Nightmares

Lately I've been finding myself having nightmares ALL the time. I don't know what's gotten into my head lately but I don't like it. A lot of times I can't remember what the nightmare was and just wake up feeling as if something isn't right and feeling off all day long. Today is different because I actually remember the nightmare and it was like living part of my past all over again.

The summer before 4th grade, I had grand mal seizures. Three of them to be exact. The night they happened, my sister and I were camping out on my parent's bedroom floor because their's was the only room with an air conditioner that ran at night. In the middle of the night, I woke up and thought I was shivering. When I tried to move to pull the blankets up on me, I couldn't move. It was like I was frozen other than the shaking. I called out for my mom and couldn't even get the words out because of the seizure. Luckily my mom knew exactly what was happening because she had gone through this with her dad. She screamed for my dad to call 911 and held my arms down at my side so I couldn't hurt myself as I was having the seizure.

I was taken to the hospital and had all kinds of tests run but the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. They sent me for MRI's later that week which came back inconclusive and still had no idea what had happened. In the midst of all this testing, I had several more small seizures before the doctors decided that they should put me on medication. From 4th grade until 7th grade, I was on anti-seizure meds and terrified to go anywhere without my mom because I was afraid it would happen again. We had to tell all of my teachers about it, who then at first tried to treat me differently but since my mom was PTA president, that ended quickly because my teachers knew they'd face her wrath if they kept singling me out. :-P I never spent the night with friends, not even my best friend who lived right behind us because I was terrified it would happen in the middle of the night again and no one would know what to do for me.

In 7th grade, my pediatrician decided that he was going to start weaning me off of the medication to see how my body would react. Since they never found a medical reason for the seizures, he thought maybe my body had outgrown them, since that's what happens in certain cases with kids, especially as they hit puberty. Sure enough, he weaned me off the meds and I've never had another seizure since.

That's what makes last night so terrifying. I honestly felt like I was having a seizure. I kept crying out for my mom but no one was responding. At some point I realized I was dreaming and kept trying to force my eyes open and my body awake but my body wasn't listening. I thought for sure I was truly screaming out loud but since I was at my aunt's and my little cousins were sleeping on the couch and the recliner next to me, I know that I must not have been because they didn't once wake up. It was the most terrifying feeling trying to tell my body to do something and it not responding the way I wanted it to. That's exactly what happened when I had the seizures in elementary school.

Eventually I was able to force my eyes open and my body awake and I just laid on the couch with my heart pounding, terrified to go back to sleep because I was afraid it would happen again. Eventually sleep won out and I did fall back asleep and slept until the kids woke me up about 8ish but it wasn't a restful sleep since I feel completely groggy and out of it right now.

A big part of me knows last night was just a nightmare but a very, very tiny part of me is doubting it and wondering if I did have a small seizure last night. I know that's crazy to say but it's how I feel. This is the second or third time in a couple of weeks ths has happened and I think it's just got me all worked up and unsure of what to think about it. It's just such a terrifying feeling to feel as if you have no control over your body as you try to force yourself awake and feel like you can't move. It was like living that night years ago all over again and that is one night I really don't wish to relive.

Maybe I'll talk to my mom when I get home this afternoon. She's a nurse and should be able to tell me if I was just dreaming or if I should be concerned. I'm just completely freaked out right now. :-/