Annoyed

Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up and just know you're going to be in a crappy mood all day? That's me today. I don't know why I'm so cranky but I am. The down side of it? I'm going out with friends tonight and right now, I don't even really feel like going. I'm going because it's the last free night of their spring break and we haven't had a fun night out together in forever, but really, I just want to avoid people.

I have an idea of why I'm so cranky and annoyed but yet, no one to talk to. Funny how that works isn't it? I tried explaining it to Megan last night but somehow the conversation shifted away from why I'm truly upset and annoyed and I never did try to get back to it.

Lately I've become so closed off and I don't know how to change that. The only person who has really gotten told anything recently is Vince and that's because he asked me last weekend how I was really feeling about stuff in my life. Even then I didn't tell him everything because it's just become easier to not tell everyone everything lately. Oh and my mentor Mrs. G. from church knows too because we had a three hour talk a couple weeks ago about everything going on in my life.

It just sucks when you don't feel like you can talk to anyone because you'll either make someone upset with you or you'll be accused of being jealous of that person's life when both are the furthest thing from the truth. I'm at the point right now that I want to cry and I just can't do it because there are too many people around. How can you be real with someone when they don't want to hear it? They may say they do but their body language and facial expression give away that they don't or give away the fact that they're upset with you for feeling the way you do. That's why I just keep my mouth shut anymore. It's just easier to let it all build up until I can spill my feelings into my offline journal or a private entry in my online blogs. Somehow, it's just easier that way. I grew up hiding how I felt when I lived with my dad so starting to hide how I feel again has just come back naturally. It's just another day in my life anymore.