A life lived in fear...

....is no life lived at all.

In the wake of the terrible tragedy in Newtown, CT yesterday, my heart hurts. I can't even begin to imagine the pain these families are feeling, especially so close to Christmas. When the news broke during my lunch break yesterday, I sat in the lobby of the preschool I work in with a couple of my coworkers, just stunned into silence. Going about the rest of my day was next to impossible, especially because we weren't allowed to discuss it so we wouldn't upset our kids. I couldn't even have the radio on in my classroom because they kept breaking in with news updates. It wasn't until late last night when I was watching the news that I finally let the tears fall and I cried for the victims and for how we, as a society, have failed the person responsible for such an attack.

How often do we shun those we consider "outsiders?" How often do we make fun of those who are different from us? How hard is it to walk across a room and say hello to someone else, someone who may be different from us? As an educator, my heart hurts for the fact that this was a former student who may have slipped through the cracks. Our nation shuns those who seek professional mental health care and we make it next to impossible to gain access to such care. How different our nation could be if only we made it easier for those to gain access to the help they need. How different our nation could be if we only loved each other the way God calls us to love.

In the light of all that's happened, I made my final decision about Teach for America. I am definitely applying and have decided that I am going to all in: I'm putting myself out there for re-location instead of playing it safe and asking to be placed here. There are SO many school districts around the country where students are slipping through the cracks and being forgotten about. I have ALWAYS wanted to be that educator who reminds students that they have a future, that they have potential, and that they have at least one person who cares for them.

As my entry title says, a life lived in fear is no life lived at all. I am young and there is NO reason for me to fear taking this next step. I knew that my current job at the preschool was temporary until I could finish school. Teach for America is an incredible opportunity and there is NO reason for me to fear taking the next step to further my career as I moved towards being a school counselor. I do not want to live my life in fear and with regrets.

Here's to taking the next step and stepping out on faith. I'll be praying like crazy for the next couple of months as I submit my application and wait to hear if I move on to the next round of phone interviews. Don't wait to go after something you want. We aren't promised tomorrow and there's no reason for us to live in fear and with regrets. Here's to living for today. :)

Where have I been?

I'm way overdue for an update. After I got home from Haiti, life returned to normal...or normal as I knew it. I went back to work, went back to church, and went back to spending my free time with my family and friends. Mentally and emotionally, my heart was still in Haiti. I never expected that my 10 days overseas would make such an impact on me but it did. There isn't a single day that goes by that my mind doesn't wander to Haiti, the people I met there, and the work we did. I can't wait to go back.

Every year, my church does Operation Christmas Child but I've never participated. This year, I found myself wandering Target for an hour hemming and hawing over what I wanted to put in my box. I ended up spending $60 putting this box together for a special little girl and I can't wait to find out where it's been shipped to. I paid for my box online so I could track it and I'm praying it ends up in Haiti, though I know it will bless some special little girl regardless of where it ends up.

So what has my life been like? This summer was the most incredible summer of my life. It started with graduating with my Master's degree (though I'm still currently employed at the same preschool I've been at for years, with a new potential opening up...more on that in a bit) and then heading to New York City for a whirlwind of a weekend with some of the greatest friends I could ask for. Even though I got sick while we were there, I loved every moment of it. Adrienne and I are tentatively planning to go back next year around Thanksgiving or Christmas for a girl's weekend if we can convince my parents to let us use our timeshare points to stay in the city, otherwise we won't be able to swing it alone.

After NYC was obviously my time spent in Haiti. I really wish I were going back this summer, though I know it just isn't feasible or logical. I do intend to go back at some point but this summer just isn't the right timing. For now, I know God is calling me to pray for the work being done in Haiti and I'm currently looking at other ways of giving to the organization we went with.

Now that my life is back to "normal," my time is spent working, tutoring, and mentoring a couple of my youth girls. Every night is filled with some kind of a commitment, but the best one of all has been finding time to workout again. Denise and I are back to our regular Monday and Wednesday night running sessions at the gym and the last few weeks have been so good for my sanity. I sleep SO much better after a good workout and by the time we wrap up, I'm so worn out that I go home, shower, and pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Work wise, I'm still at the preschool I've been at since I graduated from college. I applied for over 50 school counseling positions for this year and didn't get called for a single interview. It's discouraging to have a degree in such a tight field, especially when education is so difficult to get into in Ohio. They say there's going to be a big retirement boom in the next couple of years but we'll see how that one ends up. I've been applying for social work jobs, hoping to fall back on my undergraduate degree but even those aren't panning out.

I had several people recently suggest to me that I apply to Teach For America, so I spent today purusing their website trying to get information. One of the ladies from my church has a niece who works for TFA in South Carolina so she's passing on my contact information to her just so I can get some questions answered and fears eased before I apply. The more time I spend on their website, the more encouraged I feel about applying to the program. I mean, the worst that can happen is that I'm denied and I move on to other jobs right? They have over 46 regions, including one right here in southwest Ohio. My top choices right now are obviously here in my own backyard, Denver, and New York City.

I haven't fully decided I'm applying yet and have until mid-January to apply, with a later deadline in February. It would be an incredible opportunity, but one I would have to make a two year commitment to. That alone is the scary part. What if I got denied here in Cincinnati but accepted to another region? Would I be ready to relocate for two years without anyone? It's a scary thought but TFA is such an incredible program that I feel like I would be stupid to pass up at least applying.

My friend Michelle said it best on her facebook status last week "I'd rather make a mistake than fail to take a risk." If there's anything my time in Haiti taught me, it's to take a risk and step out on faith. Since coming home from Haiti, it's all I've thought about. I took a risk and stepped out on faith, full of fear, and knew that God was with me each step of the way. This is no different. If I don't take a risk and at least apply, I'll always ask myself what if. This isn't the first time my mind has wandered to TFA. It's crossed my mind here and there but I've never taken the time to sit down and research it unil today. It would be a huge risk, but there is no better time to do it than now. I'm not married, I'm not in a relationship, I don't have kids...there's nothing holding me back. I'll never know unless I try right?

Reflections on my time in Haiti

I didn't want to write this entry right after I got home because I wanted some time to reflect and bounce back from all of the travel. I was struggling the first couple days I was home from fatigue and being emotionally drained both from my time in Haiti, and because we had gotten stranded in Chicago on the way home, on a night I really just wanted to be surrounded by familiarity. Now that I've been home for almost two weeks, it's time to put my thoughts into writing and share my experience. I was waiting to blog about it because I wanted to talk about it out loud to my best friend and my friend Erin since she's been to Haiti before but I've got so much swirling through my head that I just need to get it out.

God taught me so much about myself that I didn't realize I existed. Three days in, I should have been falling over from inadequate nutrition and instead, three days in, I was bouncing off the walls with energy and enjoying every moment of what was being thrown my way. I don't know if I've ever shared it, but I have some serious food issues. I have a HUGE problem with textures, which keeps me from eating a lot of things. Take for example fruits and veggies. I can only "eat" fruits and veggies if they're blended into a smoothie. I've been working to overcome this and last summer, one of my coworkers encouraged me to try both grapes and strawberries. Right after biting into them, I was getting sick in a garbage can. I don't understand this struggle with textures, because I used to eat absolutely everything and now there are many things I just won't eat. While I was in Haiti, I lived off of the peanut butter, ritz crackers, goldfish, and crystal light I had packed. I ate breakfast because it was normal things like bagels, pancakes, and cereal, but that was the only meal I ate during the day. The rest of the day I lived off of what I had packed.

Towards the end of the week, we went out to an orphanage three hours from the mission in St. Louis du Nord we had been staying at. While at La Baie, we were invited to some local huts to have lunch with the Haitians who lived there. We had been told that with their culture, you were to accept any food they put in front of you and you had to try at least one bite, because that meal was probably a good month's worth of wages. I worked myself into a tizzy and ended up being physically sick at the idea of having to eat food I didn't like. It also didn't help that I was feeling sick to begin with from all of the meds I was on either. Regardless, I ended up staying behind at the orphanage while my team went out into the village and had lunch with the locals. As I laid on my mattress waiting for them to come back, I broke and started crying. All I could picture was Seth being disappointed in me and I was kicking myself for having these issues. On Friday night when we came back, we were sitting around talking and I broke down with my team and shared this struggle with them. We actually had a really good discussion about it and it was so encouraging how they built me up and reminded me that God can bring me over anything in my life, even this. I was also encouraged by Brice, who likes to tease me about my eating habits on Sundays when we go out for lunch after church, because he apologized for any time he had ever hurt my feelings. He actually never has, but it was a very sweet thing for him to say and it was encouraging for me to know that my team understood and supported me, regardless of what I was struggling with.

During our time in Haiti, we spent a lot of time interacting with the locals, especially the kids. We couldn't walk out the gates of the mission without immediately being swarmed by kids who wanted to hold our hands, and walk with us, and just talk to us. Some of my teammates felt that they were bombarded by kids who only wanted money, but I never actually had that problem. Seeing all of these kids who didn't have anything and simply wanted to be loved on broke my heart. On the very first night that we walked into St. Louis du Nord, I was walking with our intern and asking him questions and my heart broke to the extent that I had silent tears streaming down my face. Everywhere around me was garbage in the street, kids running around without clothes, and families that didn't know where their next meal was coming from. It completely overwhelmed me and broke me and when we got back to the mission, I walked right to my room, sat down on my mattress, pulled out my journal, and proceeded to cry my eyes out as my heart broke over and over again for everything I had seen. As I did this, Shannon (one of my teammates) came in, hugged me, and then walked out. She knew I didn't have words to express what I was feeling and that I didn't want to talk about it. That hug was all I needed. It was enough for me to understand that someone else knew what I was feeling and understood that sometimes, you just don't have the words to express what you're feeling and you just want to know you're loved regardless of that fact.

The rest of the week after that, I prayed for open eyes, a broken heart, ears to hear, and hands that were ready to work and God answered those prayers. I was able to serve in a capacity that I never thought I would serve in as we headed out to the jail and the brothels and met with the men who were waiting to be moved to a bigger jail in a bigger city and the women who worked in the brothels. At the end of our week in Haiti, we had a grocery drive where our team combined with a team from Kentucky and we made tickets and gave them to the women at the brothel and invited them to campus for some individual prayer time and gave them a bag of groceries to take home with them. I didn't expect that day to be my favorite day in Haiti but it was. I had no plans to actually pray out loud because it's something I struggle with and at the encouragement of Shannon, I actually did pray over a couple of the ladies and it moved me to the brink of tears. I looked at Shannon afterward and I remember my exact words to her were, "What just happened here?? Those words did NOT come from me!" and then I started laughing at how faithful God had been to give me the words and courage I needed to love on these women who are simply trying to find a way to provide for their families.

While I was in Haiti, my mind was on my youth kids often and I missed them more than I thought I would. Seth has been pushing on us for awhile to step up and start spending some one on one time with the kids and to mentor them. I pushed right back for awhile, saying I was busy with school and didn't have time to commit, blah blah blah. Really what I was doing was making excuses because I have never seen myself as a leader or someone who was strong enough spiritually to be leading anyone, even the youth kids. It's one thing to be there on Sunday evenings and chaperone, it's a completely different thing to spend time with them one on one and disciple them and help them to build their faith. Well, God had different ideas and kept putting three very specific youth girls on my heart that I have been praying about for months. While I was in Haiti, the call to pray for them was even stronger and by the end of the week, I told Seth I was ready to step up and to start discipling these three youth girls. In the last two weeks, I have sought out two of the three girls and talked to them about making a commitment and to my surprise, they were ecstatic at the idea of meeting with me. I feel confident that I am ready for this and God has given me so much peace about pouring into these girls and starting to build them up spiritually. I can't wait to see where this school year takes us.

The biggest thing I think I learned in Haiti was the idea of grace and forgiveness. In fact, I'm actually teaching a lesson on it to my Sunday school class next week since our normal leaders are on vacation. I struggle with the idea of showing others grace, especially when they've hurt me. This is something God has been trying to break me of. I even spent one night during worship and prayer time crying because my heart hurt so much over the bitterness, the anger, and the hurt I was carrying inside of me. I ended up praying with a leader from Kentucky and couldn't even put into words what I was feeling but God knew and He gave her the exact words my heart needed. As she prayed over me, I could feel the burden being lifted from my shoulders and I knew I was being given a second chance to make things right. It's going to take a lot of baby steps, but I know exactly what I need to do and how I need to go about doing this. The peace I feel about this is incredible. Every day, God shows me new ways to show grace in my life and reminds me of the grace He's given me.

While I'm still praying over  many of the things I learned in Haiti, I feel peace and contentment, more so than I have in the last couple of years. I never expected my time in Haiti to impact my life so much but I feel eternally grateful for the lessons I was taught and for the experiences that I had. Once I had time to recover from the travel (let me tell you...the bus and tap tap rides alone were enough to break me and I swore up and down I would never go back to Haiti! haha) and started praying over what I had been taught, my heart continues to break for the things I saw and the things I experienced while in Haiti. I told everyone in our group I didn't think that going back would be something I wanted to do, but now that I've been home for two weeks and I've had time to recover and reflect, my heart longs to go back. We're not planning another trip back for a couple of years but I know there are other ways I can continue to support the work of the mission there and I'm looking forward to any doors that God opens in regards to Haiti.

All in all, while it was the hardest week of my life, I came home a completely different person. I feel stronger physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am grateful for my time in Haiti, the connections and friendships I made there (I came home with an incredible connection to some wonderful ladies from Kentucky we roomed and worked with all week), and all of the lessons God taught me about myself. I look forward to the next chapter of my life and the doors that God is both opening and closing here at home. I have never felt so peaceful and for that, I am the most grateful.

Back in the States

After a six hour bus ride, three flights, an unexpected overnight stay in Chicago (technically we should have been home at midnight last night), and 36 hours of traveling on about five hours of sleep, we are finally safe and sound at home. I showered and then slept all day, but I'm still exhausted so as soon as the women's gymnastics is over, I'm headed to bed.

This trip to Haiti completely changed my perspective on life and I can't wait to write all about it. I journaled every day while we were there and plan to share some of what we experienced. For now though, I need sleep.

Haiti bound!

Leaving for Haiti in three hours! Holy cow...I don't think I ever thought this day would come. I am absolutely terrified, but ready to see all the good God is going to do on this trip. We'll be back in the States on the 30th (late...we get in at like midnight) and hopefully I'll update as soon as I can.
Please pray for safety, travels, and love as our team goes out to share the love of Jesus. I can't wait to see what God does on this trip!

A forever type of love

A couple of months ago, my dear friend Megan and I were using our facebook to message each other back and forth on what was going on in our lives. At the time, it had been awhile since I'd given her a proper update and I distinctly remember in the message she had sent me that she wanted to especially know how the Lord was moving in my life. Well, I didn't tell her. In fact, I glossed over the question like I hadn't seen it and talked about the shallow day to day things happening in my life. I was too afraid to admit to her (though I think it came out later, and if it didn't, it is now) that I hadn't opened my Bible in months, nor had I been having quiet times. I was too caught up in what I like to call "Heather world" to spend the necessary amount of time with the Lord that He deserved.

That brings us to the here and now. For the last six months, to be truthfully, painfully honest, my regular quiet times haven't existed. I go through the motions in church and genuinely look forward to Sunday mornings with my small group and worshiping with my church family, but outside of that, I haven't put forth any effort and lately, it's been showing. It wasn't until my small group leader took me out for dinner to celebrate my graduation that I was ready to admit both to her and to myself, that I was struggling. I had been so overwhelmed with school and work and interning and volunteering with the youth that I was drained in every aspect of my life. I knew I needed a fresh start and I just wasn't sure where to begin.

That all changed tonight. Anyone who knows me knows that I love Karen Kingsbury's books and I have been obsessed with the Bailey Flanigan series ever since she started writing it. I was anxiously awaiting getting the last book at the library and this week my hold finally came through. I read, from start to finish, in less than 24 hours. I couldn't put it down. I love to read, especially Christian fiction, because I can always relate to something in the book. This is one series where I knew what Bailey was feeling, as she anxiously was trying to follow the Lord's plan for her life, including her love story. Reading this final book in the series, I think at first I was genuinely shocked by who she ended up with, but then, as I truly took in the words Karen poured out into these pages and these characters, I realized that Bailey ended up exactly where God wanted her...in His perfect timing and His perfect plan.

I put the book down tonight and sat on the couch in stunned disbelief as the Lord just spoke to me. He had been speaking to me the whole way home, about how I deserve a forever kind of love, a love where a man will pursue me and not the other way. A man who will lift me and encourage me and lead me, just as Christ intended. I don't deserve to settle and I think in some ways, after some conversations with a friend a couple of weeks ago, I was about to let myself settle for second best, for something that I knew deep down I didn't truly feel, something God had told me back in college wasn't His plan for my life.

Then, just as I was specifically praying about this particular scenario and praying about God's perfect timing and His plan for my life, my phone rang. I just got off the phone from an amazing two hour phone call that just gave me so much more to think and pray about. I love having friends in my life that encourage me and push me to seek out what I think and believe and that push me to grow in my faith. I love friends that bring so much laughter and joy to my life. I have loved every minute of God writing this story and this friendship and as I pray about it, I can't wait to see where He takes it next.

So what is all this babbling about? It's about my love for the Lord and His love for me. It's about the fact that I deserve a forever kind of love, not a love that I'm settling for. It's about trusting that God's holy and perfect plan is just that...perfect. I'm tired of this whole two steps forward, five steps back game I've been playing with my faith. I want it to be real and genuine. I want to seek the Lord so whole-heartedly that any man who even begins to think about pursuing me has to at first pursue Him in order to find my heart.

Tonight I learned the beginning of the meaning of trust. I'm going to learn even more what that term means in four weeks when I head to Haiti and truly let the Lord speak through me and guide my actions for the 10 days I'll be overseas. I'm going to learn it even more as I continue to trust in His plan for next year and my career and my future. He has been so faithful to me in the almost 10 years since I gave my life to Him (so crazy that it's been almost 10 years!) so why can't I be faithful to Him and trust Him? He has never led me astray and He never will. I want to live my faith out loud. I want to be genuine. I want to love Him with my whole heart and serve Him all the days of my life. There is NO greater joy in my life than that of my faith and the love my Lord has for me. What a sweet, sweet reminder this week.

Here's to a fresh start and truly letting the Lord take my life and make it His. I can't wait to see what my beautiful future holds.

Oh hi...I'm alive

Oh hey there blog I've seemed to have forgotten about. Spring quarter kind of got away from me with all of the craziness of projects, papers, portfolios, the praxis, and then graduation. That's right...this girl has her Master's! Now...I just need a job. All in due time.

I do plan to come back with a real, much longer, update. I leave for NYC on Thursday so I'll probably just update when I get back. :-)

Just wanted to let everyone know I was alive still!

I miss...

Before I begin this entry and write about how much I miss running, can I just complain for a minute that Blogger changed things up and I couldn't use it without installing google chrome on my computer? Yeah, that's exactly what I had to do. Okay...end rant. 

So...I miss running. A lot. I never, ever thought the day would come where I would say that I missed it but I do. Megan's fiance is running the full marathon at the Pig next Sunday and several of my other friends are training for various other Pig events and it just makes me wish I were training too. I know it's okay that I'm not because there's NO way I could have added training for a half marathon into this already busy year, but man, I haven't even had time to workout! It definitely shows that I haven't worked out either because I've gone back up in pants sizes, which frustrates me like crazy.

I did have a doctor's appointment last week to discuss Haiti and the doctor (or rather nurse practitioner-NP) I saw specializes in women's health. She actually took the time to read through my file and when she realized that I'm not on my meds for my PCOS and that I haven't had a cycle in awhile, she instantly ordered some labs for me to have done and we're going to get me started back on my medication. I left the doctor's office stunned that she had taken the time to actually read my medical history (no other doctor in the three years I've been at the UC practice has done that) and wanted to get me back on track. As much as I hate the idea of being on meds, I know that this is what I need. I know it will make me feel better and my body will benefit from it. 

I decided today that starting tomorrow, I am officially in training for the 2013 half marathon at the Flying Pig. This time, I'm going to do it right. No skipping long runs, taking care of my body, cutting out the toxins from my body (aka cutting out the caffeine and sugar once graduation hits!), and making sure I get the proper amount of rest before trying those long runs. I want to actually be able to run this one, and not just walk it. I'm going to start slow for now because I do need to get through the next six weeks until graduation but then after that, it's game on! 

I'm so completely serious about this that I've been sitting here playing on pinterest and finding pictures and quotes to design a motivation collage to hang in my bathroom. I also found a couch to 5k program to get me back on track and that is also going in my bathroom. Why the bathroom? Because I hang all of this motivational stuff on my mirror and the back of the door, the one place I know I will see it on numerous occasions. It will be the first thing I see in the mornings, and the last thing I see at night. I did this last time I trained too. I took dry erase markers and wrote all of my race results on my mirror so I could see them and then kept track of the pounds I was losing on the dry erase board I keep on my bathroom door. I'm also working on a new running mix because let's be honest: mine is done for after last year. I need new stuff to pump me up so feel free to throw suggestions my way. 

Alright, that's all I've got for now. Life is pretty much the same old, same old. Five weeks from Friday is graduation and six weeks from Thursday is New York City! 

Lunchtime vulnerability

I just left work (I was off today) after dropping off food I had made for the baby shower we were having for my boss. She's expecting her third baby boy and she's been on bed rest as a precaution so we were throwing her a shower before she gets much further into her pregnancy and is put on bed rest for good til the baby gets here. For the first time in three and a half years of working at the preschool, I finally feel like a member of the staff. I don't know why I didn't before. I guess right now the dynamics of our staff are good and we all genuinely enjoy each other. I don't know.

Now I'm sitting at McDonald's because my car is next door at Tire Discounters getting the tires rotated. I just had the power steering pump replaced last night and since I get free tire rotation since I bought my tires at TD, I figured it may be a good time to get them rotated, especially because they've been kind of shaky on the highway for the last two weeks.

Time for a vulnerable moment. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like facebook lately has become a reflection of everything I want, but can't have at the moment. I spent time with one of my close girlfriends last weekend and I told her I sometimes feel like I'm sitting by and waiting for my life to start. This conversation was had while standing in the home department at Macy's as we talked about what it would be like to be registering for a wedding and planning our futures. I told her I feel like I'm sitting by and waiting for some guy to come by and complete my life. Why?? Why do I do that to myself?

Lately, I feel like my facebook is full of weddings, babies, and the future. Two of my best friends are married (one with a child), a third is planning her wedding, and the other is living on her own, in a good job, while going to school full time. Where am I? I'm 27, I still live at home with mommy and daddy, and even though an opportunity has popped up for me to move out, I can't afford it. I work three days a week and I'm barely making the bills as it is. I can't afford to move out right now. So why do I still feel so empty inside?

I know I write this entry every six months or so, but man, when this feeling hits, it hits hard. Thinking back on high school, at 16, 17, or even 18 years old, I always had myself married off by 25, with a kid on the way, and working in my dream job. Clearly God has other plans because none of that is happening in my life right now. I know He has great plans and I know He has me right where He wants me, so why can't I let go of this awful empty feeling?

Don't get me wrong. I know I have exciting things going on in my life, things I'm looking forward to, but for some reason, I just can't shake this ridiculous feeling. I keep thinking back to the fall and what things would be like if Dan and I had made it. I keep wondering "what if" about my career path and what would have happened if I had gone through with the second round of interviews after college at the domestic violence shelter and not stayed in my safe zone at Lighthouse. Where would I be if even one little decision had been made differently?

My dear friend Erin told me I can't think like that, that I am where I am for a reason. I can't live my life with regrets, always wondering "what if," and asking God when the next best thing is going to happen. God's plan always turns out to be far greater than my own, so why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like everyone else's lives are moving and mine is stuck?

My words for 2012 are strength and growth. I need to get back to the basics of what those mean for me and start focusing on them. I know that by putting God first, everything else will fall into place and these feelings will fade. But man, all I want to do right now is sulk. Is that so wrong?

Lessons learned as a graduate student

1. Sleep doesn't exist. Four hours a night is a good night.

2. Any social life you once had is basically non-existent, especially in the second or third year of your program before graduation.

3. Textbooks and parking will take a good chunk out of your bank account.

4. Just when you think you're getting ahead financially, something will spring up and take your money from you.

5. Pleasure reading? What's that? The only thing you've read in months is textbooks.

6. Sacrifices, many of them (working out, free time, sleep, etc), will be made and all for the good of having a Master's degree.

7. It is impossible to balance work, school, family, and friends without losing your sanity.

8. Your idea of a good Friday night is sweatpants, a movie, and bed before 11.

9. People weren't kidding when they said you would cry a lot in grad school. It's like the tears never end.

10. Your once calm, cool, and collected personality will disappear, your anxiety levels will rise, and you will snap. Trust me on this one.

11. The job hunt is tedious and discouraging but if you hold out long enough, someone will hire you. Right?

12. You will crack up forever at something that really probably isn't all that funny but in your slap happy mode, you find it hysterical.

13. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are NOT superwoman and believe it or not, that's what your friends and family are for.

14. Speaking of them, they will still love you, even when school keeps you too busy to spend as much time with them.

 15. In the end, through the tears, frustration, late nights, and roller coaster emotions, looking back, you will be glad you made this journey. It makes you stronger and teaches you what you are truly passionate about. If you can tackle this, you can tackle anything.

And that's all I've got for an update. Life is so crazy right now and I'm too tired to write about everything going on. Maybe this weekend when I baby-sit. Maybe. Or maybe I'll sleep when the kids sleep. Hmm....

I passed!!!

This has been an amazing two days! I got all of my financial support in for Haiti yesterday and then today I got the results back from the comprehensive exam I had to take to graduate from the counseling program and I PASSED!!!! This girl will officially have a Master's degree in June!!!!!

That's all I've got for right now. Vince is on his way in from Athens and I have some stuff I need to get done before he gets here but I just had to come and share that I passed!!!!! Let the celebration begin!!!!!

And we have a winner!

We have a winner! We are officially forgoing our spring break trip to Nashville and taking the money we were going to put towards that trip for a trip to New York City instead! For someone who is SUCH a city girl at heart and who LOVES big cities, I am so freaking excited about this vacation!!

Right now, the plan is a four day weekend in the City but I think I'm going to try and convince them into a couple of extra days. Something tells me four days just won't be enough time. Plus, I REALLY want to go to a Yankees game, since we all know I LOVE the Yankees. Plus, my beloved Reds are also playing the Mets the weekend we're looking at so if I can cross both the Yankees stadium and the Mets stadium off of my list in one trip I'm doing good. :-)

AHHH!!!! I can't wait! Laura and Miranda, you realize the three of us are totally going to have to go out for dinner and drinks one night right?!

So now friends who have been to New York City, throw out fun suggestions of things we absolutely HAVE to do while we're there!

Itching to get away

First off, I am FULLY FUNDED for Haiti this summer!!! Woo! God is soooo good! I am actually beyond funded, which is incredible. It has been so encouraging to watch this all happen and come together. Now I just need to finish up my vacccinations and get my passport and I'll be good to go!

With that being said, Denver this summer is NOT happening for reasons I would rather not discuss. Since that isn't happening, I'm looking at getting away either for a long weekend over Memorial Day weekend or sometime this summer. My friend Andrea and I were discussing Disney but I'm thinking going elsewhere. I don't know yet. I have a plane ticket to use since I'm not using it for spring break (we're driving to Nashville for a couple days instead of going on our cruise) so I want to use it to escape for a few days.

This is what I'm thinking. Feel free to chime in with thoughts/suggestions/comments, whatever.

1. Charlotte/Raleigh
I have friends both just outside of Charlotte and just outside of Raleigh. I could rent a car for a weekend and see both of them. (And yes of course this was inspired by my lovely blooper Megan!) A couple of my guy friends love roller coasters and Carowinds is located in Charlotte so they're thinking of going with me too.

2. Washington D.C.
One of my really good guy friends is working on his Mater's at the University of Maryland, College Park which is located just outside of D.C. I was thinking of visiting him and his girlfriend but doing some touristy stuff on my own to have some me time.

3. New York City
I am dying to visit New York City! I would love to see a play on Broadway, visit Times Square and Central Park and all the other millions of places I've only ever read about it. If I go to NYC, I wouldn't even have to rent a car. Actually, I wouldn't have to in D.C. either!

4. Seattle
I have always wanted to go to Seattle. There's just something about it that draws me in. I've read about it and obviously one of my favorite movies is Sleepless in Seattle and it's just somewhere I've always wanted to visit.

5. Chicago
People rave about Chicago and I've always wanted to go. I don't know a lot about it but it would be cool to visit and see why everyone loves it so much. Plus, if either of the MLB teams are home I could see a baseball game or two!

Obviously most of the cost of my plane ticket will be taken care of but then I have to factor in hotels/transportation. Anyone have any suggestions for long weekend getaways? I don't know how much time I can afford to take off. I was thinking maybe four or five days at the most. I'm looking for suggestions of places, costs, hotels, public transportation, that kind of thing.

So friends...give me your thoughts! I officially have wanderlust and want to run away, even if just for a couple of days. :-)

And my heart just broke a little more...

My stepdad just left to take my beloved puppy to the vet to have her put down. I know it's time but my heart hurts so much. She's been my best friend, my protector, and my heart and soul for the past 14 or 15 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without having her under my feet to trip over anymore, to lay with when I'm sad, and to snuggle up with when I sleep.

Rest in peace Missy. You were my best friend and I will forever miss you.

Falling apart

I'm falling apart tonight. I had an incredible morning at church, getting the chance to speak in all three services about going to Haiti this summer. The church took up a special offering for us and I'm now only $100 short of the technical cost of the trip.

Then I got home and everything fell apart. Typically we only check the mail once a week and my mom had laid my mail on the coffee table for me. As I was going through it, there was an envelope with my name on it and no return address. As soon as I saw the handwriting my blood ran cold. I looked at the postmark and it had come from Florida. It was from my dad, the man I've had NO contact with since my junior year of college in 2007.

Why now? Why now of all times did he decide to contact me? Once again, the letter was the same old stuff he always writes. He always starts it saying he's not going to talk about himself and wants to know how I am and then he goes on and on about his supposed recovery from his addictions and how he's struggling to find forgiveness within himself, blah blah blah. NOT ONCE does he apologize for the hell he put me through growing up. NOT ONCE has he EVER admitted the abuse we went through. NOT ONCE does he apologize for choosing drugs and alcohol over his family.

I knew what to expect and I stupidly opened that envelope anyway. I think there's always a part of me that will hold out hope that he's changed when in reality I know he never will. He had his chance. I don't need him. I have a father now who loves me unconditionally, who has been there for me more in the 11 years I've lived in Cincinnati than my real dad ever was. So why do I keep hoping he'll change? Why do I keep letting him hurt me, after all these years?

I laid on my bed and just cried for about an hour this afternoon. I hate that I let him hurt me. I hate that after one of the greatest mornings ever, he ruined it. I thought I was stronger than this. Why does he still have this hold over me?

All I've done today is mope after writing my school law paper. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and even though it's only 8:30, I'm ready to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just block the world out, even if just for one night.

I hate that he still makes me feel this way. And I hate that there's still a part of me that hopes he'll change and become the dad I've always wanted. I just want to keep the past in the past and every few years, he pops back in and makes me remember everything I've tried to forget.

I didn't need these memories tonight. Not on a night I should be rejoicing about all the good God is doing. Instead, I'm laying on the couch, under my favorite blanket, with memories of the past swirling through my brain. I even skipped my usual Sunday night with my youth kids because I just couldn't put on a happy face tonight.

Damn him. Damn him for the control he still has over me. I hate that I'm not strong enough to just let this roll off my back. I just want to forget and move on. Why does he keep coming back? Why can't he just leave me be?

My heart hurts. And I'm about to cry. It's time for me to go to bed.

Now that it's February...

I suppose now that it's February it's time for an update. I'm probably just going to do bullets because I'm tired and don't really feel up to writing a huge entry.

School:
School is going well. I'm officially registered for my final quarter and graduation is quickly approaching. I take my comprehensive exam to graduate from the counseling program for the second time next Saturday. Am I nervous? Absolutely. I need to pass or I have to petition to the department to write a thesis and I really don't want to have to do that. I did get the all clear to graduate as long as I pass the exam which is an amazing feeling. I can't believe in just a few short months I'll hold my Master's degree in my hands!

Internship:
Words can't even begin to describe how much I love, love, love my internship! I am now pretty much doing my own thing on the days that I'm there. I see a couple of kids regularly and I'm getting ready to start running a study skills group that will run for 7-10 weeks, depending on how much I can come up with curriculum wise. This is going to by my baby and I'm excited to take on such a big challenge.

I also hit a milestone last week and spoke in front of 300 eighth graders. I HATE public speaking with a passion so when Nicole told me she was going to make me present the guidance counselor part of the team meetings we have every quarter, I just looked at her like she was crazy. However, I did it and I did it like a champ! I barely looked at my notes and had the full attention of the kids I was speaking to. When I was finished, I got huge compliments from Nicole, the teachers, and even the principal, who NEVER gives compliments. That was huge for me. The confidence I had afterwards was an incredible feeling. It made getting up and presenting in front of 15 of my peers in class no big deal this week. It also affirmed how much I love the middle school age and how much I want to work with middle schoolers.

Work:
Work is...work. I do have to admit that as much as I'm over working in a preschool, I love that I'm not in a set classroom everyday anymore. Since I only work three days a week because of my internship, I float from room to room depending on where I'm needed. It's given me the chance to get to know all the kids and parents in the building and the constant change means that my patience level has gone up. I'm usually exhausted at the end of the day, but I love that each day is different.

On a career level though, I have officially started the job search for next year! With graduation quickly approaching, schools are beginning their hiring process. I've already applied for a couple of jobs in Denver and one school counseling job here in Cincinnati. I'm scanning job sites and school districts almost daily, hoping to jump on the application as soon as it's posted.

I was certain I'd end up in Denver next year but for many reasons I don't think it's going to happen. I'm still looking and applying but right now, I just feel like Denver isn't meant to happen. I was going to stay with the boys until I could get a place of my own and get on my feet but all of a sudden Mike is acting funny and has become MIA when I try to reach him. Plus, with the plans to go to Haiti, it would make it hard to relocate to Denver this summer. I don't know. Right now, I just believe that for whatever reason, I'm meant to stay in Ohio. If Denver is meant to happen, it will. If not, I'm content with staying here. God has a plan for me, regardless of where I end up at. I firmly believe that. :-)

Church:
I love where I am right now. I'm finally in a small group and I feel like I'm flourishing. My faith is definitely growing, which I love. Last year, my word for the year was believe. I was encouraged to believe that God is who He says He is and that He has big plans for my life. This year, the words I'm praying over are strength and growth. I want my faith to be strengthened and I want to grow. I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone and I want my faith to keep going up instead of getting stuck in some of the valleys I ended up in last year.

The biggest thing that is going to teach me to grow and that will strengthen my faith is going to Haiti. For months as Seth talked about this trip, I kept saying there was no way I was going overseas and no way I was going on a mission trip. I've never felt called to missions before. Well, I'm quickly learning that God has a sense of humor and when you tell Him what you're NOT going to do, He'll quickly tell you what you ARE going to do. :-P

So...I've been praying about Haiti and I'm officially registered for the 10 day trip in July. I started the vaccination process and the next step will be getting started on my passport. I can't believe I'm doing this but God has proven Himself faithful and the support has been rolling in. I'm about $800 short of the amount I have to technically raise, though I added an extra $600 to cover the expense of the vaccinations and passport that I'm paying for out of pocket. I still have about two full weeks before the deadline I put in my support letters and if I haven't raised the money by then, I'll be sending out another round or making some phone calls to do some follow up. I'm trusting God though, and I fully believe the support is going to come through. Once I started praying about this and trusting His plan, the support started rolling in. If God wants me in Haiti in July, He'll make it happen. I believe that. :-)

Believe it or not, I'm no longer afraid of this trip. Okay...well, I am, but only because I'm a picky eater. I fully plan to pack a suitcase with things like crackers and peanut butter to get me through the two weeks I'll be overseas so at least I know I won't go hungry. But, I'm not afraid of what this trip is going to bring. I do think it's going to break me and I have a feeling lots of tears will be shed, but I do think I'm going to grow like crazy by allowing God to take me out of comfortable little Ohio bubble for ten days. I'm nervous, but I'm more excited. I'm looking forward to the good things I know God is going to do on this trip.

Family:
Family is doing well. My newest nephew is growing so quickly! He'll be four months old on the 21st which is just crazy to think about already. He's so handsome and has aunt Heather wrapped around his little finger already. I just can't get enough of him. Logan is going to be eight on the 13th, which also boggles my mind. That means it's been EIGHT YEARS since my freshman year of college! Holy cow, where has the time gone?! He's SO smart and he still melts my heart when he hugs me and tells me he loves me. He's also going to hold such a special place in my heart because he was my first nephew. I love him, Daniel, and Savannah equally but he'll always be my baby. Savannah is going to be six in May and is in kindergarten now. She's full of attitude, all of which comes from my sister! She cracks me up with the stuff that comes out of her mouth. Sometimes I forget she's only five. I tell my sister she's five going on 15. haha

The biggest thing going on in our family right now is that we're talking about putting our dog down. It breaks my heart to even write about this but I just can't keep it bottled up anymore. She's getting old; she's at least 13 years old now I think. She started losing weight, she can't hold her bladder, and now she's having trouble seeing. I can't imagine not having her here but I can't stand the thought that she might be in pain. She's having spells where it seems like she's confused when she goes outside and will go out under the fence and then just circle our driveway like she doesn't know where to be. My mom went outside to get her the other night and she was just sitting between the car and the driveway, just sitting there. I cried myself to sleep last night because my parents brought up the discussion of what we're going to do and I just couldn't talk about it. It makes my heart hurt too much to think about it.

I hate to end on such a sad note but that's all I really have. That's my life in a nutshell. I think I covered the biggert points anyway. I'm sure there's probably more but it's 11:30 on Saturday night and my brain is officially turned off for the night. Hopefully it won't be a month before I update again!

I'm alive!

I'm alive I swear! Things have been crazy busy since Christmas and I was sick for a couple of days after Christmas so I just haven't had time to write. This is my reminder to myself to update on everything from Haiti to school to church to my words for 2012 and an update on my word from 2011 and so much more. The biggest news to update on is a BIG decision I made concerning this summer and the steps I've taken to getting there. I have a HUGE list in my purse of things I need to update on so my next update will be lengthy. I'm in class until 9:30 tomorrow night (yuck!) so I'll try and update Thursday before we leave for retreat Friday.

Miss you all! Hope everyone is doing well!