got into it with my mom. My mom and I are very close and it's few and far between that we get into an argument but it came to blows today (for reasons I don't want to talk about) and I left the house for church in tears. I got to church and my sister had seen my facebook status and called me and I ended up standing outside of church for about 10 minutes just in tears. I have never been so grateful for one of my guy friends as I was for Evan this morning. He was walking into church as I was outside on the phone and when he saw me crying, he immediately came over and put his arms around me and just held me as I cried.
After church I went to lunch with my group of guy friends who managed to distract me by making me laugh and just being ridiculous, which was just what I needed. Evan and I are going to hang out later tonight since I'm off from my internship tomorrow and he's going to let me vent, something I seriously need to do. He's been praying for me since Thursday when I text him in meltdown mode and he's been worried about me ever since.
I hate these moments. I hate the moments when I know God is about to do something big and Satan attacks. It's when I become most vulnerable and I want to give in and let my feelings and emotions take over and win, something I know I can't do. If Satan is already attacking this early into the decisions I've made, then I can just sense what's going to happen the closer to summer we get. Argh!
So...the exciting happenings, since clearly none of my emotional meltdown is exciting. haha As I've mentioned several times in the past, I was praying about going to Haiti. I went to an informational meeting last week after service and really felt like God was calling me to go, even though at that point I was still fighting it. I've been fighting this call since Seth first announced he wanted to take the youth to Haiti this summer and asked us adults to also pray about going. I kept telling God "No way! There is NO WAY I'm going overseas, to another country, out of my comfort zone. Besides, I'm so picky, what am I going to eat in Haiti for 10 days?!" Oh yes...this was the argument I had with God. I was more worried about food then going and doing God's work. :-P
Well, this week, I've spent a lot of time praying about it and researching vaccines, passports, etc. and finally made the decision that I was going to listen to God's call and go. The final decision honestly came down to the timing of the vaccines. For the hepatitis series, you have to have six months between the first and last shots, something I was unsure I could do because I won't be able to afford any of these until January. Well, guess what? It just so happens that if I go the first or second week of January and get the first round of the shots, I'll be good to go to have them all in before the end of July when we would leave for Haiti.
Then, I went to Crossroads last night (that's a long story in itself....I haven't been there in about six weeks and only went because I was hanging out with Adge and Dan) and they did a sermon on serving and having a servant's heart. They showed these videos of people who have been called to just give of themselves because they have so much already and I teared up. I could feel God telling me, "Heather, you already have so much. Why won't you put my people over your selfish insecurities?" Wow. Then, today, I was in service at my own church and we had missionaries from Paraguay visiting who spoke on the mission work they're doing and the woman said something that just stuck with me. She told us that even in the midst of our weakness and uncertainty, God uses us. She said that we shouldn't let our fears and weaknesses hold us back because God is going to use those for good.
Between those two messages and then the incredible worship at both churches filled with songs like "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath and "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin, I knew God was confirming that He wants me in Haiti for 10 days this summer. Yes, I am still terrified and yes I am still uncertain, but I know God is going to use those feelings for good and I'm trusting that He's leading me right where He wants me.
Then, on top of that, Megan and I are planning a girl's overnight in early February sometime. We have some concerns over where our girls' hearts are and so we're doing a night revolved around the idea of purity and our identity as girls in Christ. Megan's working on the main message and I'm creating a devotional that's going to be wrapped around music, an idea I came up with after driving to work on Friday morning and listening to the song "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz on repeat. I love to write and I could feel God calling me to use several songs and creating devotionals to go along with them that the girls could take home after our all nighter, that they could pray through and study from. I'm also going to give them cds with the songs on them so they can listen to them when they need reminders of God's promises.
God is doing so much good in my life right now and using me to reach out to others that I hate that I've been going through so much emotional turmoil this week. I know that this is because I'm letting myself become vulnerable and open to the idea of surrendering myself and doing God's work. He has me right where He wants me and Satan is trying to bring me down. I refuse to let it happen. I'm thankful for the friends that have been there, reminding me of God's promises and allowing me to cry and express myself and reminding me that I'm going to be okay.
Even in the midst of some of the pain this week, I feel joyful because I have finally allowed God to take over and take me where He wants me. I never would have expected that I'd be going to Haiti this summer or writing a devotional for teen girls but that's exactly what God has me doing. I'm so excited for once to actually branch out of my comfort zone and get out of my bubble. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is God's plan and not mine and to NOT run from it when things start to get tough. I'm ready. Bring on the next eight months!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Happily content
If you had asked me a couple of months ago if I would be in this spot right now, content even though so much of my future is uncertain, I probably would have laughed at you. But that's exactly where I am. So much of the future is uncertain, especially with the job market being the way that it is, but I am trusting that God has a plan and knows exactly what He is doing.
I guess I should start with an update about my sister. She finally had her baby at exactly 11:00 p.m. on the dot on Friday night, October 21st. Daniel weighed in at five pounds, fifteen ounces, and twenty inches long. She ended up having to have a c-section after 26 very long and hard hours of labor. She stalled out at 4 cm dilated and about 80 percent effaced and just didn't go anywhere for hours. It took a shift change at seven on Friday night for the next OB on call to tell my sister that she was giving her two more hours to fully dilate and then she was doing a c-section, which is what ended up happening. It turns out Daniel's head was crooked which is why my sister stalled out at 4 cm. Daniel just couldn't drop any further with his head being crooked. That also explains the low blood flow to the umbillical cord.
Thankfully, both mommy and baby are doing well and got to go home on Monday. Now my sister is trying to adjust to being a mommy to four (three of her own and a stepdaughter) and trying to recover from her c-section. Daniel is doing well and is completely adorable. I'll share pictures soon or you can go over to my facebook to see them. If we're not friends on facebook, let me know and we can change that!
So what's going on with me since it's been awhile since I've done a real update? Well, I'm busy with school and work and interning. My internship in the school counseling office at the junior high is going SO well. My advisor is coming in this Wednesday to talk to my site supervisor and to observe me, something I'm both excited and nervous for. I think things are going well and I've been picking up more responsibility but I still feel like at times that I sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for Nicole to give me something to do. I know it's hard on her too, though, because we share an office and I don't have a computer or a phone so it makes it hard for her to give me stuff to do when mornings are usually spent for her returning emails and phone calls.
Overall, though, my internship is going well. I've been meeting one on one a lot lately with students and getting to interact with teachers and parents. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not doing conflict resolution and dealing with meltdowns from the students. Nicole and I laugh together a lot, something that I'm learning in this job is necessary because it gets some of our stress and frustration out. Plus, you can't just NOT laugh at some of the things the kids tell you or the principals. I leave the junior high on the days I'm there feeling so fulfilled and I know this is exactly what I'm meant to do.
My relationships, both friends and romantic interests, have been bumpy lately. Many of us are under stress and dealing with life changes and it's becoming hard to keep ourselves in orbit with each other. I had a meltdown on Seth (our youth leader) the other night and he gave me some very valuable advice. Now, how to act on it is another story. I think starting with lunch tomorrow is the right step. I'm praying that God will give me the right words to say and to allow my heart to be open and vulnerable.
My dating life has cooled significantly. And by significantly I mean it is non-existent right now, which I'm surprisingly okay with. I think with so much going on in my life right now that I think dating would be difficult because I just don't have the time to commit to it. I do miss him, but I think honestly I just miss our friendship, which also feels as if it has cooled down a lot lately. I know God has a plan though and I am trusting that it is greater than what I can see.
I have been spending a lot more time with my guy friends again, something I missed while I was in a relationship. They jokingly asked me one Sunday at lunch if I had joined the land of the living again. haha I know there are people who think when you're in a relationship that friendships of the opposite sex have to cool but after a lot of thought I don't agree with that at all. I tend to be friends with guys over girls and my guy friends bring so much joy and laughter to my life. For whatever reason, it's easier to be myself with them and to not have to worry what their intentions are. I don't know. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I decided that whoever I end up with in the future is going to have to be okay with these friendships because they're not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm trying to figure out my financial life, which is something big in my life lately. Denise, my running partner, bought me this book called The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke by Suze Orman for my birthday to read, along with The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey that I bought a couple of months back. I would love to try and pay off a lot of my credit card debt before I graduate in June but it seems like everytime I have some kind of stable hold to put more money towards my cards, something else comes up, like my work bouncing my paycheck...again. This time, it wasn't their fault, but it still has made me behind this month.
My goal is to get myself on a budget and to start following it. That means telling people no, not eating out as often as I have been this quarter, and no impulse spending! My major goal other than paying off my credit cards is to start tithing at church again. I haven't tithed in months, something that makes me sad. I feel like if I can learn to start being faithful and trusting when I give that money, then things will eventually balance out. But since I have such a hard time trusting, it makes it hard for me to want to tithe. How do all of you do it? I know some of you also follow a budget and sometimes pinch corners a lot. How do you make tithing your priority when you have living expenses you need to pay for?
The only other big news in my life is that I'm still praying about going to Haiti. We have an informational meeting tomorrow after service that I'm going to go to. I still can't decide if I'm feeling called or not, nor do I know if I can afford the vaccinations because my student health insurance doesn't cover them. I need to make a decision, and soon, because I'm going to have to start the vaccination process, the passport process, and writing support letters.
Oh...and I'm going to the Bahamas for spring break! Adge and I decided since it's my last spring break as a student and she's never been on a spring break that we're throwing caution to the wind and going on a cruise. I know this goes against my whole money plan but we're on a payment plan for the trip and it's actually not too expensive. We've put a deposit down and booked our flights so now we're working on paying off the trip. In fact, I may run out to AAA this week to make a payment towards it. I don't know why I didn't think about that before. I was just going to pay the rest of it in January but I should go in every two weeks when I get paid and make a payment. Hmm...
Anyway, I think that about does it. I need to go take a shower and do some homework. I slept until 1:30 today, something my body needed because I was still recovering from spending all last week at the hospital with my mom for her surgery and my sister for her labor and delivery. Now I need to play catch up on school work. :-P
Hope you all are doing well! I've missed all of you! I've been reading but not commenting so if you see me creeping, that's why. I plan to try and get back here more often. :-)
I guess I should start with an update about my sister. She finally had her baby at exactly 11:00 p.m. on the dot on Friday night, October 21st. Daniel weighed in at five pounds, fifteen ounces, and twenty inches long. She ended up having to have a c-section after 26 very long and hard hours of labor. She stalled out at 4 cm dilated and about 80 percent effaced and just didn't go anywhere for hours. It took a shift change at seven on Friday night for the next OB on call to tell my sister that she was giving her two more hours to fully dilate and then she was doing a c-section, which is what ended up happening. It turns out Daniel's head was crooked which is why my sister stalled out at 4 cm. Daniel just couldn't drop any further with his head being crooked. That also explains the low blood flow to the umbillical cord.
Thankfully, both mommy and baby are doing well and got to go home on Monday. Now my sister is trying to adjust to being a mommy to four (three of her own and a stepdaughter) and trying to recover from her c-section. Daniel is doing well and is completely adorable. I'll share pictures soon or you can go over to my facebook to see them. If we're not friends on facebook, let me know and we can change that!
So what's going on with me since it's been awhile since I've done a real update? Well, I'm busy with school and work and interning. My internship in the school counseling office at the junior high is going SO well. My advisor is coming in this Wednesday to talk to my site supervisor and to observe me, something I'm both excited and nervous for. I think things are going well and I've been picking up more responsibility but I still feel like at times that I sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for Nicole to give me something to do. I know it's hard on her too, though, because we share an office and I don't have a computer or a phone so it makes it hard for her to give me stuff to do when mornings are usually spent for her returning emails and phone calls.
Overall, though, my internship is going well. I've been meeting one on one a lot lately with students and getting to interact with teachers and parents. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not doing conflict resolution and dealing with meltdowns from the students. Nicole and I laugh together a lot, something that I'm learning in this job is necessary because it gets some of our stress and frustration out. Plus, you can't just NOT laugh at some of the things the kids tell you or the principals. I leave the junior high on the days I'm there feeling so fulfilled and I know this is exactly what I'm meant to do.
My relationships, both friends and romantic interests, have been bumpy lately. Many of us are under stress and dealing with life changes and it's becoming hard to keep ourselves in orbit with each other. I had a meltdown on Seth (our youth leader) the other night and he gave me some very valuable advice. Now, how to act on it is another story. I think starting with lunch tomorrow is the right step. I'm praying that God will give me the right words to say and to allow my heart to be open and vulnerable.
My dating life has cooled significantly. And by significantly I mean it is non-existent right now, which I'm surprisingly okay with. I think with so much going on in my life right now that I think dating would be difficult because I just don't have the time to commit to it. I do miss him, but I think honestly I just miss our friendship, which also feels as if it has cooled down a lot lately. I know God has a plan though and I am trusting that it is greater than what I can see.
I have been spending a lot more time with my guy friends again, something I missed while I was in a relationship. They jokingly asked me one Sunday at lunch if I had joined the land of the living again. haha I know there are people who think when you're in a relationship that friendships of the opposite sex have to cool but after a lot of thought I don't agree with that at all. I tend to be friends with guys over girls and my guy friends bring so much joy and laughter to my life. For whatever reason, it's easier to be myself with them and to not have to worry what their intentions are. I don't know. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I decided that whoever I end up with in the future is going to have to be okay with these friendships because they're not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm trying to figure out my financial life, which is something big in my life lately. Denise, my running partner, bought me this book called The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke by Suze Orman for my birthday to read, along with The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey that I bought a couple of months back. I would love to try and pay off a lot of my credit card debt before I graduate in June but it seems like everytime I have some kind of stable hold to put more money towards my cards, something else comes up, like my work bouncing my paycheck...again. This time, it wasn't their fault, but it still has made me behind this month.
My goal is to get myself on a budget and to start following it. That means telling people no, not eating out as often as I have been this quarter, and no impulse spending! My major goal other than paying off my credit cards is to start tithing at church again. I haven't tithed in months, something that makes me sad. I feel like if I can learn to start being faithful and trusting when I give that money, then things will eventually balance out. But since I have such a hard time trusting, it makes it hard for me to want to tithe. How do all of you do it? I know some of you also follow a budget and sometimes pinch corners a lot. How do you make tithing your priority when you have living expenses you need to pay for?
The only other big news in my life is that I'm still praying about going to Haiti. We have an informational meeting tomorrow after service that I'm going to go to. I still can't decide if I'm feeling called or not, nor do I know if I can afford the vaccinations because my student health insurance doesn't cover them. I need to make a decision, and soon, because I'm going to have to start the vaccination process, the passport process, and writing support letters.
Oh...and I'm going to the Bahamas for spring break! Adge and I decided since it's my last spring break as a student and she's never been on a spring break that we're throwing caution to the wind and going on a cruise. I know this goes against my whole money plan but we're on a payment plan for the trip and it's actually not too expensive. We've put a deposit down and booked our flights so now we're working on paying off the trip. In fact, I may run out to AAA this week to make a payment towards it. I don't know why I didn't think about that before. I was just going to pay the rest of it in January but I should go in every two weeks when I get paid and make a payment. Hmm...
Anyway, I think that about does it. I need to go take a shower and do some homework. I slept until 1:30 today, something my body needed because I was still recovering from spending all last week at the hospital with my mom for her surgery and my sister for her labor and delivery. Now I need to play catch up on school work. :-P
Hope you all are doing well! I've missed all of you! I've been reading but not commenting so if you see me creeping, that's why. I plan to try and get back here more often. :-)
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