At 24, it's beginning to become hard to sit back and watch as everyone who is younger than me is beginning to get engaged and married. I'm tired of signing in to facebook and seeing another set of my friends are engaged. I'm tired of having to be the bridesmaid and having to attend weddings solo or with friends because there's not a ring on my finger yet.
Sometimes, I just want to run out into my backyard and scream, "Why not me God? When is it going to be my turn?" I know that at this stage in my life, I am not ready to be in that kind of a commited relationship. I know emotionally and financially I'm not ready for it. I can barely support myself, let alone having to worry about bringing someone else into the mix.
But you know what, just because I'm not ready doesn't make it any easier to sit back and watch as the rest of the world is finding the person they're meant to spend the rest of their lives with and I have to sit back and watch as everyone else is happy but me. My entire life, all I've ever wanted is to get married and have a family. That's it. These days, I don't know if it's ever going to happen.
I know God's plans for my life are greater than my own. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me but I want that purpose to include having a husband and a houseful of kids. I want the cute little house with the picket fence and a family that is sold out for Christ. That doesn't mean I'm going to get what I want though.
How do you know when your desires are just desires and thoughts of the world and when they're desires that have been placed on your heart by God? This is my biggest struggle. If wanting to be married and having kids isn't part of God's plan for me, why won't He ease the pain I experience everytime someone other than me becomes engaged and starts their happily ever after?
It used to be that I was so busy, I didn't have time to notice how lonely I was. Between school and work and church, I didn't notice that I was the only person not dating someone. But now when I come home and I don't have work from that day to finish and I don't have studying to do, now I notice how much more prominent the loneliness in my heart is. I bought a book around Thanksgiving at Berean called "Living Whole Without a Better Half" by Wendy Widder and it's all about finding my contentment in the Lord and learning to live completely without needing someone else in my life. I haven't gotten very far into it because I don't want to accept that not being married might be God's plan for me.
When the loneliness hits, it hits hard. I don't know how much more I can take of watching everyone else becoming engaged and getting married and pretending that I'm happy when deep down inside of me, my soul is crying out to the Lord, asking when it's going to be my turn. Just once I'd like the comfort of knowing I have a happily ever after. Instead, I just wait. Somehow, it doesn't seem fair.
2 comments:
Heather, I dont believe that God would call you to live a life so drastically different from the life you want. It just doesnt make any sense. I know thats easy for me to say. Maybe your man just isnt here yet. Its nothing you or he can control, but I dont think its God asking you to give up on your dream either. Men and women were designed to need each other, and God cant be so cruel as to ask a human to forgo that need.
So where is he? I dont know. Why isnt he here yet? Because hes a man ( :-P ) But is he coming? Yea. I think so.
Im sorry you're still waiting. It doesnt make sense to me because you're such a catch.
I hope one day that you are so happy you look back and decide the wait is worth it.
Heather, To walk the narrow road with Christ is a hardship to say the least. We need to thank god for our gift of life. Jesus, our Lord came here to help us and was put to death, yes, He died so that we could have a pathway to God.
Many don't understand that each day truly is a gift from God in itself. Nowadays folks get married only to divorce a few years later. I too had to wait many years to find my match. Continue to walk with Christ and pray. He does hear and will answer. You are, as each of us is, His child and His love for us is endless.
So have faith, God bless.
Joe Sgro
www.thejourneywithchrist.com
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