Tears

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I cried myself to sleep. All day, I had been looking forward to going out for my sister's birthday, only to have her blow me off and not even care. By the time I realized we weren't hanging out, all of my other friends were busy.

When she finally got home after midnight, I was a wreck. I was so upset about that and upset about every other area of my life. I had been on the phone with Denise but couldn't even finish that conversation because silently I was crying on the other end of the phone.

When I hung up, I rolled over on my side and just let the tears fall as I yelled at God in my mind. I was so tired of putting everyone before me, of always having to drop everything for everyone else when no one does the same for me. I was so tired of not having friends who genuinely care anymore, people who don't ask me how I'm doing but only seem to want me around when they're having problems.

I cried because I can't afford my student loan payments, let alone any of my other bills. I quit a job I hated and took a job I love, along with a huge paycut. I'm tired of having my stepdad tell me (even if it is jokingly) that maybe I should find a job that pays more. I cried because I'm terrified I won't get into grad school and if I do, I'm afraid I won't be able to afford it.

I think every tear I had left in my body came out last night. I was absolutely devastated about everything in my life. I grabbed my phone and I text the one person who will always drop everything for me and asked if we could get together today for coffee and talk because I just needed a friend.

It hurts to watch my friends be caught up in wedding planning, baby planning, their boyfriends, their jobs, and school. No one bothers to ask me what's going on in my life anymore but expects me to listen to what's going on in theirs. I can't remember the last time I bared my soul and really shared what was going on in my life. No one knows about the pain I'm experiencing, the fears I have, and the struggles I'm going through until I write about them here because no one takes the time to listen anymore.

I can't do this anymore. It shouldn't have come to a point where I cried myself to sleep last night. It shouldn't come to a point where I have to be the one to seek others out and be like "Just listen to me for once." That's not friendship. I'd rather bottle everything up inside then to make people step out of their self-centered lives and listen to me for a change because I know they're not really listening.

All I want is one person to look at me and be like "Heather, how are you really doing?" That's all I want. Instead, it all gets bottled up inside and I end up crying myself to sleep when I finally can't take it anymore. How is that fair?