This is a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. At the age of 24, I can now understand how big of an impact society plays in love and dating. Stereotypes lead society to believe that by the age of 24 you should be settling down and getting married and possibly even be having kids. If you're not, then obviously something is wrong with you.
I do not fit any of the criteria above. I am not dating someone, I am obviously not married, and I am nowhere near having children. Don't get me wrong-I want all of that someday and I want to believe that because it is a desire of my heart, that God is going to fulfill it. However, I know God's ways aren't always my ways and it could very well be that He may not have someone for me.
Truthfully, am I going to be okay with that? In time maybe. However, right now, the idea of not getting married and having a family someday hurts. It hurts a lot. My friends like to blow me off when I talk about not being in a dating relationship and how uncertain I am that God has that perfect someone out there for me. What they don't understand is how much it truthfully hurts to know that just because it's a desire of my heart, doesn't mean it's a desire of God's heart.
Last week, I was subbing in kindergarten for the third day in a row and I had a conversation with one of the 4 year old girls from the class across the hall. She was sitting in my lap and we were reading a book when she looked up at me and asked me if I was married. I lightly laughed and replied with, "No K, I'm not married." She then asked me why not and I told her I hadn't found Mr. Right yet. She told me that she thought I needed to get married and should go out that weekend and get married. I just laughed again and sent her on to another activity.
That conversation has stuck with me ever since. Trust a 4 year old to get right to the heart of the matter. Kids are so perceptive to how we truly feel and part of me is amazed that she seemed to pick up on my loneliness. Then again, it could have been because the older kids were doing the whole "chase the boy/girl you like and tell them they're your boyfriend/girlfriend." Either way, this loneliness has been making my heart hurt since the day I had this conversation with her.
I went on a date last week. Well, actually, I'm still trying to decide if it was a date. Everyone at work seems to think it was, along with my family, but I never can tell with these things. Either way, while I had a great time, part of the evening was just awkward, especially when he was always putting his arm around me. That night gave me the affirmation that we are only meant to be friends and nothing more than that.
I've known that for awhile but man, another dead end. I never expected more than that but sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball and could see the future. Maybe it would make this time of loneliness easier. I don't know.
Yesterday, I went out to lunch with a bunch of the college kids who were home for Thanksgiving weekend. On the way home, when Joe stopped for gas, I stared out the window at the rain and for some reason, memories of another drive and another person came rushing back and it was all I could think of. His face haunted me for the rest of the afternoon and even through part of today when I let myself think about him.
I don't know what triggered the memory. Usually it's a song, like now, that make me think of him, but there was nothing in particular that made me think of him or the memories we've created. I had been having an amazing time and loving every minute of being with some incredible people only to have it all come toppling down by memories of a person who clearly doesn't care as much about me as I do about him.
Sometimes, the loneliness just hits. And when it hits, it hits big time. I'm trying to trust in God and trust His timing, but the hardest part of it all is not being able to talk with my friends about it because they constantly tell me I'm ridiculous for worrying about this subject. If only I could get them to step inside my head for one day and to see how I feel. Then maybe they'd understand. Until then, I'll just keep writing and praying and waiting it all out.
2 comments:
"i'll take you on a date... i'll rock your world."
Just kidding. Thanks for you post, i can totally relate. I feel the same way at times.
I hate how our society pressures everyone to be married by a certain age. Too many rush into marriage. Let me tell you it's nothing to take lightly,you know this though. Marriage is not a fairy tale. It can be,but you have to work at it. Too many young people just jump the gun. I was not ready at 20,21, or even 22. I was 23 when I married Mike. I was ready then,but still God is working on me. You are giving a lot over to one person and when you're the woman you have a lot to give over. It just angers me how people think something is wrong with you if you aren't married by 25. My SIL is 25 and not married,she's barely dated, and she gets lonely and discouraged by others comments. *hugs* Love ya,Heather!
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