Friendships

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the friendships in my life lately and I find myself wondering about a lot of them anymore.

I can't remember the last time I had a genuine heart to heart talk with anyone. It's gotten to a point where the stuff going on in my life has just been bottled up inside because I either get the whole "Oh Heather you shouldn't be worrying about that" response or the "Oh that reminds me (insert something about their lives here.)" Neither of those are very helpful.

Adrienne was just in town for the last week and I think I saw her every night but one that she was here and that makes me happier than words can describe. There's something about the person who has been in your life for so long (14 years in our case...we counted!) that just makes you know that if all else fails, there will always be at least one person you can count on. When we went out last night and started laughing over a song that came on her ipod, it hit me that whenever I'm with her, I laugh more than I do with anyone else. I feel like my smiles are genuine and my laughter is real. I love that. I love that even after eight years and four hours apart, we're still best friends. I'm ready to start a countdown for her move here in June because it's been too long since we've been in the same city.

I don't know if it's because she knows me better than I know myself or if something is changing in all of my other friendships. I get tired of making all the effort. I get tired of making the phone calls, the facebook posts, the myspace comments, etc. etc. Sometimes, all I want is someone else to make the effort. I feel like it takes writing stuff like this for my friends to realize I'm hurting, things change for a couple of weeks, and then it goes back to being like this all over again. I'm tired of it.

With the deadline for UC breathing down my neck (everything is finally finished!) I've started looking back on my time at OU. Somehow, the friendships I thought would last forever actually didn't. Seven months after graduation, I don't talk to anyone anymore. Here and there people will IM me but the conversations will be so awkward that it stops ten minutes after it begins. How did that happen? How did we go from being best friends to not being friends at all?

I know there's one particular friendship that has fallen apart that hurts the most and I know we're both to blame for it. However, I feel like more of the blame should be shifted on me just because of certain circumstances. If I could go back and change a couple of the druken nights and fights, I would in a heartbeat. I keep trying to bridge the gap with text messages and myspace comments, but somehow, nothing is working. I don't even know why I bother anymore.

All I want is a geunine, this is real, this is me friendship and these days, it seems like that's too much to ask for as the people in my life get caught up with boyfriends, work, school, and who knows what else. I get put on the back burner until I'm needed and I don't know how much longer I can handle that. All I want is for one person to know the real me. Is that too much to ask?