Shallow?

I know I just updated and it's strange recently for me to update twice in one day (though technically it's 2 a.m. which means it's a new day) but I wanted to share some thoughts on my mind about self esteem.

Growing up, I always thought of myself as "the chubby one" among my friends. My friends have always been skinnier than me and during our early years, I used to be okay with that. In junior high, I joined sports teams in the hopes of getting in shape and not being an outsider. When that didn't work, I got involved in extracurriculars in high school and that's when I started making some of the friends I'm still the closest to today.

However, I've always felt like an outsider among my friends because I've never been able to shop in the same stores as them because I never fit the sizes of that store. I outwardly snubbed the latest fashions but secretly I wanted to be just like my friends.

It wasn't until college that I started to accept who I was as a person and began to realize that it wasn't my outer beauty that counted, but what was inside that mattered the most. That being said, I rose to my highest weight during those years and cringed each year when I went in for a physical and the numbers on the scale were higher than the year before. However, I never did anything to correct that problem but would complain about how I hated my body, how I hated myself, and no one was ever going to love me because I wasn't as pretty as my friends.

I tried numerous times during college to motivate myself to go to the campus rec center. I paired up with friends and instead of actually going and working out, we'd do one or two laps around the track and be done with it. We always found some reason to not work out and I never could make myself go alone.

When I got diagnosed with the PCOS in the summer of 2007 and started taking medicine to help correct it, I slowly started to lose weight. The combination of the meds and all the walking I did around campus helped the first 20 pounds or so come off quickly and easily. Once I graduated and started working in a job that had me out in the community most of the day, I started eating in my car and snacking while at my desk and the weight went right back on. The 20 pounds I had been so proud of snuck back on and it wasn't long before I was ashamed of my body again but never said anything to my friends.

Shortly after Christmas, Megan and I began to seriously discuss joining a gym because we wanted to start making healthy choices and treat our bodies properly. We did well in going together for awhile and then the winter storms we got quickly threw us off track. I finally started going again alone and since Christmas, I've lost 16 pounds and have gone down at least one or two sizes, depending on if you look at my pant size or my shirt size.

Tonight, I went shopping because all of my camis were too big. I went in with the sole purpose of buying camis and possibly a new bra and ended up walking out with two new camis, a new bra, a new pair of capris, and a new shirt. I didn't spend quite as much as I would have expected because everything was on sale but I was so excited that everything was a size smaller.

When I had gone home earlier, I had grabbed an odd combination of clothes because I couldn't decide what to wear tomorrow. I just spent the last half an hour trying on outfits before deciding what to wear so I could lay it out for church and I almost felt shallow at looking at myself in the mirror because for the first time since I started this weight loss journey, I could actually see the results in myself. I still have a long way to go but I am so proud that I can see myself trimming down and also building muscle. I love that I have made this decision to live a healthier lifestyle and that I can finally start to see results.

I feel shallow that I actually liked what I saw in the mirror but it was the first time in a long time that I looked in a mirror and didn't feel ashamed of who I was. I could see the finished product after straightening my hair and using the new makeup and for once I felt good about myself. I might not be as skinny as my friends and I might not look like a supermodel, but for the first time in a long time, I feel good about myself and I like what I see in the mirror. If that makes me shallow, then so be it. It's about time I have confidence in myself again. This has been a long time coming and it feels so good.