YAY!!!!

I GOT AN INTERVIEW FOR THE COUNSELING PROGRAM AT UC!!!!!!!

I am soooooo excited!! I got the e-mail last night but didn't check that e-mail account until about half an hour ago. I of course replied back saying I would be there!

The interview isn't until March 6th so I have a little over a month to prepare but I know it'll go by quickly. They sent questions in the e-mail incase you were unable to make it so I'll at least have an idea of what they're going to ask at the interview.

This is the next step before being accepted and I haven't been able to stop bouncing around since I opened the e-mail. I honestly didn't think I would get an interview or anything like that. I honestly believed that I would receive a rejection letter and be done with it but apparently UC had different ideas. YAY!!!!

Annoyed

I am so annoyed with myself right now. Somehow I messed up my checkbook and I actually have $60 less than I thought I did. This means that I now have to transfer money from my credit card or just use my credit card for the next two weeks for gas because I have a student loan payment due tomorrow, along with two bills that I've had for almost two weeks that I need to pay.

I am so annoyed at myself for messing up my checkbook. I haven't done this since my freshman year at OU. Ugh.

Patience is a virtue

I am soooo excited because I am writing this from the comfort of my own couch! I had to call Time Warner Cable tonight because our cable was acting up so I asked about our internet which was also being goofy and to make a long story short, I had to call the company that made my router so they could reset my wireless password my parents couldn't remember and I am now finally able to use my wireless internet! YAY!

I'm also writing this from my OWN couch which means I am no longer snowed in at my aunts. The main roads and highways are finally clear but my commute this morning was treacherous. I even called work crying because I had been sliding all over the highway and was on the verge of a breakdown. I finally made it to work an hour after leaving my aunt's house, when it should have only taken me 15 minutes to get to work.

Work was long. We had all 14 kids today but the bright spot was that I got sent home an hour early because other classes were low so they pulled teachers who worked later to my room and sent me home early. I was able to come home and relax and just enjoy being in my own house again.

My parents have season tickets to the Aronoff and their performance was canceled last night because of the weather. Since the show is only playing through this weekend, they were going to be unable to use their tickets. However, they knew how badly I had wanted to see this play so now tomorrow night Carrie and I are going to see the Broadway production of Grease!! I'm so excited because I love the theater and I love getting dressed up and going downtown. Plus, Carrie and I had a blast a few years ago when we went to see Phantom of the Opera so I know tomorrow night will be no different.

All right, I'm off. I'm going to finish watching Private Practice and then take a shower and head to bed. It's so nice to be home!

Snowed in

I had my first "official" snow day as a teacher today. I say "official" because yesterday we were open but my boss told me not to come in because I live further from the school than a lot of people. Today, however, we closed and it was nice to sleep in until 9:30 (after setting an alarm for 6:15 to call the hotline to find out if we were open or not!).

Since Monday night at ten when the snow started, we've gotten about 10 inches of snow, along with an inch or so of ice. I spent over an hour today scraping the ice off of my car and then another hour getting it off my grandma's car. I honestly don't think I've seen snow like this since I lived in Youngstown since I was in Athens last year when it snowed and we only got a couple inches there.

Even after getting the ice off of my car, I'm stuck because the roads aren't plowed. We tried to move my car earlier so my uncle could snow blow the driveway and all my tires did was spin. It should be interesting trying to get my car out tomorrow if I do have to work. I have a feeling I may be stuck again tomorrow too.

Oh yeah, have I mentioned that I'm snowed in at my aunt and uncle's? Yep, that's where I am. I came over Monday night to be closer to work and I've been here ever since because the weather has been horrible. I'm staying again tonight but I'm determined to get home tomorrow. We'll see what happens I guess.

Alright I'm off. It's almost dinner time and I'm still cold from clearing off my car so I'm going to go bundle up under some blankets. Here's to hoping the weather tomorrow is good enough for me to get home!

Faithful

Since I'm at home sick, I'm bored out of my mind. I want desperately to get out of this house because I have cabin fever. Since my breakfast has successfully stayed in my stomach, if I have the energy later I'm thinking of going to Barnes and Noble and browsing some books. Or something. I just need out of this house.

A few posts back, I wrote about how I had a bad night where I cried myself to sleep because of all the stress in my life. However, I should really learn not to worry so much because if I only trust God to do His job, my life would be so less complicated.

Last week at work, my boss approached me about picking up some extra hours for the next month or so. One of our teachers in the 18-24 month room just had knee replacement surgery and she's down for at least a month, if not longer. However, this leaves them short a teacher and with our having 14 kids and a 1:7 ratio, they needed a second person in there. I had subbed in there last Thursday and Friday and apparently my boss liked what she saw. We have this star chart where we get stars for going above and beyond our job duties, getting compliments from parents, etc etc. Last week, I went from having three stars on Monday to having at least seven or eight on Friday. For every five stars, you get some kind of reward. I was shocked to have gotten so many last week but after talking to my boss, it made me feel great about how I'm doing.

I walked into this job with no teaching experienece and no education experience. I've baby-sat and I've been a nanny, but I have never taught. However, under the guidance of both of the directors and the amazing teachers at my school, I'm flourishing. I love love love what I'm doing and I love getting up everyday and actually looking forward to going to work.

This temporary increase in hours could be permanent if rumors can be trusted. Apparently my boss is impressed with how Holly (the other teacher in the room) and I have handled this transition and they think all the moving around and bending and sitting on the floor will be hard for the regular teacher so they're thinking of moving her to a room where she won't have to put her knee under so much stress. For at least the next month, I'm picking up 40 hours a week (technically I'm at work for 45 but I get an hour a day for lunch) instead of my normal 30.

This is where being faithful comes in. I should have known to trust God that He would work everything out. When I finally stopped crying over it and started praying, this opportunity presented itself. It's going to take care of all and I mean all of my bills (including my student loan payments!) and still given me a little bit extra every month. How much better can that get?

Don't get me wrong-I'm still aiming to get all of my loans consolidated into one payment instead of the current two (and eventually three once my Perkins loan kicks into repayment) but even so, I know I can handle it. I still need to be careful of my spending but as I sat and made a budget last night and matched it against what I earn, I realized I'm going to be okay. What an incredible feeling.

Things are going to be okay. I now know that and need to start trusting that everything is going to work itself out.

Things I'm grateful for today: (hopeful to be a new trend with every post)
1. The fact that my breakfast stayed in my stomach
2. Amazing friends and family who call to check on me
3. A boss who calls to see how I'm feeling after being out for two days
4. A new hope for our country
5. My faith, which continues to grow everyday

You've got to be kidding me

I'm home sick. Again. I woke up at 6:45 this morning and was through brushing my teeth and washing my face when I went running for the toilet. I called my mom at work and asked her what I should do and she told me to stay home one more day. I called in and it didn't sound like they were very happy that I was out again but I really don't want the kids to get sick.

I'm so tired of being sick. I swear I've been sick since I started this job in November. Everyone tells me the first six months on the job is the hardest but I'm so over it. I just want to feel normal again.

I'm off to get some sleep. Or something. Ugh.

Feeling normal

I'm finally beginning to feel normal again after four days of being sick. I woke up at 6:45 this morning and knew I wasn't going to make it through the work day. I called in and then went back to sleep until 8:30 when I woke up coughing. I took some medicine and went back to sleep until noon but when I woke up, I felt wonderful.

I must have been running a fever because it finally broke around 1 and I was sweating. Then I was able to keep down some toast and juice which was wonderful. That's also what I had for dinner. I have a really odd craving for McDonald's french fries but I know my stomach is not ready for greasy food yet.

It's so nice to feel good again. This cough is still obnoxious but even it's not as bad as it has been. I feel bad for calling in today, but I know with not having any energy and running a fever I wasn't going to be of any use to anyone. I hope things weren't too chaotic with me being gone.

I have an update on the work and teaching situation but I'm going to wait to post that because I still don't have a lot of energy to sit here and write. Instead I'm going to go shower and then watch the Bachelor before calling it a night.

So so sick

I am absolutely miserable. Apparently getting sick the other night while I was driving should have been a sign for me. I was sick again on Thursday after work and then it kicked into full swing on Saturday.

I stayed with Lauren at her hotel on Friday night and by Saturday morning, I was miserable. I hadn't slept at all Friday night because I was coughing and then on Saturday I proceeded to get sick after eating my lucnh. I haven't been able to keep food down since Friday night at Applebees.

I hate that I'm most likely going to call off of work tomorrow but because I can't keep food down, I'm ridiculously weak and it hurts to breathe in. I, of course, have no insurance so my mom who is a nurse put me on antibiotics the other night after getting sick the second time around.

Between those and the cough medicine I'm taking, nothing seems to be helping other than sleeping. I'm hoping if I rest all day tomorrow I'll be ready to be back into the swing of things on Tuesday.I need to get off of here because I'm starting to feel light headed from not eating. Maybe I'll go lay down and sleep again.

Terrible horrible no good very bad day

Yesterday was one of those days where you wish you had just stayed in bed instead of getting up. Unfortunately, I had to work all day.

The day started off fine. I had to be in at 8:30 and I left a little early just incase the roads were snowy or there was a lot of rush hour traffic. I hit my exit at 8 so I decided to go to Starbucks for hot chocolate to kick off my morning. I reached into my purse to get my Starbucks gold card and my debit card out and imagine my surprise when my wallet wasn't there! I called home, and sure enough, I had left it on the coffee table after balancing my checkbook the night before.

From there, the day was ok until the very end. One of my students fell against the half wall in our room (it divides the crawling area from the walking area) and his mouth started bleeding. I didn't realize at first he was bleeding because I had picked him up to console him and when I glanced down at him, I noticed the blood on my shirt. Luckily his mom was really understanding about it and said that it had been happening alot lately.

After work, I went to my cousins dance class and then to Skyline to hang out while they ate. On my way home, I was coughing so hard I got sick all over myself. I was in the lane to get on the highway, so I had no choice but to merge on. I went down to the next exit and got off so I could find a gas station and a restroom. I didn't want to walk in looking the way I did so I cleaned myself up as best as I could with my gloves and then went in to use the restroom to clean myself up more. I had to take off my jacket because it was disgusting and then I bought a bottle of febreeze and some paper towels (I had gotten money out of my bank account during my lunch break at work-the one high point of my day) and then proceeded to make a fool of myself by asking for a garbage bag or something to put my coat in so I didn't have to smell it the whole way home. As the workers just stared at me, I meekly told them I had been sick and if I had to keep my jacket out, I'd be sick again. I told them I was sure it was the weirdest request they'd ever heard and the guy was like "Uhhh...yeah." But at least he gave me a garbage bag. I went out to my car, cleaned up my mess, and made it home with nothing more happening to me.

Days like those make me wish I had gone back to bed when I thought about it. Luckily today was a much better day and tomorrow will top it all because Lauren is going to be in town this weekend and we're hanging out tomorrow!

Don't eat the crayon!

I spent my day today chasing after five rowdy boys who were determined to drive Miss Heather up a wall. I was grateful for when 5:30 rolled around and the last student was picked up. Tomorrow should be interesting since I'm working in one of the three year old rooms in the morning and then my own room in the afternoon.

I did find out today that when Kim and Jess both go on maternity leave in the spring, I'll be the new lead teacher in our classroom. This means I'll need to spend more time preparing lesson plans, interacting with the parents, and actually teaching my class. I am so excited about this because it also means increased hours which will help with my financial problems.

Everything is still pretty bumpy and I'm still working through the emotions and frustrations of the last few posts but I'm trusting in God to provide and to take care of me. I know He's never going to give me more than I can handle and for that I'm grateful.

Tears

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I cried myself to sleep. All day, I had been looking forward to going out for my sister's birthday, only to have her blow me off and not even care. By the time I realized we weren't hanging out, all of my other friends were busy.

When she finally got home after midnight, I was a wreck. I was so upset about that and upset about every other area of my life. I had been on the phone with Denise but couldn't even finish that conversation because silently I was crying on the other end of the phone.

When I hung up, I rolled over on my side and just let the tears fall as I yelled at God in my mind. I was so tired of putting everyone before me, of always having to drop everything for everyone else when no one does the same for me. I was so tired of not having friends who genuinely care anymore, people who don't ask me how I'm doing but only seem to want me around when they're having problems.

I cried because I can't afford my student loan payments, let alone any of my other bills. I quit a job I hated and took a job I love, along with a huge paycut. I'm tired of having my stepdad tell me (even if it is jokingly) that maybe I should find a job that pays more. I cried because I'm terrified I won't get into grad school and if I do, I'm afraid I won't be able to afford it.

I think every tear I had left in my body came out last night. I was absolutely devastated about everything in my life. I grabbed my phone and I text the one person who will always drop everything for me and asked if we could get together today for coffee and talk because I just needed a friend.

It hurts to watch my friends be caught up in wedding planning, baby planning, their boyfriends, their jobs, and school. No one bothers to ask me what's going on in my life anymore but expects me to listen to what's going on in theirs. I can't remember the last time I bared my soul and really shared what was going on in my life. No one knows about the pain I'm experiencing, the fears I have, and the struggles I'm going through until I write about them here because no one takes the time to listen anymore.

I can't do this anymore. It shouldn't have come to a point where I cried myself to sleep last night. It shouldn't come to a point where I have to be the one to seek others out and be like "Just listen to me for once." That's not friendship. I'd rather bottle everything up inside then to make people step out of their self-centered lives and listen to me for a change because I know they're not really listening.

All I want is one person to look at me and be like "Heather, how are you really doing?" That's all I want. Instead, it all gets bottled up inside and I end up crying myself to sleep when I finally can't take it anymore. How is that fair?

Trying to find contentment

At 24, it's beginning to become hard to sit back and watch as everyone who is younger than me is beginning to get engaged and married. I'm tired of signing in to facebook and seeing another set of my friends are engaged. I'm tired of having to be the bridesmaid and having to attend weddings solo or with friends because there's not a ring on my finger yet.

Sometimes, I just want to run out into my backyard and scream, "Why not me God? When is it going to be my turn?" I know that at this stage in my life, I am not ready to be in that kind of a commited relationship. I know emotionally and financially I'm not ready for it. I can barely support myself, let alone having to worry about bringing someone else into the mix.

But you know what, just because I'm not ready doesn't make it any easier to sit back and watch as the rest of the world is finding the person they're meant to spend the rest of their lives with and I have to sit back and watch as everyone else is happy but me. My entire life, all I've ever wanted is to get married and have a family. That's it. These days, I don't know if it's ever going to happen.

I know God's plans for my life are greater than my own. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me but I want that purpose to include having a husband and a houseful of kids. I want the cute little house with the picket fence and a family that is sold out for Christ. That doesn't mean I'm going to get what I want though.

How do you know when your desires are just desires and thoughts of the world and when they're desires that have been placed on your heart by God? This is my biggest struggle. If wanting to be married and having kids isn't part of God's plan for me, why won't He ease the pain I experience everytime someone other than me becomes engaged and starts their happily ever after?

It used to be that I was so busy, I didn't have time to notice how lonely I was. Between school and work and church, I didn't notice that I was the only person not dating someone. But now when I come home and I don't have work from that day to finish and I don't have studying to do, now I notice how much more prominent the loneliness in my heart is. I bought a book around Thanksgiving at Berean called "Living Whole Without a Better Half" by Wendy Widder and it's all about finding my contentment in the Lord and learning to live completely without needing someone else in my life. I haven't gotten very far into it because I don't want to accept that not being married might be God's plan for me.

When the loneliness hits, it hits hard. I don't know how much more I can take of watching everyone else becoming engaged and getting married and pretending that I'm happy when deep down inside of me, my soul is crying out to the Lord, asking when it's going to be my turn. Just once I'd like the comfort of knowing I have a happily ever after. Instead, I just wait. Somehow, it doesn't seem fair.

Family

After eight years away from Youngstown, it's become natural to not feel any sort of emotions when I talk about my family. The first couple of years I lived in Cincinnati, it was hard being away and I thought everything would be the same. Then I realized that secretly, people were actually upset that my mom had chosen to move us out of a rough situation to make a better life for us.

When I went to Youngstown in October, I went to see my aunt and uncle for the first time in over a year. Since my biological father has moved to Florida apparently, I had no qualms over stopping in for a visit. While I was there, my cousin Terry Lee called to talk to my aunt and uncle. It's been almost seven years since I've seen him and no one even bothered to tell me that a year ago he moved with his boyfriend to Denver. I was crushed when I realized we weren't in the same state anymore.

We talked for almost half an hour on the phone and during that half an hour, we reconnected on the same level that we had always been on. While he's almost 15 years older than me (maybe more?) we were always close growing up. He was my favorite family member and the one I could always count on for a laugh and a smile when I was down. He gave me his e-mail address and phone number and told me to keep in touch because he misses me and talks about me on occasion.

That reconnection was so sweet. I never expected it, but it was exactly what I needed. However, for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to e-mail him, even over the holidays when I missed him the most, thinking the reconnection had just been a fluke. Tonight though, I had been thinking about him and realized I was never going to get over my fear if I didn't e-mail him so that's exactly what I did.

I was so stupid to think it was a fluke because he e-mailed me back not even an hour later and it was like no time at all had passed. He's encouraging me to come for a visit and if I could afford it, I would in a heartbeat. As it is, my credit card is just about maxed out thanks to student loans and car problems but I'm thinking a good portion of my tax refund (if it's decent) could go towards a plane ticket out there because seven years is a long time to go without seeing someone you care so much about.

Even though it feels as if the rest of my family in Youngstown has pretty much forgotten about me, it's comforting to know that there will always be one person who will always be a part of my life. For me, that's all I need. :-)

Friendships

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the friendships in my life lately and I find myself wondering about a lot of them anymore.

I can't remember the last time I had a genuine heart to heart talk with anyone. It's gotten to a point where the stuff going on in my life has just been bottled up inside because I either get the whole "Oh Heather you shouldn't be worrying about that" response or the "Oh that reminds me (insert something about their lives here.)" Neither of those are very helpful.

Adrienne was just in town for the last week and I think I saw her every night but one that she was here and that makes me happier than words can describe. There's something about the person who has been in your life for so long (14 years in our case...we counted!) that just makes you know that if all else fails, there will always be at least one person you can count on. When we went out last night and started laughing over a song that came on her ipod, it hit me that whenever I'm with her, I laugh more than I do with anyone else. I feel like my smiles are genuine and my laughter is real. I love that. I love that even after eight years and four hours apart, we're still best friends. I'm ready to start a countdown for her move here in June because it's been too long since we've been in the same city.

I don't know if it's because she knows me better than I know myself or if something is changing in all of my other friendships. I get tired of making all the effort. I get tired of making the phone calls, the facebook posts, the myspace comments, etc. etc. Sometimes, all I want is someone else to make the effort. I feel like it takes writing stuff like this for my friends to realize I'm hurting, things change for a couple of weeks, and then it goes back to being like this all over again. I'm tired of it.

With the deadline for UC breathing down my neck (everything is finally finished!) I've started looking back on my time at OU. Somehow, the friendships I thought would last forever actually didn't. Seven months after graduation, I don't talk to anyone anymore. Here and there people will IM me but the conversations will be so awkward that it stops ten minutes after it begins. How did that happen? How did we go from being best friends to not being friends at all?

I know there's one particular friendship that has fallen apart that hurts the most and I know we're both to blame for it. However, I feel like more of the blame should be shifted on me just because of certain circumstances. If I could go back and change a couple of the druken nights and fights, I would in a heartbeat. I keep trying to bridge the gap with text messages and myspace comments, but somehow, nothing is working. I don't even know why I bother anymore.

All I want is a geunine, this is real, this is me friendship and these days, it seems like that's too much to ask for as the people in my life get caught up with boyfriends, work, school, and who knows what else. I get put on the back burner until I'm needed and I don't know how much longer I can handle that. All I want is for one person to know the real me. Is that too much to ask?

Tired

I feel like I'm tired all the time anymore. I slept for about eight hours last night and then came home from the gym this afternoon and proceeded to sleep for almost three more hours. This is becoming an everyday occurance anymore. I've prided myself on not napping since graduation from OU so I could stay on a regular sleep schedule for work, but the past two weeks it hasn't seemed to matter and I've needed naps in the afternoon just to function.

The first thought that popped into my head was mono but I know there have to be more symptoms than that. My mom thinks I should take vitamins because the only other time I've been like this was the first year at OU and I had a low iron count. Maybe I should start taking them, especially now that my body is being worked out on a regular basis.

Last night Adrienne and I went to Wal-mart and daydreamed about our future apartments. Well, she actually shopped since she and Kevin are moving in together in June but I just looked. I wish I could afford to move out but at this point, I can't even afford my student loan payments, let alone rent and utilities on an apartment.

I don't miss being a student. I miss college life, but I don't miss being a student. I love being an adult and I love what I do, but sometimes, when I think about the huge pay cut I took leaving Lighthouse, I wonder if I made the right choice. But then I think about the fact that I'm so much happier and I don't cry myself to sleep anymore and I tell myself that somehow, some way, it's all going to work out. I just have to figure out how.

The damage

I got my car back today...finally. First off, I know I complain about my car a lot but I truly do love it, no matter how old it is. And I love my mechanic because he is amazingly wonderful and is always honest with me. I wouldn't take my car anywhere other than to him!

So...the damage. $723. Yeah, you read that right. I had to put it on my credit card because obviously I don't have that much money. Ron flat out told me had it not been a safety issue and had I not really needed my car, he wouldn't have fixed it. In the two years I've had it, I've put $3600 into it. That's $1100 more than I paid for it. After this round in the shop, I'm done. I can't afford to keep fixing it. So now, I'm going to have to really budget and with each paycheck, start saving for a new car. *sigh*

Now if I could only figure out what to do about my student loans. I need to get to Chase tomorrow and talk with someone about consolidation because I can't afford how much I'm supposed to pay now.

I'm so glad I joined Fitworks, even though tonight I was crying about it because of my car. The money I pay each month for Fitworks could be saved towards a car but I know that what I do pay for Fitworks is typically about how much I spend on eating out during the month.

Anyway, I'm so glad I joined a gym. In the last week, I've lost two pounds! I know it's not a lot but it's a little step for me towards the goal I'm trying to reach so I'm excited. I didn't work out yesterday because I gave my sore muscles a day off but I did go and work out for about 40 minutes tonight to burn off some frustration about my car. Tomorrow I'm taking a Zumba class with some friends and then Sunday I'll probably do a light workout with Carolyn so she can see what Fitworks has to offer.

I'm so glad I'm taking this step to strive towards a healthier lifestyle. I think 2009 is going to be a great year as long as I can keep my car from dying on the side of the road! :-P

A reflection on 2008

2008 was a year of many changes. It had it's ups and it had it's downs but I'm definitely looking forward to what 2009 has in store for me.

It's hard to believe, but at this time last year, I was getting ready to head back for my final quarter as a college student before my full time internship. I was preparing myself for the goodbyes I knew were only ten weeks away and planning what would be my last spring break trip with people I knew I would never forget.

Now, a year later, I'm an adult and instead of getting ready to head back to the world of classes and papers, I'm headed back to the world of teaching and changing diapers. I never thought a year ago that I would be teaching preschool and changing my mind about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

It amazes me how much happier I am when I let God's plan for me take precedence over what I want. Tonight at the youth worship service, Seth gave a mini talk on letting go of the things we were holding onto from our past, whether it was things we ourselves had done or things other people had done to us. As he talked and we prayed, I realized how long it's been since I've given God the keys and let His plan be the major factor in my life. Instead, I keep thinking I know what's best, when in fact I need to let God factor into every single part of my life, not just the parts I let Him into.

Tym popped into my head tonight as I was praying about this because he constantly tells me that his faith is what helps him to make all of his decisions in his life and that letting God surround every part of him is how he lives out his faith. I want that. I want 2009 to be the year that I pray out every decision I make and start living out my faith, regardless of what other people think. 2009 is going to be a year I can look back on and tell myself that I was pleased with how God had moved and that there wasn't a single ounce of regret. One year from tonight I want to be able to say, "Thank you Lord for being the center of my life."

Here's to a brand new 2009. :-)