I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think a lot of it is coming from being one of the only single people in my immediate circle of friends lately. I don't know how this has happened again but it has and it sucks. My weekends have been spent at home recently because on any given Friday and Saturday evening my friends are out on dates. Maybe that's why I've poured my life into my school work and running lately. It's the only thing I have keeping me going.
This isn't exactly where I pictured I'd be at 26. I thought by now I'd be married and getting ready to have kids. I thought I'd be out on my own instead of still living at home with my parents. The only thing that's going right is that I'm in school working on my Master's, taking steps towards being an advocate for our school children who don't have a voice for themselves. I'm living out my dream and proving to everyone who didn't believe in me growing up that I'm making something of myself.
I know that God has a plan and I know His timing is perfect, but right now, it's another season in my life that I'm struggling with. I'm struggling to understand why everyone my age is settling down in great careers, are in healthy and happy relationships, and are starting their families and God has asked me to remain single for this time. It just doesn't seem fair and maybe it's why I keep losing myself in these situations I know are unhealthy for me.
I hate that I keep letting myself fall into this season. 99% of the time I am perfectly content and don't let it bother me but every now and then I find myself struggling and wondering "why me?" I have so much else in my life that is fulfilling me that I don't know why I let this one area become the thing that I focus on. I'm running full speed ahead at my future, one that is bright as the sun and something I've always wanted to do. I'm in a place health wise where I'm taking care of my body and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. Running has given me this amazing confidence I never knew could exist in my life. I can look in the mirror and actually like (most of the time!) the person who is looking back at me. We all have those days where nothing we own fits right or when our hair just doesn't want to sit right. It's a part of life. But I can still walk into a room with my head held high, knowing that I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.
So why is it that I still feel myself longing for something God clearly doesn't have for me right now? It's not to say He never will. He may eventually bring along the right person for me, someone He has been molding to be my husband, but right now, He's asking me to be single and to be content with that. I need to learn what that contentment is all about. In the last 11 months, I don't feel like I've learned that at all. I don't know if taking another year off dating is the right response either, but I still feel as if I have a lot to learn about God's plan for my own personal life and where He is taking me. I can already feel Him convicting me in certain areas of my life and I need to stop taking those back from Him. He's trying to teach me lessons that are going to be crucial to my future so I need to step back and let Him reveal those lessons to me or else I'm never going to be able to see the bigger picture He has for my life.
The question is: how do you begin to achieve that contentment? What am I missing and how do I allow myself to be content in the Lord? You'd think after eight years of following the Lord that I would know the answer to that but I don't. Instead, I just keep floundering and allowing myself to get caught up in all these worldly emotions that make me human. All I want is to be Christ like and to let Him guide my life. How do I stop myself from taking the pen back out of His hand?
3 comments:
I think we all struggle to be content with where we are in our lives and with what we have (possessions, talents, looks, etc).
I think besides focusing on getting you where you need to be, that it is ok to want what others have. If it drives you to be better, to focus more on becoming who God wants you to be.
Look at the couples and see God working in them and think about how you're being shaped to have something great in your future.
I know you probably think it's easy for me to say since I have a husband and a baby. But, seriously, some days I am envious of people like you- working/in school, single, and free to do what you want without planning around everyone else's schedule. :)
Your feelings are very natural and normal. The Scriptures speak of marriage as honorable and highly regarded. Marriage is often depicted as an expression of God's personhood - the masculinity of the male and the sensitivity of the female. While many are single and happy, the gift of being content in singleness is just that, a gift. Perhaps, the exception. It's totally natural to not be content in your circumstance and yearn for your soulmate. Don't beat yourself up over your alleged "malcontent". You have every good reason to have the feelings you do.
The hardest part is waiting for God's promises to manifest. It's hard to know what's really going on "behind the scenes" as God works this all out but keep your faith in Him strong. The mental battle that you're going through will be incessant and a part of the process of maturing in your faith. Abraham and Sarah waited over 20 years to have their son but in the process tried to work it out in their own way. And we see what that got them. Fill your heart and mind with the goodness of God and trust in Him.
Take this time to study and immerse yourself in preparation to be a wonderful wife. I've watched too many marriages start off great only to decline rapidly after the romance (emotions) wares off over time. A fulfilling marriage is more about character, having a working definition of biblical love, and making choices because they are good and right and not based on feelings.
Also for what it's worth, imho, it's better to be single and wish you were married than married and wish you were single.
~ a random stranger
Thanks Val. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out what God is teaching me and I truly do look at the relationships around me, especially those with Christ at the center and try to learn from them. I like to jokingly (though part of me is so serious!) tell my friends that if I ever do get married, I'm going to have the healthiest relationship of all my friends because I'm going to have learned from all of their mistakes.
Mr.-I'm not sure who you are but thank you for sharing those reminders of God's truth with me. They resonated with my soul and they are words I'm taking to heart. If you have a blog, I would love to be able to follow you and read more, as you seem to have a good grounding in Christ and Scripture. :-)
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