Merry Christmas all! This year my heart hasn't been into Christmas and I think a lot of it is because I wasn't able to buy gifts for anyone in my family because I've been struggling with my finances due to a limited work schedule because of school. It took going to Christmas Eve service last night and the reminder of what the season is truly about to bring me out of my funk. I also love that Christmas fell on a Sunday this year and I got to start my Christmas Day by worshiping with my church family, which is always amazing.
I have so much to update on, especially on my word(s) for 2012. Last year's word was believe and I look forward to doing an update on how I grew by trusting and believing the Lord in 2011. For 2012, I can feel God laying the words strength and growth on my heart and I look forward to writing about what I think those words will bring to my life in 2012. Plus, I owe updates on every major area of my life, from love to school to work.
For now, I'm going to go catch a quick nap before my sister and her boyfriend and the kids come over so the kids can open gifts from my parents. My stomach has been queasy since leaving my cousin's (stupid rolling hills between home and Oxford....now I remember why I typically drive myself. I hate motion sickness. Ugh!) so I'm going to go drink some water and try to sleep it off.
I hope you all had a very, Merry Christmas. :-)
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
When one door closes, another opens...
I wasn't going to blog tonight but I just got in from spending time with J, which typically throws me for a loop emotionally. However, he brought his new girlfriend home and I have to admit that as nervous as I was about meeting her, I adore her. I text Evan when I got in and told him I was pretty sure I had just met J's future wife. That's how perfect I think she is for him. It was obvious in the short amount of time I spent with them before she went to bed so we could catch up that he cares more for her in the few months they've been dating than he did for his girlfriend he had at OSU.
It felt good to "officially" close the door on my past with J tonight. Even though I thought that door was closed after the conversation we had in May, it was officially closed tonight. I was even able to joke with him about our past which is always a good sign. I am genuinely happy for him and feel nothing but content at where we stand as friends.
However, as all good friends in my life, he knows me better than I know myself and wasn't afraid to call me out on how I feel right now with another person in my life. It amazes me how even from D.C. he still knows me better than I know myself. It was a geunine relief to be able to share with him how I felt and to have his support. I think out of any of my friends, his opinion ranks right up there with Megan and Vince's. I'm anxious for Vince to be here this coming week to get his feedback too.
I told Evan tonight when I got in that I feel content about where things stand with J and I and that I no longer doubt that God has something amazing planned for me. I can sense it, even if I don't 100 percent know what that plan is yet. I'm going to continue to trust Him and seek His will over my own. I think it's part of why I've been so up and down emotionally lately. I've been letting my head and my heart run away from me and not praying about it or spending time in the Word the way I know I need to be. How can I let God be at the center of any future relationship if I'm not allowing Him to be there before it even begins? After all, He's the one writing my love story right?
I think it will be interesting to see where things go in the next couple of months but for tonight, I am thankful for J and our friendship and how he will always be one of the people who knows me better than I know myself. It's also nice to know that distance doesn't change anything and even though we're both busy with grad school and work, we still have time to be there and support each other and be the friends we've always been. Time and distance mean nothing when it comes to the people who are your best friends.
It felt good to "officially" close the door on my past with J tonight. Even though I thought that door was closed after the conversation we had in May, it was officially closed tonight. I was even able to joke with him about our past which is always a good sign. I am genuinely happy for him and feel nothing but content at where we stand as friends.
However, as all good friends in my life, he knows me better than I know myself and wasn't afraid to call me out on how I feel right now with another person in my life. It amazes me how even from D.C. he still knows me better than I know myself. It was a geunine relief to be able to share with him how I felt and to have his support. I think out of any of my friends, his opinion ranks right up there with Megan and Vince's. I'm anxious for Vince to be here this coming week to get his feedback too.
I told Evan tonight when I got in that I feel content about where things stand with J and I and that I no longer doubt that God has something amazing planned for me. I can sense it, even if I don't 100 percent know what that plan is yet. I'm going to continue to trust Him and seek His will over my own. I think it's part of why I've been so up and down emotionally lately. I've been letting my head and my heart run away from me and not praying about it or spending time in the Word the way I know I need to be. How can I let God be at the center of any future relationship if I'm not allowing Him to be there before it even begins? After all, He's the one writing my love story right?
I think it will be interesting to see where things go in the next couple of months but for tonight, I am thankful for J and our friendship and how he will always be one of the people who knows me better than I know myself. It's also nice to know that distance doesn't change anything and even though we're both busy with grad school and work, we still have time to be there and support each other and be the friends we've always been. Time and distance mean nothing when it comes to the people who are your best friends.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
17 years...
They say when you're young, death doesn't hit you as hard. I, however, don't agree with that fact. I think that death can impact you, regardless of how old you are. The pain may fade, but the memories never do.
17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.
I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.
I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.
I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.
So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.
I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e
Save A Place For Me
Matthew West
Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
(Chorus)
I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...
(Chorus)
17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.
I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.
I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.
I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.
So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.
I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e
Save A Place For Me
Matthew West
Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
(Chorus)
I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...
(Chorus)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I want to write but...
I want to update. I do. I even keep opening up my web browser and then...nothing. I have so much I want to say, and no actual motivation to do it. So much has been going on, both good and bad, but for whatever reason, I'm just soaking in what's happening and finding it hard to get the words out.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, especially as I soak in all the good moments. I miss writing but lately I just haven't felt up to it. Life is floating by lately and I just haven't felt up to recording it. My camera has even been hiding out in my purse lately. Typically when we go places it's glued to my hand but even that has been too much.
I go between being completely content where I am right now and feeling ungrateful for where God has me. It's been trial and error but I'm learning. I know that's something I'll struggle with my entire life. It helps that lately I've been able to share a lot of how I'm feeling with one of my guy friends. I even told him last week at dinner that it helps to know he's normal and that his family is far from perfect. I sometimes struggle with the idea that no one could possibly understand what goes through my head and my heart and then God brings along the perfect person at the perfect time to show me that I'm wrong.
I don't know. I have so much I know I need to update on, such as school and Haiti and my family and my thoughts on my future and how I'm growing in the Lord but today, I just don't have the energy for it. I can't help but wonder if this rain is playing into it. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen sun. At this rate, it's going to be a long winter. *sigh*
That's not necessarily a bad thing, especially as I soak in all the good moments. I miss writing but lately I just haven't felt up to it. Life is floating by lately and I just haven't felt up to recording it. My camera has even been hiding out in my purse lately. Typically when we go places it's glued to my hand but even that has been too much.
I go between being completely content where I am right now and feeling ungrateful for where God has me. It's been trial and error but I'm learning. I know that's something I'll struggle with my entire life. It helps that lately I've been able to share a lot of how I'm feeling with one of my guy friends. I even told him last week at dinner that it helps to know he's normal and that his family is far from perfect. I sometimes struggle with the idea that no one could possibly understand what goes through my head and my heart and then God brings along the perfect person at the perfect time to show me that I'm wrong.
I don't know. I have so much I know I need to update on, such as school and Haiti and my family and my thoughts on my future and how I'm growing in the Lord but today, I just don't have the energy for it. I can't help but wonder if this rain is playing into it. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen sun. At this rate, it's going to be a long winter. *sigh*
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I can't believe it's time for the holiday season already! Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because I get to spend it with my extended family and because the day after Thanksgiving, Cincinnati does it's big tree lighting ceremony on Fountain Square, which really kicks off the holidays here. :-)
This year I am especially grateful for a God who loves me, despite my flaws and imperfections. I am also grateful for an amazing family and friends and a church family who pushes me to grow. I am very blessed and it shouldn't take a holiday for me to remember that.
I'm kicking off the holiday in our traditional fashion of watching the Macy's Parade! I don't EVER move away from the tv until Santa comes through at the end, something my mom makes fun of me for. I told her that it doesn't matter how old I get, that I'll never be too old for Santa and the Macy's Parade. After the parade we're headed to my aunt's for dinner and this year my best friend is joining us because she has to work tomorrow so she couldn't head home for the holiday this year. It'll be a nice treat to have her with us. :-)
Alright, off to watch the parade! Happy Thanksgiving all!
This year I am especially grateful for a God who loves me, despite my flaws and imperfections. I am also grateful for an amazing family and friends and a church family who pushes me to grow. I am very blessed and it shouldn't take a holiday for me to remember that.
I'm kicking off the holiday in our traditional fashion of watching the Macy's Parade! I don't EVER move away from the tv until Santa comes through at the end, something my mom makes fun of me for. I told her that it doesn't matter how old I get, that I'll never be too old for Santa and the Macy's Parade. After the parade we're headed to my aunt's for dinner and this year my best friend is joining us because she has to work tomorrow so she couldn't head home for the holiday this year. It'll be a nice treat to have her with us. :-)
Alright, off to watch the parade! Happy Thanksgiving all!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Exciting happenings
To say it's been a rough week emotionally would be an understatement. I have been a mess this week. I finally reached a point on Friday where I realized that most of my issue was coming from the fact that I KNOW that God is about to do something big in my life and I can feel Satan poking at me and trying to break down my level of faith. It felt like I was taking one blow after another this week until I decided last night that I wasn't going to do it anymore, that I was going to focus on the good and the promises that God has given me and not let Satan win.
Well, that lasted all of about 14 hours until I woke up this morning and got into it with my mom. My mom and I are very close and it's few and far between that we get into an argument but it came to blows today (for reasons I don't want to talk about) and I left the house for church in tears. I got to church and my sister had seen my facebook status and called me and I ended up standing outside of church for about 10 minutes just in tears. I have never been so grateful for one of my guy friends as I was for Evan this morning. He was walking into church as I was outside on the phone and when he saw me crying, he immediately came over and put his arms around me and just held me as I cried.
After church I went to lunch with my group of guy friends who managed to distract me by making me laugh and just being ridiculous, which was just what I needed. Evan and I are going to hang out later tonight since I'm off from my internship tomorrow and he's going to let me vent, something I seriously need to do. He's been praying for me since Thursday when I text him in meltdown mode and he's been worried about me ever since.
I hate these moments. I hate the moments when I know God is about to do something big and Satan attacks. It's when I become most vulnerable and I want to give in and let my feelings and emotions take over and win, something I know I can't do. If Satan is already attacking this early into the decisions I've made, then I can just sense what's going to happen the closer to summer we get. Argh!
So...the exciting happenings, since clearly none of my emotional meltdown is exciting. haha As I've mentioned several times in the past, I was praying about going to Haiti. I went to an informational meeting last week after service and really felt like God was calling me to go, even though at that point I was still fighting it. I've been fighting this call since Seth first announced he wanted to take the youth to Haiti this summer and asked us adults to also pray about going. I kept telling God "No way! There is NO WAY I'm going overseas, to another country, out of my comfort zone. Besides, I'm so picky, what am I going to eat in Haiti for 10 days?!" Oh yes...this was the argument I had with God. I was more worried about food then going and doing God's work. :-P
Well, this week, I've spent a lot of time praying about it and researching vaccines, passports, etc. and finally made the decision that I was going to listen to God's call and go. The final decision honestly came down to the timing of the vaccines. For the hepatitis series, you have to have six months between the first and last shots, something I was unsure I could do because I won't be able to afford any of these until January. Well, guess what? It just so happens that if I go the first or second week of January and get the first round of the shots, I'll be good to go to have them all in before the end of July when we would leave for Haiti.
Then, I went to Crossroads last night (that's a long story in itself....I haven't been there in about six weeks and only went because I was hanging out with Adge and Dan) and they did a sermon on serving and having a servant's heart. They showed these videos of people who have been called to just give of themselves because they have so much already and I teared up. I could feel God telling me, "Heather, you already have so much. Why won't you put my people over your selfish insecurities?" Wow. Then, today, I was in service at my own church and we had missionaries from Paraguay visiting who spoke on the mission work they're doing and the woman said something that just stuck with me. She told us that even in the midst of our weakness and uncertainty, God uses us. She said that we shouldn't let our fears and weaknesses hold us back because God is going to use those for good.
Between those two messages and then the incredible worship at both churches filled with songs like "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath and "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin, I knew God was confirming that He wants me in Haiti for 10 days this summer. Yes, I am still terrified and yes I am still uncertain, but I know God is going to use those feelings for good and I'm trusting that He's leading me right where He wants me.
Then, on top of that, Megan and I are planning a girl's overnight in early February sometime. We have some concerns over where our girls' hearts are and so we're doing a night revolved around the idea of purity and our identity as girls in Christ. Megan's working on the main message and I'm creating a devotional that's going to be wrapped around music, an idea I came up with after driving to work on Friday morning and listening to the song "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz on repeat. I love to write and I could feel God calling me to use several songs and creating devotionals to go along with them that the girls could take home after our all nighter, that they could pray through and study from. I'm also going to give them cds with the songs on them so they can listen to them when they need reminders of God's promises.
God is doing so much good in my life right now and using me to reach out to others that I hate that I've been going through so much emotional turmoil this week. I know that this is because I'm letting myself become vulnerable and open to the idea of surrendering myself and doing God's work. He has me right where He wants me and Satan is trying to bring me down. I refuse to let it happen. I'm thankful for the friends that have been there, reminding me of God's promises and allowing me to cry and express myself and reminding me that I'm going to be okay.
Even in the midst of some of the pain this week, I feel joyful because I have finally allowed God to take over and take me where He wants me. I never would have expected that I'd be going to Haiti this summer or writing a devotional for teen girls but that's exactly what God has me doing. I'm so excited for once to actually branch out of my comfort zone and get out of my bubble. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is God's plan and not mine and to NOT run from it when things start to get tough. I'm ready. Bring on the next eight months!
Well, that lasted all of about 14 hours until I woke up this morning and got into it with my mom. My mom and I are very close and it's few and far between that we get into an argument but it came to blows today (for reasons I don't want to talk about) and I left the house for church in tears. I got to church and my sister had seen my facebook status and called me and I ended up standing outside of church for about 10 minutes just in tears. I have never been so grateful for one of my guy friends as I was for Evan this morning. He was walking into church as I was outside on the phone and when he saw me crying, he immediately came over and put his arms around me and just held me as I cried.
After church I went to lunch with my group of guy friends who managed to distract me by making me laugh and just being ridiculous, which was just what I needed. Evan and I are going to hang out later tonight since I'm off from my internship tomorrow and he's going to let me vent, something I seriously need to do. He's been praying for me since Thursday when I text him in meltdown mode and he's been worried about me ever since.
I hate these moments. I hate the moments when I know God is about to do something big and Satan attacks. It's when I become most vulnerable and I want to give in and let my feelings and emotions take over and win, something I know I can't do. If Satan is already attacking this early into the decisions I've made, then I can just sense what's going to happen the closer to summer we get. Argh!
So...the exciting happenings, since clearly none of my emotional meltdown is exciting. haha As I've mentioned several times in the past, I was praying about going to Haiti. I went to an informational meeting last week after service and really felt like God was calling me to go, even though at that point I was still fighting it. I've been fighting this call since Seth first announced he wanted to take the youth to Haiti this summer and asked us adults to also pray about going. I kept telling God "No way! There is NO WAY I'm going overseas, to another country, out of my comfort zone. Besides, I'm so picky, what am I going to eat in Haiti for 10 days?!" Oh yes...this was the argument I had with God. I was more worried about food then going and doing God's work. :-P
Well, this week, I've spent a lot of time praying about it and researching vaccines, passports, etc. and finally made the decision that I was going to listen to God's call and go. The final decision honestly came down to the timing of the vaccines. For the hepatitis series, you have to have six months between the first and last shots, something I was unsure I could do because I won't be able to afford any of these until January. Well, guess what? It just so happens that if I go the first or second week of January and get the first round of the shots, I'll be good to go to have them all in before the end of July when we would leave for Haiti.
Then, I went to Crossroads last night (that's a long story in itself....I haven't been there in about six weeks and only went because I was hanging out with Adge and Dan) and they did a sermon on serving and having a servant's heart. They showed these videos of people who have been called to just give of themselves because they have so much already and I teared up. I could feel God telling me, "Heather, you already have so much. Why won't you put my people over your selfish insecurities?" Wow. Then, today, I was in service at my own church and we had missionaries from Paraguay visiting who spoke on the mission work they're doing and the woman said something that just stuck with me. She told us that even in the midst of our weakness and uncertainty, God uses us. She said that we shouldn't let our fears and weaknesses hold us back because God is going to use those for good.
Between those two messages and then the incredible worship at both churches filled with songs like "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath and "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin, I knew God was confirming that He wants me in Haiti for 10 days this summer. Yes, I am still terrified and yes I am still uncertain, but I know God is going to use those feelings for good and I'm trusting that He's leading me right where He wants me.
Then, on top of that, Megan and I are planning a girl's overnight in early February sometime. We have some concerns over where our girls' hearts are and so we're doing a night revolved around the idea of purity and our identity as girls in Christ. Megan's working on the main message and I'm creating a devotional that's going to be wrapped around music, an idea I came up with after driving to work on Friday morning and listening to the song "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz on repeat. I love to write and I could feel God calling me to use several songs and creating devotionals to go along with them that the girls could take home after our all nighter, that they could pray through and study from. I'm also going to give them cds with the songs on them so they can listen to them when they need reminders of God's promises.
God is doing so much good in my life right now and using me to reach out to others that I hate that I've been going through so much emotional turmoil this week. I know that this is because I'm letting myself become vulnerable and open to the idea of surrendering myself and doing God's work. He has me right where He wants me and Satan is trying to bring me down. I refuse to let it happen. I'm thankful for the friends that have been there, reminding me of God's promises and allowing me to cry and express myself and reminding me that I'm going to be okay.
Even in the midst of some of the pain this week, I feel joyful because I have finally allowed God to take over and take me where He wants me. I never would have expected that I'd be going to Haiti this summer or writing a devotional for teen girls but that's exactly what God has me doing. I'm so excited for once to actually branch out of my comfort zone and get out of my bubble. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is God's plan and not mine and to NOT run from it when things start to get tough. I'm ready. Bring on the next eight months!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Happily content
If you had asked me a couple of months ago if I would be in this spot right now, content even though so much of my future is uncertain, I probably would have laughed at you. But that's exactly where I am. So much of the future is uncertain, especially with the job market being the way that it is, but I am trusting that God has a plan and knows exactly what He is doing.
I guess I should start with an update about my sister. She finally had her baby at exactly 11:00 p.m. on the dot on Friday night, October 21st. Daniel weighed in at five pounds, fifteen ounces, and twenty inches long. She ended up having to have a c-section after 26 very long and hard hours of labor. She stalled out at 4 cm dilated and about 80 percent effaced and just didn't go anywhere for hours. It took a shift change at seven on Friday night for the next OB on call to tell my sister that she was giving her two more hours to fully dilate and then she was doing a c-section, which is what ended up happening. It turns out Daniel's head was crooked which is why my sister stalled out at 4 cm. Daniel just couldn't drop any further with his head being crooked. That also explains the low blood flow to the umbillical cord.
Thankfully, both mommy and baby are doing well and got to go home on Monday. Now my sister is trying to adjust to being a mommy to four (three of her own and a stepdaughter) and trying to recover from her c-section. Daniel is doing well and is completely adorable. I'll share pictures soon or you can go over to my facebook to see them. If we're not friends on facebook, let me know and we can change that!
So what's going on with me since it's been awhile since I've done a real update? Well, I'm busy with school and work and interning. My internship in the school counseling office at the junior high is going SO well. My advisor is coming in this Wednesday to talk to my site supervisor and to observe me, something I'm both excited and nervous for. I think things are going well and I've been picking up more responsibility but I still feel like at times that I sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for Nicole to give me something to do. I know it's hard on her too, though, because we share an office and I don't have a computer or a phone so it makes it hard for her to give me stuff to do when mornings are usually spent for her returning emails and phone calls.
Overall, though, my internship is going well. I've been meeting one on one a lot lately with students and getting to interact with teachers and parents. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not doing conflict resolution and dealing with meltdowns from the students. Nicole and I laugh together a lot, something that I'm learning in this job is necessary because it gets some of our stress and frustration out. Plus, you can't just NOT laugh at some of the things the kids tell you or the principals. I leave the junior high on the days I'm there feeling so fulfilled and I know this is exactly what I'm meant to do.
My relationships, both friends and romantic interests, have been bumpy lately. Many of us are under stress and dealing with life changes and it's becoming hard to keep ourselves in orbit with each other. I had a meltdown on Seth (our youth leader) the other night and he gave me some very valuable advice. Now, how to act on it is another story. I think starting with lunch tomorrow is the right step. I'm praying that God will give me the right words to say and to allow my heart to be open and vulnerable.
My dating life has cooled significantly. And by significantly I mean it is non-existent right now, which I'm surprisingly okay with. I think with so much going on in my life right now that I think dating would be difficult because I just don't have the time to commit to it. I do miss him, but I think honestly I just miss our friendship, which also feels as if it has cooled down a lot lately. I know God has a plan though and I am trusting that it is greater than what I can see.
I have been spending a lot more time with my guy friends again, something I missed while I was in a relationship. They jokingly asked me one Sunday at lunch if I had joined the land of the living again. haha I know there are people who think when you're in a relationship that friendships of the opposite sex have to cool but after a lot of thought I don't agree with that at all. I tend to be friends with guys over girls and my guy friends bring so much joy and laughter to my life. For whatever reason, it's easier to be myself with them and to not have to worry what their intentions are. I don't know. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I decided that whoever I end up with in the future is going to have to be okay with these friendships because they're not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm trying to figure out my financial life, which is something big in my life lately. Denise, my running partner, bought me this book called The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke by Suze Orman for my birthday to read, along with The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey that I bought a couple of months back. I would love to try and pay off a lot of my credit card debt before I graduate in June but it seems like everytime I have some kind of stable hold to put more money towards my cards, something else comes up, like my work bouncing my paycheck...again. This time, it wasn't their fault, but it still has made me behind this month.
My goal is to get myself on a budget and to start following it. That means telling people no, not eating out as often as I have been this quarter, and no impulse spending! My major goal other than paying off my credit cards is to start tithing at church again. I haven't tithed in months, something that makes me sad. I feel like if I can learn to start being faithful and trusting when I give that money, then things will eventually balance out. But since I have such a hard time trusting, it makes it hard for me to want to tithe. How do all of you do it? I know some of you also follow a budget and sometimes pinch corners a lot. How do you make tithing your priority when you have living expenses you need to pay for?
The only other big news in my life is that I'm still praying about going to Haiti. We have an informational meeting tomorrow after service that I'm going to go to. I still can't decide if I'm feeling called or not, nor do I know if I can afford the vaccinations because my student health insurance doesn't cover them. I need to make a decision, and soon, because I'm going to have to start the vaccination process, the passport process, and writing support letters.
Oh...and I'm going to the Bahamas for spring break! Adge and I decided since it's my last spring break as a student and she's never been on a spring break that we're throwing caution to the wind and going on a cruise. I know this goes against my whole money plan but we're on a payment plan for the trip and it's actually not too expensive. We've put a deposit down and booked our flights so now we're working on paying off the trip. In fact, I may run out to AAA this week to make a payment towards it. I don't know why I didn't think about that before. I was just going to pay the rest of it in January but I should go in every two weeks when I get paid and make a payment. Hmm...
Anyway, I think that about does it. I need to go take a shower and do some homework. I slept until 1:30 today, something my body needed because I was still recovering from spending all last week at the hospital with my mom for her surgery and my sister for her labor and delivery. Now I need to play catch up on school work. :-P
Hope you all are doing well! I've missed all of you! I've been reading but not commenting so if you see me creeping, that's why. I plan to try and get back here more often. :-)
I guess I should start with an update about my sister. She finally had her baby at exactly 11:00 p.m. on the dot on Friday night, October 21st. Daniel weighed in at five pounds, fifteen ounces, and twenty inches long. She ended up having to have a c-section after 26 very long and hard hours of labor. She stalled out at 4 cm dilated and about 80 percent effaced and just didn't go anywhere for hours. It took a shift change at seven on Friday night for the next OB on call to tell my sister that she was giving her two more hours to fully dilate and then she was doing a c-section, which is what ended up happening. It turns out Daniel's head was crooked which is why my sister stalled out at 4 cm. Daniel just couldn't drop any further with his head being crooked. That also explains the low blood flow to the umbillical cord.
Thankfully, both mommy and baby are doing well and got to go home on Monday. Now my sister is trying to adjust to being a mommy to four (three of her own and a stepdaughter) and trying to recover from her c-section. Daniel is doing well and is completely adorable. I'll share pictures soon or you can go over to my facebook to see them. If we're not friends on facebook, let me know and we can change that!
So what's going on with me since it's been awhile since I've done a real update? Well, I'm busy with school and work and interning. My internship in the school counseling office at the junior high is going SO well. My advisor is coming in this Wednesday to talk to my site supervisor and to observe me, something I'm both excited and nervous for. I think things are going well and I've been picking up more responsibility but I still feel like at times that I sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for Nicole to give me something to do. I know it's hard on her too, though, because we share an office and I don't have a computer or a phone so it makes it hard for her to give me stuff to do when mornings are usually spent for her returning emails and phone calls.
Overall, though, my internship is going well. I've been meeting one on one a lot lately with students and getting to interact with teachers and parents. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not doing conflict resolution and dealing with meltdowns from the students. Nicole and I laugh together a lot, something that I'm learning in this job is necessary because it gets some of our stress and frustration out. Plus, you can't just NOT laugh at some of the things the kids tell you or the principals. I leave the junior high on the days I'm there feeling so fulfilled and I know this is exactly what I'm meant to do.
My relationships, both friends and romantic interests, have been bumpy lately. Many of us are under stress and dealing with life changes and it's becoming hard to keep ourselves in orbit with each other. I had a meltdown on Seth (our youth leader) the other night and he gave me some very valuable advice. Now, how to act on it is another story. I think starting with lunch tomorrow is the right step. I'm praying that God will give me the right words to say and to allow my heart to be open and vulnerable.
My dating life has cooled significantly. And by significantly I mean it is non-existent right now, which I'm surprisingly okay with. I think with so much going on in my life right now that I think dating would be difficult because I just don't have the time to commit to it. I do miss him, but I think honestly I just miss our friendship, which also feels as if it has cooled down a lot lately. I know God has a plan though and I am trusting that it is greater than what I can see.
I have been spending a lot more time with my guy friends again, something I missed while I was in a relationship. They jokingly asked me one Sunday at lunch if I had joined the land of the living again. haha I know there are people who think when you're in a relationship that friendships of the opposite sex have to cool but after a lot of thought I don't agree with that at all. I tend to be friends with guys over girls and my guy friends bring so much joy and laughter to my life. For whatever reason, it's easier to be myself with them and to not have to worry what their intentions are. I don't know. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I decided that whoever I end up with in the future is going to have to be okay with these friendships because they're not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm trying to figure out my financial life, which is something big in my life lately. Denise, my running partner, bought me this book called The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke by Suze Orman for my birthday to read, along with The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey that I bought a couple of months back. I would love to try and pay off a lot of my credit card debt before I graduate in June but it seems like everytime I have some kind of stable hold to put more money towards my cards, something else comes up, like my work bouncing my paycheck...again. This time, it wasn't their fault, but it still has made me behind this month.
My goal is to get myself on a budget and to start following it. That means telling people no, not eating out as often as I have been this quarter, and no impulse spending! My major goal other than paying off my credit cards is to start tithing at church again. I haven't tithed in months, something that makes me sad. I feel like if I can learn to start being faithful and trusting when I give that money, then things will eventually balance out. But since I have such a hard time trusting, it makes it hard for me to want to tithe. How do all of you do it? I know some of you also follow a budget and sometimes pinch corners a lot. How do you make tithing your priority when you have living expenses you need to pay for?
The only other big news in my life is that I'm still praying about going to Haiti. We have an informational meeting tomorrow after service that I'm going to go to. I still can't decide if I'm feeling called or not, nor do I know if I can afford the vaccinations because my student health insurance doesn't cover them. I need to make a decision, and soon, because I'm going to have to start the vaccination process, the passport process, and writing support letters.
Oh...and I'm going to the Bahamas for spring break! Adge and I decided since it's my last spring break as a student and she's never been on a spring break that we're throwing caution to the wind and going on a cruise. I know this goes against my whole money plan but we're on a payment plan for the trip and it's actually not too expensive. We've put a deposit down and booked our flights so now we're working on paying off the trip. In fact, I may run out to AAA this week to make a payment towards it. I don't know why I didn't think about that before. I was just going to pay the rest of it in January but I should go in every two weeks when I get paid and make a payment. Hmm...
Anyway, I think that about does it. I need to go take a shower and do some homework. I slept until 1:30 today, something my body needed because I was still recovering from spending all last week at the hospital with my mom for her surgery and my sister for her labor and delivery. Now I need to play catch up on school work. :-P
Hope you all are doing well! I've missed all of you! I've been reading but not commenting so if you see me creeping, that's why. I plan to try and get back here more often. :-)
Friday, October 21, 2011
Almost baby time!
So much has happened since my last update. It's currently 2:46 a.m. and I'm sitting in a labor and delivery room with my sister and my mom. My sister is being induced because the baby was measuring small and after an ultrasound today (yesterday??), the doctors saw that there was low amniotic fluid and low blood flow to the umbillical cord.
They decided to be safe to induce her so we've been here at the hospital since 8. They started her on cervadil around 10ish to start getting her cervix to soften because she wasn't dilated at all. At last check she's till only a quarter of a centimeter dilated. I've been up for about 21 hours now, so I think it's safe to say I'm not going to work in five hours. In fact, I don't intend to leave this hospital until we have a baby!
Doctors are hoping to not have to give her petocin until about 10 a.m. but right now we don't think she's dilating at all. She's having moderate to intense contractions, mainly in her back, but not enough to do anything right now. We're trying to convince her to take some pain meds to relax so she can sleep but she refuses until the epidural later on down the line. She also tested positive for Group B Strep so the doctor's are giving her penicillin via IV so it's not transmitted to the baby during delivery.
That's it on the baby front. We're all kind of hanging in there. I told my sister of course she couldn't go into labor a day early so the baby and I could share the same birthday. :-P However, we're kind of concerned because she's three weeks early so none of us were really expecting this. Hopefully everything goes smooth when it comes time to deliver.
I feel the worst for my mom who just had surgery two days ago. She had a hysterectomy done but had it done vaginally so she's not really sore, just uncomfortable. She's slow going because she's uncomfortable but she refuses to leave because she wants to be here with my sister. I refuse to leave even though I'm exhausted because I missed this with Logan and Savannah so I refuse to miss it with Daniel. I'm trying to be as comfortable as possible. I'm sitting in a rocking chair with my feet propped on a stool. So far-no sleep. :-P
Okay, we just turned the lights out in the room so I think we're all going to try and get some rest. Send some positive baby vibes our way, along with prayers. I know my sister would really appreciate them.
They decided to be safe to induce her so we've been here at the hospital since 8. They started her on cervadil around 10ish to start getting her cervix to soften because she wasn't dilated at all. At last check she's till only a quarter of a centimeter dilated. I've been up for about 21 hours now, so I think it's safe to say I'm not going to work in five hours. In fact, I don't intend to leave this hospital until we have a baby!
Doctors are hoping to not have to give her petocin until about 10 a.m. but right now we don't think she's dilating at all. She's having moderate to intense contractions, mainly in her back, but not enough to do anything right now. We're trying to convince her to take some pain meds to relax so she can sleep but she refuses until the epidural later on down the line. She also tested positive for Group B Strep so the doctor's are giving her penicillin via IV so it's not transmitted to the baby during delivery.
That's it on the baby front. We're all kind of hanging in there. I told my sister of course she couldn't go into labor a day early so the baby and I could share the same birthday. :-P However, we're kind of concerned because she's three weeks early so none of us were really expecting this. Hopefully everything goes smooth when it comes time to deliver.
I feel the worst for my mom who just had surgery two days ago. She had a hysterectomy done but had it done vaginally so she's not really sore, just uncomfortable. She's slow going because she's uncomfortable but she refuses to leave because she wants to be here with my sister. I refuse to leave even though I'm exhausted because I missed this with Logan and Savannah so I refuse to miss it with Daniel. I'm trying to be as comfortable as possible. I'm sitting in a rocking chair with my feet propped on a stool. So far-no sleep. :-P
Okay, we just turned the lights out in the room so I think we're all going to try and get some rest. Send some positive baby vibes our way, along with prayers. I know my sister would really appreciate them.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Time for a change
I still have soooo much to update on and I'm hoping this weekend will give me the chance to do so. For now, I'm writing an entry pretty much for myself and hopefully a little accountability.
Since summer, pretty much since I went to Denver and ate out like every night I was there for two weeks, my good eating and working out habits have gone down the drain. As soon as I got home from Denver, classes started and it was go go go from the beginning of July until now. I'd noticed that my pants were getting snug but attributed it to being bloated at one point. Well...it's not. I got on the scale Monday night at the gym and I've put on 15 pounds since the end of June. This is ridiculous.
I worked so hard to get myself to the point that I was at earlier this summer that I'm disgusted that I let myself put 15 pounds back on. I think the bad eating and lack of exercise has also been leading to my exhaustion, migraines, and overall gross feelings. I feel like I'm losing my sanity too because the gym is my happy place and I've been so tired lately I just can't make myself go.
Well, I'm turning a new leaf this week. I went to the gym Monday night and pushed myself harder than I've pushed myself since earlier in the summer and I felt amazing when I was done. I went grocery shopping last night and bought stuff to make lunches for work, to cook dinner at home, and some healthier snack choices for the evenings. I'm also trying to curb my pop/caffeine addiction and have only lately been allowing myself one in the mornings on my way to work/internship and on an extremely rough day, one halfway through the day. I had half a glass at dinner tonight but only because I could feel my head starting to hurt and wanted to curb it so I didn't have to drive home with a migraine and headlights irritating me.
My time at the gym is my happy time. It's the one time of the day I can let go of everything and just relax and destress. I was working out on Monday and Wednesday evenings at 9 with my running partner but lately, I've just been so exhausted from interning and then going to class that waiting until 9 to workout is causing me to lose motivation. I told my mom that for now, I'm going to have to let go of that scheduled time and just go on my way home around 7ish so I can be in bed by 10. I can't function anymore on six or less hours of sleep.
I know Denise will understand because she's done the grad school route but I'm going to miss her. She's been my reason for working out for two years now and it's such good motivation to know she's waiting for me. I know she can't do earlier times because she's married with kids but for now, this is what I need to do for me. I need to be able to workout and late nights just aren't cutting it for me right now.
Okay...speaking of late nights...I need sleep. I'm not even sure how much of this made sense. My mind is in a million places right now. Or...just one...Denver. More to come on that later. Suffice it to say, every time I'm in the car, I keep thinking of that drive west and how much my heart wants to be in Denver. It doesn't help that Mike has taught me the beauty of Skype and so now our Sunday night date nights are most likely going to be Skype dates. It was so nice to be able to see each other while we talked Sunday. It made the distance seem not so far away.
*sigh* I really, really miss Denver. And I really, really need sleep.
Since summer, pretty much since I went to Denver and ate out like every night I was there for two weeks, my good eating and working out habits have gone down the drain. As soon as I got home from Denver, classes started and it was go go go from the beginning of July until now. I'd noticed that my pants were getting snug but attributed it to being bloated at one point. Well...it's not. I got on the scale Monday night at the gym and I've put on 15 pounds since the end of June. This is ridiculous.
I worked so hard to get myself to the point that I was at earlier this summer that I'm disgusted that I let myself put 15 pounds back on. I think the bad eating and lack of exercise has also been leading to my exhaustion, migraines, and overall gross feelings. I feel like I'm losing my sanity too because the gym is my happy place and I've been so tired lately I just can't make myself go.
Well, I'm turning a new leaf this week. I went to the gym Monday night and pushed myself harder than I've pushed myself since earlier in the summer and I felt amazing when I was done. I went grocery shopping last night and bought stuff to make lunches for work, to cook dinner at home, and some healthier snack choices for the evenings. I'm also trying to curb my pop/caffeine addiction and have only lately been allowing myself one in the mornings on my way to work/internship and on an extremely rough day, one halfway through the day. I had half a glass at dinner tonight but only because I could feel my head starting to hurt and wanted to curb it so I didn't have to drive home with a migraine and headlights irritating me.
My time at the gym is my happy time. It's the one time of the day I can let go of everything and just relax and destress. I was working out on Monday and Wednesday evenings at 9 with my running partner but lately, I've just been so exhausted from interning and then going to class that waiting until 9 to workout is causing me to lose motivation. I told my mom that for now, I'm going to have to let go of that scheduled time and just go on my way home around 7ish so I can be in bed by 10. I can't function anymore on six or less hours of sleep.
I know Denise will understand because she's done the grad school route but I'm going to miss her. She's been my reason for working out for two years now and it's such good motivation to know she's waiting for me. I know she can't do earlier times because she's married with kids but for now, this is what I need to do for me. I need to be able to workout and late nights just aren't cutting it for me right now.
Okay...speaking of late nights...I need sleep. I'm not even sure how much of this made sense. My mind is in a million places right now. Or...just one...Denver. More to come on that later. Suffice it to say, every time I'm in the car, I keep thinking of that drive west and how much my heart wants to be in Denver. It doesn't help that Mike has taught me the beauty of Skype and so now our Sunday night date nights are most likely going to be Skype dates. It was so nice to be able to see each other while we talked Sunday. It made the distance seem not so far away.
*sigh* I really, really miss Denver. And I really, really need sleep.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Too much
I swear I'm alive. I have a huge outline in a word document of all the things I want/need to update about but right now, my life is consumed by school, work, and interning. I'm scaling back in other areas (including my church involvement) until this quarter is over because I just have too much on my plate right now.
Right now, I'm staring at my internship learning plan that I feel like should be a piece of cake but instead is making me draw a blank.
Ahhhhhh....eight more weeks to go until the quarter is over. Oh...and I decided against retaking my big comprehensive exam this month. I just haven't had time to study and if I were to take it in a couple of weeks, I'd fail again. Instead, I'm going to take it in February because I'll have all of winter break to study and a little less responsibility class wise in the winter so I'll be able to devote my attention to studying.
Ok, the kiddos I'm baby-sitting are asleep so I really should get back to this assignment. How many more months until graduation? :-/
Right now, I'm staring at my internship learning plan that I feel like should be a piece of cake but instead is making me draw a blank.
Ahhhhhh....eight more weeks to go until the quarter is over. Oh...and I decided against retaking my big comprehensive exam this month. I just haven't had time to study and if I were to take it in a couple of weeks, I'd fail again. Instead, I'm going to take it in February because I'll have all of winter break to study and a little less responsibility class wise in the winter so I'll be able to devote my attention to studying.
Ok, the kiddos I'm baby-sitting are asleep so I really should get back to this assignment. How many more months until graduation? :-/
Sunday, September 25, 2011
No motivation
I don't know what my deal is lately but I have no motivation for anything: no motivation for running, work, interning, nothing. This is bad because we're going into week two of the quarter and I already don't want to do school work. I'm taking the comps in five weeks and I have no motivation to study, even though I HAVE to pass this time around.
I feel like all I've wanted to do lately is sleep. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been pulling anywhere from 10-12 hour days the three days a week I've been working. I know this was what I originally wanted but it's draining me. By the end of those days, I have no energy for anything. The two days a week I intern, I go straight to class after which is also exhausting. I know this is all going to be worth it and in nine months when I hold that degree in my hand I'll be glad I did it but man, right now it's just too much. I secretly sometimes wish I could quit my job and just focus on school but we all know that's not happening anytime soon.
I've had a lot on my mind about a lot of things and I can sense that God's about to open and close some doors in my life. I can't figure out exactly which doors are about to open and close but I know it's about to happen. We've been doing a new series at Crossroads on friendship and the last couple of weeks have been convicting me in a lot of ways. I think that's why I feel so out of sorts lately. I know God is about to do something big. I just don't know what it is.
I miss running but I don't even have the motivation for that. Today was the Race for the Cure, which was supposed to be my second race of the season and that clearly did not happen. I need to get myself back on track. I've put on a good ten pounds lately and I need to get back to the gym not only to run, but to be healthy. I need to start making some better eating choices, drinking more water, and working out again. I think that's part of why I feel so out of sorts. I feel a lot better about myself after I've been to the gym and had a good workout.
Denver has been on my mind a lot today. I feel like I've fallen out of touch with Mike, who I consider one of my best friends. I can't remember the last time we had a long conversation. We talked two weeks ago but it felt awkward. I don't know. I was looking through pictures tonight and they make me miss Denver a lot. I miss my friends and the beauty of the area and the part of me I leave behind every time I come home. I'm still tossing around the idea of flying out to take the boards. It's just a matter of trying to figure out when and how to make it happen.
Honestly, I know what's holding me back and I wish I could figure out where that particular situation stands. But, I know I need to take it slow and day by day. Baby steps. After tonight at Crossroads, I know that where things are right now are exactly where they're supposed to be, but a bigger part of me wants to rush things, even though I know that's not good either.
I'm just so...overwhelmed and confused and torn right now. I just can't make sense of anything. I don't even know where I'm going writing this. I think I just needed to clear my head. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Or...I don't know. One day at a time...
I feel like all I've wanted to do lately is sleep. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been pulling anywhere from 10-12 hour days the three days a week I've been working. I know this was what I originally wanted but it's draining me. By the end of those days, I have no energy for anything. The two days a week I intern, I go straight to class after which is also exhausting. I know this is all going to be worth it and in nine months when I hold that degree in my hand I'll be glad I did it but man, right now it's just too much. I secretly sometimes wish I could quit my job and just focus on school but we all know that's not happening anytime soon.
I've had a lot on my mind about a lot of things and I can sense that God's about to open and close some doors in my life. I can't figure out exactly which doors are about to open and close but I know it's about to happen. We've been doing a new series at Crossroads on friendship and the last couple of weeks have been convicting me in a lot of ways. I think that's why I feel so out of sorts lately. I know God is about to do something big. I just don't know what it is.
I miss running but I don't even have the motivation for that. Today was the Race for the Cure, which was supposed to be my second race of the season and that clearly did not happen. I need to get myself back on track. I've put on a good ten pounds lately and I need to get back to the gym not only to run, but to be healthy. I need to start making some better eating choices, drinking more water, and working out again. I think that's part of why I feel so out of sorts. I feel a lot better about myself after I've been to the gym and had a good workout.
Denver has been on my mind a lot today. I feel like I've fallen out of touch with Mike, who I consider one of my best friends. I can't remember the last time we had a long conversation. We talked two weeks ago but it felt awkward. I don't know. I was looking through pictures tonight and they make me miss Denver a lot. I miss my friends and the beauty of the area and the part of me I leave behind every time I come home. I'm still tossing around the idea of flying out to take the boards. It's just a matter of trying to figure out when and how to make it happen.
Honestly, I know what's holding me back and I wish I could figure out where that particular situation stands. But, I know I need to take it slow and day by day. Baby steps. After tonight at Crossroads, I know that where things are right now are exactly where they're supposed to be, but a bigger part of me wants to rush things, even though I know that's not good either.
I'm just so...overwhelmed and confused and torn right now. I just can't make sense of anything. I don't even know where I'm going writing this. I think I just needed to clear my head. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Or...I don't know. One day at a time...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Why I love my job...
I know I have a ton to update on but tonight I leave you four year old humor because my kids at work are hilarious! And just as an understanding... X is one of our four year old students and I know for a fact his dad doesn't live in Mexico because his dad is our maintenance man at work. When I told him this story, he just shook his head and laughed. It was definitely the highlight of my day!
X pointing to Mexico: My daddy lives here!
Me: X, your daddy does not live in Mexico. He lives here.
X: That's okay. We're going to move here! *points to South Dakota*
Me: X, you know it snows a lot in South Dakota right?
X: We like snow! Oh and you know what Miss Heather?
Me: What?
X: You can't go to Las Vegas.
Me: Why not? (We had never talked about Vegas so this came out of nowhere!)
X: Because the monster in Las Vegas will eat you!
When I told our maintenance man this story about his son, he asked me if I had pointed to Vegas on a map and I said no. Then he asked me if I was planning a trip to Vegas and I said "Well, now I'm not because there's apparently a monster that's going to eat me!"
I love my job. :-)
X pointing to Mexico: My daddy lives here!
Me: X, your daddy does not live in Mexico. He lives here.
X: That's okay. We're going to move here! *points to South Dakota*
Me: X, you know it snows a lot in South Dakota right?
X: We like snow! Oh and you know what Miss Heather?
Me: What?
X: You can't go to Las Vegas.
Me: Why not? (We had never talked about Vegas so this came out of nowhere!)
X: Because the monster in Las Vegas will eat you!
When I told our maintenance man this story about his son, he asked me if I had pointed to Vegas on a map and I said no. Then he asked me if I was planning a trip to Vegas and I said "Well, now I'm not because there's apparently a monster that's going to eat me!"
I love my job. :-)
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Interesting twist...
I can't believe it's been ten years since the attacks on our nation. I still clearly remember that day. I was a junior in high school, sitting in my third period Economics class when another student ran into the room and yelled at the teacher to turn on the television. We watched in horror as the second plane hit the second tower and then in devastation and disbelief as both towers collapsed. For the rest of the day, every class had us watching history unfold and I remember going home that night and being glued to the television.
Today, ten years later, I got to be part of an incredible and surreal moment at lunch as all of Bdubs went silent right before the Bengals game as they spread out an American flag over the entire field. When they started singing the national anthem on television, people in Bdubs started singing along, myself included. It gave me goosebumps just to be part of such an incredible experience. We'll never see a moment like that again where an entire restaurant goes silent and begins to sing the national anthem together. Wow.
In an interesting and perhaps God-driven turn of events, my long weekend in Denver in November is not going to happen. For whatever reason, as I was driving to my aunt's today, I remembered why that date was ringing a bell in my head. It's fall retreat weekend, a weekend I committed to months ago with my youth kids. I'm not backing out. It's my favorite weekend of the entire year to be a youth sponsor.
And of course, none of the other dates are panning out either. Coincidence? I don't think so. God-driven? Absolutely. Why do I think so? Because today at church I got presented with an incredible opportunity to go overseas with my youth kids to Haiti next summer on a mission trip. It had been mentioned awhile back, but Seth hadn't narrowed anything down and was unsure of where we were going to go. Now he's decided we're going to Haiti and it's just a matter of pinning down the exact dates in either June or July.
I don't have to make a decision until about March but I'm going to start praying about it now because if I'm going, I need to get a passport, start raising money, figure out what shots are needed, etc. I think it's funny that this came up today because my mom and I were just discussing last night that with all the traveling I do, that I should get a passport. Again...coincidence? I think not!
So right now I'm praying like crazy and I'm asking that you all pray with me. I don't know yet if I'm feeling completely called to go but it would be such an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity. I don't have anything tying me down and since I'll most likely still be at the preschool through at least the end of next summer, I'll be able to get those two weeks off of work with no problems.
Check out the website of Northwest Haiti Christian Mission at: http://www.nwhcm.org/ for more information on what could be an incredible experience for me. I'm so excited to see what doors God is going to open up in the next year!
Today, ten years later, I got to be part of an incredible and surreal moment at lunch as all of Bdubs went silent right before the Bengals game as they spread out an American flag over the entire field. When they started singing the national anthem on television, people in Bdubs started singing along, myself included. It gave me goosebumps just to be part of such an incredible experience. We'll never see a moment like that again where an entire restaurant goes silent and begins to sing the national anthem together. Wow.
In an interesting and perhaps God-driven turn of events, my long weekend in Denver in November is not going to happen. For whatever reason, as I was driving to my aunt's today, I remembered why that date was ringing a bell in my head. It's fall retreat weekend, a weekend I committed to months ago with my youth kids. I'm not backing out. It's my favorite weekend of the entire year to be a youth sponsor.
And of course, none of the other dates are panning out either. Coincidence? I don't think so. God-driven? Absolutely. Why do I think so? Because today at church I got presented with an incredible opportunity to go overseas with my youth kids to Haiti next summer on a mission trip. It had been mentioned awhile back, but Seth hadn't narrowed anything down and was unsure of where we were going to go. Now he's decided we're going to Haiti and it's just a matter of pinning down the exact dates in either June or July.
I don't have to make a decision until about March but I'm going to start praying about it now because if I'm going, I need to get a passport, start raising money, figure out what shots are needed, etc. I think it's funny that this came up today because my mom and I were just discussing last night that with all the traveling I do, that I should get a passport. Again...coincidence? I think not!
So right now I'm praying like crazy and I'm asking that you all pray with me. I don't know yet if I'm feeling completely called to go but it would be such an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity. I don't have anything tying me down and since I'll most likely still be at the preschool through at least the end of next summer, I'll be able to get those two weeks off of work with no problems.
Check out the website of Northwest Haiti Christian Mission at: http://www.nwhcm.org/ for more information on what could be an incredible experience for me. I'm so excited to see what doors God is going to open up in the next year!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
To go or not to go...
Long weekend in Denver to take the boards in November. To go or not to go? The question is...was the idea of moving to Denver ever really gone in the first place or is this my flight instinct kicking in because of the past few days?
I've been sitting here crunching numbers since I've had nothing better to do because I was home from my internship today with an awful migraine this morning. I just...I don't know. We all know my connection to Denver. Now the question is: what are my reasons for wanting to do it?
I don't need to make an official decision until sometime in October when I have to register for the exam. It's a lot to think about but I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since two weeks ago when my relocation guide to Denver came that I sent for months ago while I was still in Denver.
*sigh* Sometimes, it really sucks to be an adult and have to make such big decisions.
I've been sitting here crunching numbers since I've had nothing better to do because I was home from my internship today with an awful migraine this morning. I just...I don't know. We all know my connection to Denver. Now the question is: what are my reasons for wanting to do it?
I don't need to make an official decision until sometime in October when I have to register for the exam. It's a lot to think about but I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since two weeks ago when my relocation guide to Denver came that I sent for months ago while I was still in Denver.
*sigh* Sometimes, it really sucks to be an adult and have to make such big decisions.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
The end
We broke up tonight. I'm a mess. All I've done is cry and yell since he dropped me off at 8:30. My heart hurts so much because I never saw this coming.
"What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do"
"What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do"
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Busy, busy, busy
Since tomorrow is September, I figured I'm about due for an update. I can't believe I've let most of August get away from me before I've had a chance to update. This will probably be long(ish) so ready yourself. Who knows how long it'll be before I update again. :-P
I made bullets to myself in a word document to remind myself of what I had to update on so here goes nothing.
--Surprise date at the Spaghetti Factory
Two nights before Dan and I made things official between us, he surprised me and took me on a date, without telling me where we were going. All I knew was that he was taking me out to celebrate being done with the comps and that based on what he told Megan, she said it had proved he really listened to what I had been telling him. The evening of the comps, we went to church as usual and then he drove me in circles to confuse me before we ended up at the Spaghetti Factory, which everyone knows is my favorite restaurant. We had an amazing dinner and amazing conversation before ending the evening by playing putt-putt. I had a feeling over dinner that we were on an official "date" but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Imagine my surprise when two nights later we were officially a couple. :-)
--Double date at the Keith Urban concert
Later that week, we went on our first double date with Megan and James to the Jake Owen and Keith Urban concert. It was AMAZING! I hadn't seen Keith Urban live since high school, right before he became a big name. We went to dinner at Dewey's and then walked across the river to the concert. It was the perfect first double date and I look forward to many, many more in our future. I'll spare you all the mushy details from that night. ;-)
--Meeting the parents
The following week, I met his parents for the first time. Let me tell you, I was a mess that day! We went to dinner at Pizza Tower, which was so yummy! As soon as we got there, his mom gave me a big hug and told me how much she'd heard about me and how much she had been looking forward to meeting me. By the end of dinner, I was fully relaxed. His parents are incredible and I can definitely see where he gets his good manners from. His parents raised an amazing son. :-)
--Date night at Chili's and running into former students/parents
The night after we had dinner with his parents, we went on a date night, just the two of us. Right before our food came to the table, one of my former students and his parents came in. I bolted from the table and tackled Katie, who was holding Dominic. Of course Katie and I are friends on facebook so she had seen my relationship status change and she cracked me up when she told me "Do you know how hard it is for me to not turn around and stare right now?!" I love her. Dinner was amazing and we had so much fun just talking and laughing. I had had such a bad day that day and had worked a double (unplanned) so I was exhausted and grateful that he put up with my cranky, tired self that night.
--Failing my comps
Yeah...you read that right. I failed my comprehensive exam to graduate from the counseling program. How badly? Oh by five points. Do you know how disappointing it is to come so close and miss by so slim of a margin?? I'm retaking it at the end of October and praying like crazy I pass this time around. If I don't, I have to petition to write a thesis and UC doesn't have to grant me that right. If I fail the comps and don't get to write a thesis, I can be kicked out of the program. Talk about stress....
--Double date at Newport
A couple of weeks ago, we went on a double date with Adge and Joe to Bar Louie down at Newport. Dinner was delicious and then we went for a romantic walk on the river. Of course, being the goofs we are, we ruined our own romantic moment by cracking up at a sign about sewage waste and then taking a goofy picture next to it. However, even with the silliniess, it was probably one of my favorite dates that we've been on. I'm so glad he gets along with my best friend and there was no better way to spend a Friday night than on the river. I loved it.
--5k and roller skating
On August 20th, I ran the Panther Prowl, which most of you probably remember as my very first 5k ever last summer. Let me tell you, it was INCREDIBLE! I hadn't really trained this summer and I thought for sure I was going to end up walking most of it. Well, I did walk some of it, but Denise kept pushing me harder and harder and before I knew it, I was crossing the finish line at 46 minutes! Not only had I cut six minutes off of last year's time, but I also set a personal record because it's the BEST 5k time I've ever had. What made it even more special was that Dan also ran it, though he ran ahead of me and finished in 30 minutes. It was his first 5k and I was soooo proud of him!
After the 5k, I went home and crashed for a couple of hours before getting up to take my youth girls roller skating. I thought for sure I would be the first one to fall, but surprisingly, I didn't fall at all. I had so much skating and hanging out with the girls and then hanging out by Caitlin's pool with the girls while eating pizza.
So what's been going on since the Saturday of the 5k? Not a whole lot. I've been spending a lot of time with Dan, which is always nice. I've come to care about him a lot and he can always make me smile on a night when I just don't feel like smiling. He is just absolutely amazing in every way. We had a rough patch this past weekend but we worked through it and now we're better than ever. Oh and he met my parents this past weekend as well. It went so well and now I'm looking forward to us moving forward and being able to focus on us, without the awkwardness of that early dating stage in front of us anymore.
I threw my sister a baby shower and well, I won't go into the drama that went down that night because it's a very complicated situation. After the shower, I went down to the river with Vince, who was in town visiting. We sat on the river for two and a half hours just talking and laughing and catching up. We fell apart this summer for various reasons so it was so nice to be able to just hang out, just the two of us and catch up. I'm already looking forward to my weekend in Athens at the end of September because I already miss him like crazy.
I started my internship this week and I'm already loving it. I can already tell that junior high is going to be my favorite age group to work with in the schools. I feel like I've learned more this week than I did in the ten weeks of my practicum at the elementary school. Being there feels so right and makes me excited about my future. It just confirms that school counseling is what I want to do with my future and I hate the idea of going back to work tomorrow to a job that stresses me out so much. I just keep telling myself that I only have a year left and that hopefully next year I will be in my own office, in a real school setting, doing what I love to do.
And there you have it. I think that's it for my massive updates for now. I was home sick yesterday and I still have a cough developing so I think I'm going to call it an early night and go to bed. Until next time...
I made bullets to myself in a word document to remind myself of what I had to update on so here goes nothing.
--Surprise date at the Spaghetti Factory
Two nights before Dan and I made things official between us, he surprised me and took me on a date, without telling me where we were going. All I knew was that he was taking me out to celebrate being done with the comps and that based on what he told Megan, she said it had proved he really listened to what I had been telling him. The evening of the comps, we went to church as usual and then he drove me in circles to confuse me before we ended up at the Spaghetti Factory, which everyone knows is my favorite restaurant. We had an amazing dinner and amazing conversation before ending the evening by playing putt-putt. I had a feeling over dinner that we were on an official "date" but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Imagine my surprise when two nights later we were officially a couple. :-)
--Double date at the Keith Urban concert
Later that week, we went on our first double date with Megan and James to the Jake Owen and Keith Urban concert. It was AMAZING! I hadn't seen Keith Urban live since high school, right before he became a big name. We went to dinner at Dewey's and then walked across the river to the concert. It was the perfect first double date and I look forward to many, many more in our future. I'll spare you all the mushy details from that night. ;-)
--Meeting the parents
The following week, I met his parents for the first time. Let me tell you, I was a mess that day! We went to dinner at Pizza Tower, which was so yummy! As soon as we got there, his mom gave me a big hug and told me how much she'd heard about me and how much she had been looking forward to meeting me. By the end of dinner, I was fully relaxed. His parents are incredible and I can definitely see where he gets his good manners from. His parents raised an amazing son. :-)
--Date night at Chili's and running into former students/parents
The night after we had dinner with his parents, we went on a date night, just the two of us. Right before our food came to the table, one of my former students and his parents came in. I bolted from the table and tackled Katie, who was holding Dominic. Of course Katie and I are friends on facebook so she had seen my relationship status change and she cracked me up when she told me "Do you know how hard it is for me to not turn around and stare right now?!" I love her. Dinner was amazing and we had so much fun just talking and laughing. I had had such a bad day that day and had worked a double (unplanned) so I was exhausted and grateful that he put up with my cranky, tired self that night.
--Failing my comps
Yeah...you read that right. I failed my comprehensive exam to graduate from the counseling program. How badly? Oh by five points. Do you know how disappointing it is to come so close and miss by so slim of a margin?? I'm retaking it at the end of October and praying like crazy I pass this time around. If I don't, I have to petition to write a thesis and UC doesn't have to grant me that right. If I fail the comps and don't get to write a thesis, I can be kicked out of the program. Talk about stress....
--Double date at Newport
A couple of weeks ago, we went on a double date with Adge and Joe to Bar Louie down at Newport. Dinner was delicious and then we went for a romantic walk on the river. Of course, being the goofs we are, we ruined our own romantic moment by cracking up at a sign about sewage waste and then taking a goofy picture next to it. However, even with the silliniess, it was probably one of my favorite dates that we've been on. I'm so glad he gets along with my best friend and there was no better way to spend a Friday night than on the river. I loved it.
--5k and roller skating
On August 20th, I ran the Panther Prowl, which most of you probably remember as my very first 5k ever last summer. Let me tell you, it was INCREDIBLE! I hadn't really trained this summer and I thought for sure I was going to end up walking most of it. Well, I did walk some of it, but Denise kept pushing me harder and harder and before I knew it, I was crossing the finish line at 46 minutes! Not only had I cut six minutes off of last year's time, but I also set a personal record because it's the BEST 5k time I've ever had. What made it even more special was that Dan also ran it, though he ran ahead of me and finished in 30 minutes. It was his first 5k and I was soooo proud of him!
After the 5k, I went home and crashed for a couple of hours before getting up to take my youth girls roller skating. I thought for sure I would be the first one to fall, but surprisingly, I didn't fall at all. I had so much skating and hanging out with the girls and then hanging out by Caitlin's pool with the girls while eating pizza.
So what's been going on since the Saturday of the 5k? Not a whole lot. I've been spending a lot of time with Dan, which is always nice. I've come to care about him a lot and he can always make me smile on a night when I just don't feel like smiling. He is just absolutely amazing in every way. We had a rough patch this past weekend but we worked through it and now we're better than ever. Oh and he met my parents this past weekend as well. It went so well and now I'm looking forward to us moving forward and being able to focus on us, without the awkwardness of that early dating stage in front of us anymore.
I threw my sister a baby shower and well, I won't go into the drama that went down that night because it's a very complicated situation. After the shower, I went down to the river with Vince, who was in town visiting. We sat on the river for two and a half hours just talking and laughing and catching up. We fell apart this summer for various reasons so it was so nice to be able to just hang out, just the two of us and catch up. I'm already looking forward to my weekend in Athens at the end of September because I already miss him like crazy.
I started my internship this week and I'm already loving it. I can already tell that junior high is going to be my favorite age group to work with in the schools. I feel like I've learned more this week than I did in the ten weeks of my practicum at the elementary school. Being there feels so right and makes me excited about my future. It just confirms that school counseling is what I want to do with my future and I hate the idea of going back to work tomorrow to a job that stresses me out so much. I just keep telling myself that I only have a year left and that hopefully next year I will be in my own office, in a real school setting, doing what I love to do.
And there you have it. I think that's it for my massive updates for now. I was home sick yesterday and I still have a cough developing so I think I'm going to call it an early night and go to bed. Until next time...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Way overdue
I am way overdue for an update. A lot of things have been going on, many the same old, same old, but there have been some exciting changes. I don't feel like typing a lot but I figure I'll at least update since it's been like two weeks since I last updated.
Summer quarter is almost over. I finished up my independent study on Monday, which ended up being 22 pages total after the appendices and then tonight I finished my Ethics paper which was four pages. The only thing left for summer quarter now is my in class, open book final on the 29th and then summer quarter is over.
My internship is supposed to start next week but I haven't heard back from my site supervisor and with my class schedule changing, I'm thinking I just may wait and start during the second week of school on the 29th. We'll see. I'm going to send off yet another email to my supervisor tomorrow and if I don't hear from her, my next step will be actually having to call the school.
I mentioned briefly in my last entry that I had met someone. Well, technically I can't say I met someone because we've actually known each other since high school. We fell out of touch in college, reconnected through facebook, and then started going to church together a few weeks ago. One thing led to another and we were hanging out and texting all the time and before either one of us knew it, we had made things official between us last Monday.
It still amazes me looking back over the last month or so how quickly everything happened but words can't even describe how happy I am right now. He is just absolutely incredible and I have been loving every minute that we spend together. I've had a couple of rough days this week and he has put up with me whining and complaining about work, a habit I'm really trying to break. I love how patient he is with me when I do have a rough day and how encouraging he is when I don't want to study or do homework.
I just...I don't even know. Words can't even begin to describe how special I think he is and how much I'm praying this out and looking forward to wherever God is going to take us. I never expected this or saw it coming. I had reached a point where I had told God I was done looking and I was done dating and that He was going to have to drop someone in my lap and well, that's pretty much how it worked out. I haven't been able to stop smiling in weeks and I love getting simple text messages that let me know he's thinking about me. My coworkers and my friends think I'm hilarious because I'm so giddy all the time and I'm constantly smiling. I love it. :-)
I'm running a 5k on Saturday, which will be the anniversary (the 5k, not the actual date) of my first 5k at this time last summer! It's so crazy to think about where I was a year ago and where I am now. I've already started looking at setting up my training schedule to run the half at the Pig again in May. I know that this 5k isn't going to be pretty because I haven't really been running this summer but it's getting me back out there and that's all that matters. After this 5k the next one in the line up is the Race for the Cure in September!
That's really all that's going on with me right now. Work, school, my youth kids, running, and the boy (not necessarily in that order!) pretty much consume my life recently. Hopefully I'll be back to update again soon but with school starting back up and my internship starting, life is about to get crazy busy. I don't want to stay away too long though!
Summer quarter is almost over. I finished up my independent study on Monday, which ended up being 22 pages total after the appendices and then tonight I finished my Ethics paper which was four pages. The only thing left for summer quarter now is my in class, open book final on the 29th and then summer quarter is over.
My internship is supposed to start next week but I haven't heard back from my site supervisor and with my class schedule changing, I'm thinking I just may wait and start during the second week of school on the 29th. We'll see. I'm going to send off yet another email to my supervisor tomorrow and if I don't hear from her, my next step will be actually having to call the school.
I mentioned briefly in my last entry that I had met someone. Well, technically I can't say I met someone because we've actually known each other since high school. We fell out of touch in college, reconnected through facebook, and then started going to church together a few weeks ago. One thing led to another and we were hanging out and texting all the time and before either one of us knew it, we had made things official between us last Monday.
It still amazes me looking back over the last month or so how quickly everything happened but words can't even describe how happy I am right now. He is just absolutely incredible and I have been loving every minute that we spend together. I've had a couple of rough days this week and he has put up with me whining and complaining about work, a habit I'm really trying to break. I love how patient he is with me when I do have a rough day and how encouraging he is when I don't want to study or do homework.
I just...I don't even know. Words can't even begin to describe how special I think he is and how much I'm praying this out and looking forward to wherever God is going to take us. I never expected this or saw it coming. I had reached a point where I had told God I was done looking and I was done dating and that He was going to have to drop someone in my lap and well, that's pretty much how it worked out. I haven't been able to stop smiling in weeks and I love getting simple text messages that let me know he's thinking about me. My coworkers and my friends think I'm hilarious because I'm so giddy all the time and I'm constantly smiling. I love it. :-)
I'm running a 5k on Saturday, which will be the anniversary (the 5k, not the actual date) of my first 5k at this time last summer! It's so crazy to think about where I was a year ago and where I am now. I've already started looking at setting up my training schedule to run the half at the Pig again in May. I know that this 5k isn't going to be pretty because I haven't really been running this summer but it's getting me back out there and that's all that matters. After this 5k the next one in the line up is the Race for the Cure in September!
That's really all that's going on with me right now. Work, school, my youth kids, running, and the boy (not necessarily in that order!) pretty much consume my life recently. Hopefully I'll be back to update again soon but with school starting back up and my internship starting, life is about to get crazy busy. I don't want to stay away too long though!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Short update
I realized I haven't done a proper update in over a week. Today marks the 24 hour mark from the comps exam, the exam I've been spending the whole summer studying for. Or...attempting to study for. haha I'm going to be so glad when it's over.
So...what's been going on? Bullets for now, real updates later in the weekend.
--My summer class started. It doesn't seem too bad. Just a paper and a final.
--I need to start in on my independent study. That will be my goal once I'm done with this exam tomorrow.
--I met someone...yep, that's all you get. :-P
--Work bounced my paycheck...again. This is the third time this year it's happened. I'm done. No more excuses.
--I have a job interview this afternoon at UC. It's an on campus residential position where I would be working with first year, first generational college students. I feel like it's perfect for me because I have three years of Reslife experience from OU and then I worked at Lighthouse trying to advocate to get students back into school and work so I feel like I have the skills necessary for the job. It'll all depend on the salary and whether it'll be worth it to take the position. We'll see.
Okay...study time. This time tomorrow the exam will be almost over!
So...what's been going on? Bullets for now, real updates later in the weekend.
--My summer class started. It doesn't seem too bad. Just a paper and a final.
--I need to start in on my independent study. That will be my goal once I'm done with this exam tomorrow.
--I met someone...yep, that's all you get. :-P
--Work bounced my paycheck...again. This is the third time this year it's happened. I'm done. No more excuses.
--I have a job interview this afternoon at UC. It's an on campus residential position where I would be working with first year, first generational college students. I feel like it's perfect for me because I have three years of Reslife experience from OU and then I worked at Lighthouse trying to advocate to get students back into school and work so I feel like I have the skills necessary for the job. It'll all depend on the salary and whether it'll be worth it to take the position. We'll see.
Okay...study time. This time tomorrow the exam will be almost over!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I. Am. Crazy.
I've decided I'm officially crazy. Are you all ready for my announcement? I'm sure no one is going to be surprised (other than myself and even I'm not that surprised at what I've decided...)
I've decided I'm officially going to train for the 2012 Flying Pig Half Marathon. Again. I told myself after all of the health issues I've had over the summer with my psoriasis and what not that I wasn't going to train for anything big this year but let's face it...we all saw this coming. Running has gotten into my blood. I can't run away that easily. Ha! I just made a funny!
Anyway...so yes. Here is my announcement to the world. Time to keep me on track friends. Check in with me every couple of weeks and see how my running is coming. I'm going to do it right this time and actually cross train so I'll be doing other workouts other than just running. Maybe that will help my stamina. We'll see.
First goal of the training process: Little Miami Panther Prowl 5k on August 20th!! It'll be the anniversary of my first 5k (not the actual date, but just the race itself) so I'm pumped to run this one. Since I haven't run since the Pig, it'll be more of a walk/jog but that's okay. I can handle it. I'm just excited to get back out there.
I must have left what was left of my sanity at the finish line on May 1st. That's okay. I love running and I love the confidence it gives me so I say....bring it on! Flying Pig Half Marathon 2012 here I come!!
For now, it's bedtime. :-P
I've decided I'm officially going to train for the 2012 Flying Pig Half Marathon. Again. I told myself after all of the health issues I've had over the summer with my psoriasis and what not that I wasn't going to train for anything big this year but let's face it...we all saw this coming. Running has gotten into my blood. I can't run away that easily. Ha! I just made a funny!
Anyway...so yes. Here is my announcement to the world. Time to keep me on track friends. Check in with me every couple of weeks and see how my running is coming. I'm going to do it right this time and actually cross train so I'll be doing other workouts other than just running. Maybe that will help my stamina. We'll see.
First goal of the training process: Little Miami Panther Prowl 5k on August 20th!! It'll be the anniversary of my first 5k (not the actual date, but just the race itself) so I'm pumped to run this one. Since I haven't run since the Pig, it'll be more of a walk/jog but that's okay. I can handle it. I'm just excited to get back out there.
I must have left what was left of my sanity at the finish line on May 1st. That's okay. I love running and I love the confidence it gives me so I say....bring it on! Flying Pig Half Marathon 2012 here I come!!
For now, it's bedtime. :-P
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I will worship You
I heard this song in church this morning and it gave me chills. I can not pick a more perfect song for this season in my life right now. Through the dark times, the good times, and the unsure times, I choose to worship the One who has given me life, the One who will never let me down and will never break my heart.
When I struggle to remember that I'm not alone and that God has brought me to this season in my life for a reason, this is the song I will come back to. Yes, the loneliness and uncertainty of the future hurt, but I know God has a purpose for everything and that He is never going to let me fall.
My biggest struggle is giving God my heart and letting Him lead my love story, trusting that He has a plan. I've had my heart broken so many times in the past that it's become easier to put a wall up and to not let anyone in. I learned tonight from my best friend, the person who has always been there and reminded me of God's promises, that it's okay to let others in, as long as I'm keeping God at the center of my life and my future love story. By keeping my heart in check and keeping God at the center, my heart won't be broken. His love is all I need.
I don't know what His plan for my future is. I don't know if He has a husband or kids in my future and I need to learn to be okay with that. His plan for my life is far greater than my own, even when it hurts. The loneliness hurts but through it, I've learned to grow and depend on the One who will always be there when everyone else falls away. This life isn't about me. It's about the Creator who gave me life, the One who leads me in everything I do.
Yes, I desire marriage and kids and a family and everything it entails but I need to trust God to work all of that out in His time. I have always been told that God will fulfill the desires of your heart, so long as you are following Him and trusting Him to work out His plan for your life. That's what I need to remember. I don't need to shut the world out and the hope of my own love story someday so long as I allow God to keep working in my life.
What an amazing reminder of His love and His promises this song gives. When I'm broken and scared and I feel like I can't possibly handle any more, I know He will always be there to pick up the pieces of my heart and my life. He will restore my soul and give me the strength I need. His love is all I need.
I Will Worship You
Aaron Gillepsie
When I’m losing,
When I’m broken
When I’m sinking like a stone
And it feels like I’m alone
I will worship You
When I’m so scared,
Life is unfair
When I’m tired and lose my way,
When I’m feeling so ashamed
I will worship You
You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
When I’m dancing,
When I’m hopeful
When I’m feeling mercy’s hand
And I’m living life again
I will worship You
When chains are broken,
When healing is coming
When Your forgiveness floods my heart,
This is my brand new start
I will worship You
You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, our God reigns
You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
My biggest struggle is giving God my heart and letting Him lead my love story, trusting that He has a plan. I've had my heart broken so many times in the past that it's become easier to put a wall up and to not let anyone in. I learned tonight from my best friend, the person who has always been there and reminded me of God's promises, that it's okay to let others in, as long as I'm keeping God at the center of my life and my future love story. By keeping my heart in check and keeping God at the center, my heart won't be broken. His love is all I need.
I don't know what His plan for my future is. I don't know if He has a husband or kids in my future and I need to learn to be okay with that. His plan for my life is far greater than my own, even when it hurts. The loneliness hurts but through it, I've learned to grow and depend on the One who will always be there when everyone else falls away. This life isn't about me. It's about the Creator who gave me life, the One who leads me in everything I do.
Yes, I desire marriage and kids and a family and everything it entails but I need to trust God to work all of that out in His time. I have always been told that God will fulfill the desires of your heart, so long as you are following Him and trusting Him to work out His plan for your life. That's what I need to remember. I don't need to shut the world out and the hope of my own love story someday so long as I allow God to keep working in my life.
What an amazing reminder of His love and His promises this song gives. When I'm broken and scared and I feel like I can't possibly handle any more, I know He will always be there to pick up the pieces of my heart and my life. He will restore my soul and give me the strength I need. His love is all I need.
I Will Worship You
Aaron Gillepsie
When I’m losing,
When I’m broken
When I’m sinking like a stone
And it feels like I’m alone
I will worship You
When I’m so scared,
Life is unfair
When I’m tired and lose my way,
When I’m feeling so ashamed
I will worship You
You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
When I’m dancing,
When I’m hopeful
When I’m feeling mercy’s hand
And I’m living life again
I will worship You
When chains are broken,
When healing is coming
When Your forgiveness floods my heart,
This is my brand new start
I will worship You
You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, our God reigns
You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Food for thought
I've had a lot on my mind recently in every aspect of my life and decided maybe blogging would be the best outlet for it. I encourage any and all feedback as long as it's respectful. I'm genuinely full of questions and am searching for answers and encouragement to try and answer them all. I'll start with the less serious stuff first and then move on to the deeper areas I've got questions about.
1. Finances
I am the worst money manager ever. I vow every year as part of my new year's resolutions that this is the year I will make a budget and stick to it and somehow I find myself living paycheck to paycheck or counting on my financial aid money. After this coming school year, I'm not going to have that to rely on any longer so I need to stop depending on it now. Yes, it's good to have it and stick it in savings incase something happens, but I can't keep counting that as part of my regular income.
With my plan to move to Denver next summer, I need to start to establish some sort of savings account and I need to pay off my credit cards. For those of you who take care of the family finances, what are your tips for staying on a budget, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc.? Do you use any kind of program to help you keep track or do you just use your checkbook? I'm all ears in this department because I've got nothing.
2. Cooking
I told my mom I want to teach myself to cook before I move to Denver next summer. As you all know, I'm the world's pickiest eater so quite honestly, my dinners a lot of times consist of switching off between peanut butter sandwiches, spaghetti with jar sauce, soup, tacos, and anything I can put in the oven/microwave. I love things like mashed potatoes and beef stew and even homemade spaghetti sauce but I have no idea where to even begin to make them myself. I also like burgers and steaks and what not but don't know the first thing about either grilling them or cooking them on the stove. Help! Recipes and tips are encouraged, especially for desserts! haha
3. Weight loss
Thanks to my psoriasis, I haven't been able to work out since the end of May. I have a gym bag packed and ready to go for tomorrow when I get off of work since I've been getting off early so I'm headed to do some cardio and strength training. What are some of your favorite workouts? What are tips for getting the weight off and keeping it off? If I could figure out how to cut the pop out of my diet I would be golden but the caffeine withdrawals are awful! I usually end up caving after about a day of no caffeiene. :-/ I drink a ton of water at work but I usually have some kind of caffeine either first thing in the morning or during my lunch break. If I could train my body to not need it, I know it would be so good for me. I just can't get my mind past the thought that I need caffeiene to survive when I know I really don't.
Realisitically, I'd love to lose three pounds a month, which seems to be pretty average but I'm just stuck at a plateau and can't get over it. I've actually put back on about 10 pounds since I wasn't able to work out and then eating all the time in Denver. I feel so uncomfortable in my body again and all of the smaller size jeans I bought now are too small again. I refuse to buy bigger pants so the weight is just going to have to come off. I just don't know where to start.
4. Spirituality
This is the big one for me. I actually think I'm going to save this entry for tomorrow or later in the week because I want to do some reading before I post the thoughts I'm having. As a teaser and a reminder, I want to remind myself to touch on the idea of three heavens, sexuality, sleeping vs. going to heaven, salvation/judgment day, etc. Yes, I have a reasoning for why I'm going to write about all of this but like I said, I want to do some reading before I post my thinking on these subjects and where they all came from.
I think that's it for right now. I promise a bigger entry on the spiritual issues later this week but any advice on the first three topics is very much welcomed because I need it, especially in the finance area. It's time for some big changes and a new adventure. I'm so ready!
1. Finances
I am the worst money manager ever. I vow every year as part of my new year's resolutions that this is the year I will make a budget and stick to it and somehow I find myself living paycheck to paycheck or counting on my financial aid money. After this coming school year, I'm not going to have that to rely on any longer so I need to stop depending on it now. Yes, it's good to have it and stick it in savings incase something happens, but I can't keep counting that as part of my regular income.
With my plan to move to Denver next summer, I need to start to establish some sort of savings account and I need to pay off my credit cards. For those of you who take care of the family finances, what are your tips for staying on a budget, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc.? Do you use any kind of program to help you keep track or do you just use your checkbook? I'm all ears in this department because I've got nothing.
2. Cooking
I told my mom I want to teach myself to cook before I move to Denver next summer. As you all know, I'm the world's pickiest eater so quite honestly, my dinners a lot of times consist of switching off between peanut butter sandwiches, spaghetti with jar sauce, soup, tacos, and anything I can put in the oven/microwave. I love things like mashed potatoes and beef stew and even homemade spaghetti sauce but I have no idea where to even begin to make them myself. I also like burgers and steaks and what not but don't know the first thing about either grilling them or cooking them on the stove. Help! Recipes and tips are encouraged, especially for desserts! haha
3. Weight loss
Thanks to my psoriasis, I haven't been able to work out since the end of May. I have a gym bag packed and ready to go for tomorrow when I get off of work since I've been getting off early so I'm headed to do some cardio and strength training. What are some of your favorite workouts? What are tips for getting the weight off and keeping it off? If I could figure out how to cut the pop out of my diet I would be golden but the caffeine withdrawals are awful! I usually end up caving after about a day of no caffeiene. :-/ I drink a ton of water at work but I usually have some kind of caffeine either first thing in the morning or during my lunch break. If I could train my body to not need it, I know it would be so good for me. I just can't get my mind past the thought that I need caffeiene to survive when I know I really don't.
Realisitically, I'd love to lose three pounds a month, which seems to be pretty average but I'm just stuck at a plateau and can't get over it. I've actually put back on about 10 pounds since I wasn't able to work out and then eating all the time in Denver. I feel so uncomfortable in my body again and all of the smaller size jeans I bought now are too small again. I refuse to buy bigger pants so the weight is just going to have to come off. I just don't know where to start.
4. Spirituality
This is the big one for me. I actually think I'm going to save this entry for tomorrow or later in the week because I want to do some reading before I post the thoughts I'm having. As a teaser and a reminder, I want to remind myself to touch on the idea of three heavens, sexuality, sleeping vs. going to heaven, salvation/judgment day, etc. Yes, I have a reasoning for why I'm going to write about all of this but like I said, I want to do some reading before I post my thinking on these subjects and where they all came from.
I think that's it for right now. I promise a bigger entry on the spiritual issues later this week but any advice on the first three topics is very much welcomed because I need it, especially in the finance area. It's time for some big changes and a new adventure. I'm so ready!
Monday, July 11, 2011
We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto
This past week has been ridiculously crazy and busy and the weekend ended up being much the same so I decided to wait until today to update since I knew I'd be getting off of work early. This will be pretty lengthy with big stuff scattered in the middle so you actually have to read it to find out the news. ;-)
My drive home from Colorado was...entertaining and emotional. I broke down in tears as soon as I pulled out of the driveway of the boy's house and it took me about 20 minutes to actually get myself under control. I would be good for a couple of hours and then the tears would start again. Leaving Denver broke my heart in half. I didn't expect it to hurt so much but it did.
When I wasn't crying, well, I was getting lost. haha...Typical of course. For anyone who has never driven across the country let me inform you of one thing: there is NOTHING in Kansas. For miles. NOTHING! I was just under a half of a tank of gas at one point and thought for sure I'd be fine for awhile. Oh no...it emptied out quicker than I expected and of course there are no convenient gas stations anywhere in the distance. I had to recalculate my gps to find me the closest gas station and I went on an off highway adventure that took me a good 20 minutes out of my way just to find gas. Once I found it, I found myself driving through small town America, which literally was so tiny they didn't even have need for a traffic light. Oh yes, I'm so serious. People sitting on their front porches were STARING at me and my Ohio license plates as I drove towards the gas station. And of course I have no cell phone reception because I'm in the middle of nowhere so I had to wait an HOUR before I could call my mom and call Mike and tell them about my adventure. It was so ridiculous but so entertaining. Definitely a story I'll have to tell for years.
I have been an emotional wreck in the week since I've been home. I miss my Denver family so much, even though I love being back with my family and my friends. It doesn't help that a couple of my friends are upset with me for a decision I've made. Are you all ready for this??
I'm moving to Denver. I know I've been talking about it for awhile but it's going to happen. After I'm done with school in June, I'm going to quit my job and take the last couple of weeks to tie up loose ends in Ohio and then my plan is to be in Denver by July 1st. Since I'm going out in March for spring break, my hope is to interview like crazy the week I'm out there and find someone who will hold a position for me until I move out there.
If I can't find someone who will hold a position for me, my plan is to apply for my subbing license, something I'm going to start the process on in November. This way, come fall of 2012, I can get myself into districts around the Denver metro area and then have connections for when school counseling positions open. This is all if I can't find a school counseling job right away of course. My plan is to hopefully have a counseling job lined up by the time I move out there in July. I'll of course find a job to get me through the summer (I'm going to need to!) and then come fall I hope to be in a district somewhere.
I'm also going to look into preschool jobs, since that's what I currently do. I don't want to teach preschool anymore after this but if I want to move to Denver, then I have to be willing to take what I can get until I find the job I want. I'm also going to put my resume out there on different career websites and look into using my social work background as well. My hope is that something will pan out so that I can be in Denver next summer.
I know a lot can change in a year but I want this...badly. I have never wanted something as much as I want this move to Denver. It has several of my friends upset but my reaction to that is they'll get over it. My friendships with Denise and Diana and Irene are still as solid as they've ever been, even after moving away. Yes, it's tough but true friends make it through and support each other through everything. If this doesn't work out, then the worst that happens is I move home and find a job in Cincinnati. I'm never going to know if I can make it on my own if I don't try it. I want to do this. I want to break out of my comfortable Ohio bubble and see what else is out there. I want a chance to do something for me for once.
It's not going to be easy to leave Cincinnati. I know that. The day I pull out of my driveway for the last time to start the drive west next summer I'll be in tears. Mike has warned me that the first year away from everything you know is tough. But the difference between me and him? They moved out there not knowing anyone. I have a built in support system already. No, that still doesn't make it easy but it will help. I can do this. I want to do this. I know it won't be easy but I'm ready for the adventure.
Now, on to lighter topics. I'm throwing my sister a baby shower on August 28th! I'm a little nervous because I've never thrown a baby shower before but I think it'll be fun. Her friend Liz is helping me so at least I'm not doing it all alone. I can't believe my sister is halfway through this pregnancy already. I feel like she was just telling me she was pregnant and now she's halfway through! Crazy!
School is going well. I'm starting in on my independent study and studying for my comps exam. I don't expect to pass the first time around but at least it'll give me a feel for what it'll be like. I'm actually at the library now and I'm supposed to be studying but instead I'm updating this. Whoops. haha
The other biggest news: most of my psoriasis has cleared up! Being in Denver in the sun and the dry air for two weeks did wonders for my skin. My upper back, arms, and legs are pretty clear, minus a few spotty patches on the bottoms of my legs. My lower back and stomach still look awful. I need to expose them more to the sun. My plan is to join a tanning bed and go once or twice a week for a few minutes at a time to keep it under control. I really don't want to be on meds for it so if I can clear it up with just tanning and sun exposure, I'm all for it. And don't worry...yes I will be careful with it. Save the lectures on the dangers of tanning. I've gotten enough of them lately. :-P
I think that about does it for a major update for me. I need to get back to studying or at least researching until I head to Tym and Amy's for dinner. If anyone has any suggestions on moving/job applying tips or psoriasis care, I'm all ears. I need all the suggestions I can get!
My drive home from Colorado was...entertaining and emotional. I broke down in tears as soon as I pulled out of the driveway of the boy's house and it took me about 20 minutes to actually get myself under control. I would be good for a couple of hours and then the tears would start again. Leaving Denver broke my heart in half. I didn't expect it to hurt so much but it did.
When I wasn't crying, well, I was getting lost. haha...Typical of course. For anyone who has never driven across the country let me inform you of one thing: there is NOTHING in Kansas. For miles. NOTHING! I was just under a half of a tank of gas at one point and thought for sure I'd be fine for awhile. Oh no...it emptied out quicker than I expected and of course there are no convenient gas stations anywhere in the distance. I had to recalculate my gps to find me the closest gas station and I went on an off highway adventure that took me a good 20 minutes out of my way just to find gas. Once I found it, I found myself driving through small town America, which literally was so tiny they didn't even have need for a traffic light. Oh yes, I'm so serious. People sitting on their front porches were STARING at me and my Ohio license plates as I drove towards the gas station. And of course I have no cell phone reception because I'm in the middle of nowhere so I had to wait an HOUR before I could call my mom and call Mike and tell them about my adventure. It was so ridiculous but so entertaining. Definitely a story I'll have to tell for years.
I have been an emotional wreck in the week since I've been home. I miss my Denver family so much, even though I love being back with my family and my friends. It doesn't help that a couple of my friends are upset with me for a decision I've made. Are you all ready for this??
I'm moving to Denver. I know I've been talking about it for awhile but it's going to happen. After I'm done with school in June, I'm going to quit my job and take the last couple of weeks to tie up loose ends in Ohio and then my plan is to be in Denver by July 1st. Since I'm going out in March for spring break, my hope is to interview like crazy the week I'm out there and find someone who will hold a position for me until I move out there.
If I can't find someone who will hold a position for me, my plan is to apply for my subbing license, something I'm going to start the process on in November. This way, come fall of 2012, I can get myself into districts around the Denver metro area and then have connections for when school counseling positions open. This is all if I can't find a school counseling job right away of course. My plan is to hopefully have a counseling job lined up by the time I move out there in July. I'll of course find a job to get me through the summer (I'm going to need to!) and then come fall I hope to be in a district somewhere.
I'm also going to look into preschool jobs, since that's what I currently do. I don't want to teach preschool anymore after this but if I want to move to Denver, then I have to be willing to take what I can get until I find the job I want. I'm also going to put my resume out there on different career websites and look into using my social work background as well. My hope is that something will pan out so that I can be in Denver next summer.
I know a lot can change in a year but I want this...badly. I have never wanted something as much as I want this move to Denver. It has several of my friends upset but my reaction to that is they'll get over it. My friendships with Denise and Diana and Irene are still as solid as they've ever been, even after moving away. Yes, it's tough but true friends make it through and support each other through everything. If this doesn't work out, then the worst that happens is I move home and find a job in Cincinnati. I'm never going to know if I can make it on my own if I don't try it. I want to do this. I want to break out of my comfortable Ohio bubble and see what else is out there. I want a chance to do something for me for once.
It's not going to be easy to leave Cincinnati. I know that. The day I pull out of my driveway for the last time to start the drive west next summer I'll be in tears. Mike has warned me that the first year away from everything you know is tough. But the difference between me and him? They moved out there not knowing anyone. I have a built in support system already. No, that still doesn't make it easy but it will help. I can do this. I want to do this. I know it won't be easy but I'm ready for the adventure.
Now, on to lighter topics. I'm throwing my sister a baby shower on August 28th! I'm a little nervous because I've never thrown a baby shower before but I think it'll be fun. Her friend Liz is helping me so at least I'm not doing it all alone. I can't believe my sister is halfway through this pregnancy already. I feel like she was just telling me she was pregnant and now she's halfway through! Crazy!
School is going well. I'm starting in on my independent study and studying for my comps exam. I don't expect to pass the first time around but at least it'll give me a feel for what it'll be like. I'm actually at the library now and I'm supposed to be studying but instead I'm updating this. Whoops. haha
The other biggest news: most of my psoriasis has cleared up! Being in Denver in the sun and the dry air for two weeks did wonders for my skin. My upper back, arms, and legs are pretty clear, minus a few spotty patches on the bottoms of my legs. My lower back and stomach still look awful. I need to expose them more to the sun. My plan is to join a tanning bed and go once or twice a week for a few minutes at a time to keep it under control. I really don't want to be on meds for it so if I can clear it up with just tanning and sun exposure, I'm all for it. And don't worry...yes I will be careful with it. Save the lectures on the dangers of tanning. I've gotten enough of them lately. :-P
I think that about does it for a major update for me. I need to get back to studying or at least researching until I head to Tym and Amy's for dinner. If anyone has any suggestions on moving/job applying tips or psoriasis care, I'm all ears. I need all the suggestions I can get!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Reminders
I know I haven't updated since the end of my vacation in Denver so I'm promising a real update this weekend. Here are reminders to myself on what I need to update on.
--My drive home from Colorado, including my little off the highway adventure through podunk town Kansas looking for gas.
--My emotional meltdowns this week since being home
--Baby shower plans
--Moving to Denver plans, including subbing license, preschool jobs, etc. along with my timeline for what I'm thinking.
--School update
--Health update (psoriasis, etc.)
I think that's it. See you all this weekend!
--My drive home from Colorado, including my little off the highway adventure through podunk town Kansas looking for gas.
--My emotional meltdowns this week since being home
--Baby shower plans
--Moving to Denver plans, including subbing license, preschool jobs, etc. along with my timeline for what I'm thinking.
--School update
--Health update (psoriasis, etc.)
I think that's it. See you all this weekend!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Coming to a close
Tomorrow marks my last full day in Denver. Saturday morning I'll start the drive back east and I'm already not looking forward to the goodbyes I know I have to say, at least until March. Every time I come out here, it gets harder and harder to say goodbye and go back home. On the flip side, I do miss my family and my best friends...a lot more than I expected to. Maybe it's because I've been out here for two weeks. I don't know. But I do miss them and I'm looking forward to being in the same time zone again, simply to make phone calls that much easier.
This visit out here has given me the opportunity to see what real, everyday life would be like in Colorado. The boys both worked while I was here, so I had a lot of down time to myself. I did do a few fun things but this vacation was mainly an opportunity for me to relax before having to go back into the hecticness that will be the rest of my summer and the whole coming academic year. I spent many days relaxing on the couch and sleeping in. It was almost as if I lived here and just simply had the day off of work.
Truth be told, my heart is a mess of emotions again, just as I knew it would be. A huge part of me is regretting not taking the Colorado boards after all, especially because I'm pretty certain that in the coming months when it's time to begin applying for full time jobs I'll most likely be applying out here as well as at home. I knew this would happen when I made the decision to come out for two weeks. I think extending my time here was simply a test to see how well I would do being separated from my family and friends for longer than just simply a week. I miss them but I could see myself doing this. I truly could.
I spent yesterday at the Denver Art Museum and on the way there, I felt just like any normal Denver-ite wearing my headphones and listening to my ipod as I caught the shuttle that would take me within blocks of the museum. I've always been a city girl and Denver is such a big city that I could see myself living here and working here and exploring the city I would call home.
This visit has given me a chance to remember the sides of me I don't let show at home. I remembered how much I love doing things such as spending the day by myself exploring an art museum or sitting in a coffee shop downtown just people watching. I love the opportunity to debate religion and Christianity and theology without someone making me feel stupid for my opinions. I love sitting out on the front porch at night, looking at the stars and just dreaming of what my future could look like and praying about what God has in store for me. How I did I forget about all those parts of me? Why do I spend so much time at home pushing my thoughts and feelings down? My opinions are just as important as anyone else's and instead I've learned to keep my guard up because I've gotten tired of the people around me making me feel awful for some of the things I think and believe.
There are so many little moments about being out here that I'm going to miss, such as the ridiculousness of Mike and I texting each other while in the house together, like we just now did. I'm going to miss sitting on the front porch together until 10 or 11 at night just talking and watching the grass grow. (No we really DID watch the grass grow because they just laid new sod in the yard so it's been fun to watch the sprinklers water it. Yes we are that lame. haha) I'm going to miss driving around in the truck with the windows down singing (badly!) at the tops of our lungs. I'm even going to miss him poking fun at me when we're at dinner or out with friends.
Somehow, in the last year, he has become the other half of me, the side of me that doesn't show very often. He pushes me in my faith and to discover who I really am and what I think and believe. He makes me laugh in a moment when I feel like I could cry. He listens to me vent and whine (a lot!) about things that probably aren't worth being upset over. I never expected him to become my best friend, but he has. He's the one person who can tell me like it is, know it'll piss me off, and know I'll take it because I know in the end he's usually right. Leaving here on Saturday is going to break my heart simply because I know for the next nine months all we're going to have is our weekly phone calls and random text messages here and there.
It sucks when all of your best friends are scattered so far away. I'm blessed at home to have Megan. She is my heart and my rock in Cincinnati and without her, I would be lost. But then, I have Diana and Denise in Youngstown, two of the people who have known me the longest. It doesn't matter how far apart we are or how long it's been since we've seen each other. We pick right back up where we left off. I also have a circle of close friends in Cincinnati, people who my life would be incomplete without.
And then, here in Denver, is Mike. I truly mean it when I say I never expected us to become the friends we are now. When I first came out here in March of 2010 I thought I was coming out to reconnect with family. Instead, I gained a new best friend, someone my life would be a mess without. I never expected this, but I am so very blessed to have someone so amazing in my life.
I need to stop writing. I just broke down in tears when Angie walked in. I told myself I wouldn't cry until Saturday in the privacy of my own car but I have a feeling there will be a lot of tears shed in the next 48 hours as these goodbyes loom on the horizon. I hate this.
This visit out here has given me the opportunity to see what real, everyday life would be like in Colorado. The boys both worked while I was here, so I had a lot of down time to myself. I did do a few fun things but this vacation was mainly an opportunity for me to relax before having to go back into the hecticness that will be the rest of my summer and the whole coming academic year. I spent many days relaxing on the couch and sleeping in. It was almost as if I lived here and just simply had the day off of work.
Truth be told, my heart is a mess of emotions again, just as I knew it would be. A huge part of me is regretting not taking the Colorado boards after all, especially because I'm pretty certain that in the coming months when it's time to begin applying for full time jobs I'll most likely be applying out here as well as at home. I knew this would happen when I made the decision to come out for two weeks. I think extending my time here was simply a test to see how well I would do being separated from my family and friends for longer than just simply a week. I miss them but I could see myself doing this. I truly could.
I spent yesterday at the Denver Art Museum and on the way there, I felt just like any normal Denver-ite wearing my headphones and listening to my ipod as I caught the shuttle that would take me within blocks of the museum. I've always been a city girl and Denver is such a big city that I could see myself living here and working here and exploring the city I would call home.
This visit has given me a chance to remember the sides of me I don't let show at home. I remembered how much I love doing things such as spending the day by myself exploring an art museum or sitting in a coffee shop downtown just people watching. I love the opportunity to debate religion and Christianity and theology without someone making me feel stupid for my opinions. I love sitting out on the front porch at night, looking at the stars and just dreaming of what my future could look like and praying about what God has in store for me. How I did I forget about all those parts of me? Why do I spend so much time at home pushing my thoughts and feelings down? My opinions are just as important as anyone else's and instead I've learned to keep my guard up because I've gotten tired of the people around me making me feel awful for some of the things I think and believe.
There are so many little moments about being out here that I'm going to miss, such as the ridiculousness of Mike and I texting each other while in the house together, like we just now did. I'm going to miss sitting on the front porch together until 10 or 11 at night just talking and watching the grass grow. (No we really DID watch the grass grow because they just laid new sod in the yard so it's been fun to watch the sprinklers water it. Yes we are that lame. haha) I'm going to miss driving around in the truck with the windows down singing (badly!) at the tops of our lungs. I'm even going to miss him poking fun at me when we're at dinner or out with friends.
Somehow, in the last year, he has become the other half of me, the side of me that doesn't show very often. He pushes me in my faith and to discover who I really am and what I think and believe. He makes me laugh in a moment when I feel like I could cry. He listens to me vent and whine (a lot!) about things that probably aren't worth being upset over. I never expected him to become my best friend, but he has. He's the one person who can tell me like it is, know it'll piss me off, and know I'll take it because I know in the end he's usually right. Leaving here on Saturday is going to break my heart simply because I know for the next nine months all we're going to have is our weekly phone calls and random text messages here and there.
It sucks when all of your best friends are scattered so far away. I'm blessed at home to have Megan. She is my heart and my rock in Cincinnati and without her, I would be lost. But then, I have Diana and Denise in Youngstown, two of the people who have known me the longest. It doesn't matter how far apart we are or how long it's been since we've seen each other. We pick right back up where we left off. I also have a circle of close friends in Cincinnati, people who my life would be incomplete without.
And then, here in Denver, is Mike. I truly mean it when I say I never expected us to become the friends we are now. When I first came out here in March of 2010 I thought I was coming out to reconnect with family. Instead, I gained a new best friend, someone my life would be a mess without. I never expected this, but I am so very blessed to have someone so amazing in my life.
I need to stop writing. I just broke down in tears when Angie walked in. I told myself I wouldn't cry until Saturday in the privacy of my own car but I have a feeling there will be a lot of tears shed in the next 48 hours as these goodbyes loom on the horizon. I hate this.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Life in Colorado
I am loving my trip to Denver so far. The drive out was long but surprisingly wasn't too bad. I got on the road around 3:30 on Friday and checked into my hotel shortly after 11 central time in Columbia, Missouri. I was so impressed by the quality (I stayed in a Motel 6 which I've heard mixed reviews on) that I went ahead and booked a room for my return trip home. I couldn't beat the price of $45 (before taxes) for just one night.
On Saturday I got on the road around 8:30 or so central time to drive the last ten and a half hours to Denver. I did pretty well time wise until I hit an intense storm just 15 miles from the Colorado border and about got pushed into the side of a semi so I got off the highway and sat for about 30 minutes waiting for it to pass. I finally got back on the road and got in around 8:30 or so mountain time.
As soon as I got in the boys whisked me off to dinner at Unos, which is not my favorite but that's okay. I had a burger and fries and I knew I was starting to get tired after my long day of driving when I just kept randomly cracking myself up at stupid stuff that no one else understood. Then, as I was trying to stack my silverware on my plate, my knife hit my cup and my entire glass of pepsi ended up all over the table and all over Mike's lap. I felt awful! Unfortunately, the night didn't end there because Mike and I ended up having to drive downtown to pick up a drunken Jack who was in no condition to drive home.
I told Mike to wake me for church on Sunday but when he did, I told him to let me sleep. I knew I was going to crash from my drive and I definitely did. I didn't crawl out of bed until almost 11 Sunday morning and the whole day I was just dragging. I took the boys to brunch for a belated birthday celebration and then we just hung around the house before having spaghetti for dinner, made with my mom's homemade sauce that I had brought in a cooler with me during my cross country trip.
I've been sleeping about ten hours every night since I got here. I truly did need this vacation to just relax and not go go go all the time. I spent some time downtown on Monday after having lunch with Mike and then spent the day in Boulder with Angie yesterday but overall, it's been very relaxing. I spent today by the pool because the doctor told me to get some sun to help dry up my psoriasis. I put sunscreen everywhere but my back (because I couldn't reach it and no one was home to help) and my legs (because my legs never burn). Well, I definitely got some sun. My poor white legs that never burn at home in Ohio definitely got some color after two hours in the Colorado sun without sunscreen. My back also got some sun because I can feel the heat of it through my shirt but I haven't looked yet since showering to see how bad it is. My legs tingled in the shower but they don't hurt right now. I have to go pick up stuff to cook dinner so I may pick up some aloe just incase for later tonight when I'm sure they will finally hurt.
I needed this vacation badly. I've been on the go for what feels like months now and I have craziness of an independent study, my summer class, work, and soon my internship facing me when I get home so I'm going to love these two weeks of just relaxing, sleeping as late as I want, and doing whatever I want, when I want to while I'm here. I don't even want to think about going home next weekend....
I have a lot on my mind as far as Colorado versus Ohio goes (I'm sure everyone saw that coming when I made the decision to come out for two weeks...) but I'm not ready to put it into words yet. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time for that later.
For now, I'm off in search of my blanket since Mikey keeps the a/c set at 68 (brrr!) and then I'm going to do some studying for my comps exam until he gets home from work. Oh vacation....
On Saturday I got on the road around 8:30 or so central time to drive the last ten and a half hours to Denver. I did pretty well time wise until I hit an intense storm just 15 miles from the Colorado border and about got pushed into the side of a semi so I got off the highway and sat for about 30 minutes waiting for it to pass. I finally got back on the road and got in around 8:30 or so mountain time.
As soon as I got in the boys whisked me off to dinner at Unos, which is not my favorite but that's okay. I had a burger and fries and I knew I was starting to get tired after my long day of driving when I just kept randomly cracking myself up at stupid stuff that no one else understood. Then, as I was trying to stack my silverware on my plate, my knife hit my cup and my entire glass of pepsi ended up all over the table and all over Mike's lap. I felt awful! Unfortunately, the night didn't end there because Mike and I ended up having to drive downtown to pick up a drunken Jack who was in no condition to drive home.
I told Mike to wake me for church on Sunday but when he did, I told him to let me sleep. I knew I was going to crash from my drive and I definitely did. I didn't crawl out of bed until almost 11 Sunday morning and the whole day I was just dragging. I took the boys to brunch for a belated birthday celebration and then we just hung around the house before having spaghetti for dinner, made with my mom's homemade sauce that I had brought in a cooler with me during my cross country trip.
I've been sleeping about ten hours every night since I got here. I truly did need this vacation to just relax and not go go go all the time. I spent some time downtown on Monday after having lunch with Mike and then spent the day in Boulder with Angie yesterday but overall, it's been very relaxing. I spent today by the pool because the doctor told me to get some sun to help dry up my psoriasis. I put sunscreen everywhere but my back (because I couldn't reach it and no one was home to help) and my legs (because my legs never burn). Well, I definitely got some sun. My poor white legs that never burn at home in Ohio definitely got some color after two hours in the Colorado sun without sunscreen. My back also got some sun because I can feel the heat of it through my shirt but I haven't looked yet since showering to see how bad it is. My legs tingled in the shower but they don't hurt right now. I have to go pick up stuff to cook dinner so I may pick up some aloe just incase for later tonight when I'm sure they will finally hurt.
I needed this vacation badly. I've been on the go for what feels like months now and I have craziness of an independent study, my summer class, work, and soon my internship facing me when I get home so I'm going to love these two weeks of just relaxing, sleeping as late as I want, and doing whatever I want, when I want to while I'm here. I don't even want to think about going home next weekend....
I have a lot on my mind as far as Colorado versus Ohio goes (I'm sure everyone saw that coming when I made the decision to come out for two weeks...) but I'm not ready to put it into words yet. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time for that later.
For now, I'm off in search of my blanket since Mikey keeps the a/c set at 68 (brrr!) and then I'm going to do some studying for my comps exam until he gets home from work. Oh vacation....
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Bullets
I know I haven't done a proper update in like two weeks so I apologize profusely! The end of the quarter got away from me, but it was successful! I got an A in my Special Education elective and a B- in Tests in Counseling, which was an awful class. I got a 3.3 for the quarter and a 3.45 overall. Why couldn't I do this awesome during undergrad?!
Things have been pretty crazy so here are some bullets for now. I'll do a proper update probably from Denver on SUNDAY! Can you all believe it's so close?? We went from counting down when we had 100+ days left to being down to being less than 48 hours from being on the road. I'm driving out (crazy I know!) so I'm doing eight hours on Friday and like 10 or 11 on Saturday. I'm staying overnight in Columbia, Missouri Friday night and then making the last of the drive on Saturday. The drive will be long but it's going to be worth it for TWO WEEKS with my favorite people in my favorite place!
Anyway...bullets...
--I finally got a diagnosis of psoriasis from the derm. We're now trying to figure out the best course of treatment for it. I'm still covered in spots but I only itch every once in awhile, like if I leave the steroid cream on too long (such as putting it on last night and not showering this morning so I had it on all night and then all day at work) or when I get overheated. This came as a shock because there's no family history of it on either side. I'm definitely the first. Plus it doesn't present as normal psoriasis. I'll do a full update on this sometime next week.
--School is out...for two weeks. My independent study starts when I get back from Denver and then my summer class starts the last week of July.
--I need to study for my comprehensive exam to graduate from the program. The exam is August 6th. Eeek!
--Work is work. That's all I have to say about that. I'm glad for two weeks off.
--My sister is pregnant!!!! I've been hiding this for awhile because at first she wasn't telling anyone but now she is so I'm prouldy telling the world! She finds out tomorrow if it's a boy or a girl and aunt Heather is just thrilled. Since she wasn't exactly expecting this pregnancy, she has nothing so aunt Heather is trying to reign herself in from going too crazy. :-P
I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff but that's okay. It'll come back to me. Hope you all are doing well!
Things have been pretty crazy so here are some bullets for now. I'll do a proper update probably from Denver on SUNDAY! Can you all believe it's so close?? We went from counting down when we had 100+ days left to being down to being less than 48 hours from being on the road. I'm driving out (crazy I know!) so I'm doing eight hours on Friday and like 10 or 11 on Saturday. I'm staying overnight in Columbia, Missouri Friday night and then making the last of the drive on Saturday. The drive will be long but it's going to be worth it for TWO WEEKS with my favorite people in my favorite place!
Anyway...bullets...
--I finally got a diagnosis of psoriasis from the derm. We're now trying to figure out the best course of treatment for it. I'm still covered in spots but I only itch every once in awhile, like if I leave the steroid cream on too long (such as putting it on last night and not showering this morning so I had it on all night and then all day at work) or when I get overheated. This came as a shock because there's no family history of it on either side. I'm definitely the first. Plus it doesn't present as normal psoriasis. I'll do a full update on this sometime next week.
--School is out...for two weeks. My independent study starts when I get back from Denver and then my summer class starts the last week of July.
--I need to study for my comprehensive exam to graduate from the program. The exam is August 6th. Eeek!
--Work is work. That's all I have to say about that. I'm glad for two weeks off.
--My sister is pregnant!!!! I've been hiding this for awhile because at first she wasn't telling anyone but now she is so I'm prouldy telling the world! She finds out tomorrow if it's a boy or a girl and aunt Heather is just thrilled. Since she wasn't exactly expecting this pregnancy, she has nothing so aunt Heather is trying to reign herself in from going too crazy. :-P
I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff but that's okay. It'll come back to me. Hope you all are doing well!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Finally!
If you all are friends with me on facebook, you've seen my recent status updates about this awful rash. I'm pretty sure I've blogged about it and how I finally got a diagnosis about a month ago. Well, it never went away. In fact, it just keeps spreading. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I tried to call and schedule a dermatology appointment but the lady I talked to was really rude and told me they couldn't get me in until September. I kept trying to explain I couldn't wait but she insisted I needed to follow up with a regular doctor first and made me an appointment with a doctor that I silently call a witch for how rude she was to me about my weight two years ago when I first started going to UC without even reading my chart to know why I struggle with my weight loss. I decided to cancel that appointment and just walk in today before class.
Well, this morning I woke up and the spots on my stomach no longer itched-they were burning. Well, not so much burning as tingling. It's hard to describe the feeling. I went into work crying because of how uncomfortable I was. Stacey immediately decided I needed to go see a doctor before this afternoon and she called our boss and arranged for me to leave work at 8:45 to go to the doctors. So mnay of my co-workers gripe about her, but today was just another reason of why I love working with her. She always has my best intentions at heart.
I got to campus and found out my favorite doctor (Dr. Harrison) was working. I immediately asked to see her and as soon as she walked into the exam room, she knew I needed to see a dermatologist. She did prescribe me a cream she's hoping will ease some of my itching because she thinks the cortizone cream I've been using has been making the rash spread. I was so relieved that she believed something was wrong that I started crying. I explained to her about trying to call derm myself and about how I'm so uncomfortable I can't function and she knew I needed to see someone. She called the derm nurse in who just happened to be working today and even she took one look at me and was like "Oh honey we need to get you in now. You can't wait until September." Thank you! Finally someone who sees why I'm so miserable!
I am so thankful for Dr. Harrison and the fact that she actually believed there was something wrong with me. I'm at a point where I literally just can not take this anymore. From now on, I see no one but her because three other doctors have seen me, all of whom said this just needed to run it's course. Obviously there is something wrong with me or it wouldn't keep spreading and itching like this!!
Now, just to suffer through the next few days until I can get into the derm. :-/
Well, this morning I woke up and the spots on my stomach no longer itched-they were burning. Well, not so much burning as tingling. It's hard to describe the feeling. I went into work crying because of how uncomfortable I was. Stacey immediately decided I needed to go see a doctor before this afternoon and she called our boss and arranged for me to leave work at 8:45 to go to the doctors. So mnay of my co-workers gripe about her, but today was just another reason of why I love working with her. She always has my best intentions at heart.
I got to campus and found out my favorite doctor (Dr. Harrison) was working. I immediately asked to see her and as soon as she walked into the exam room, she knew I needed to see a dermatologist. She did prescribe me a cream she's hoping will ease some of my itching because she thinks the cortizone cream I've been using has been making the rash spread. I was so relieved that she believed something was wrong that I started crying. I explained to her about trying to call derm myself and about how I'm so uncomfortable I can't function and she knew I needed to see someone. She called the derm nurse in who just happened to be working today and even she took one look at me and was like "Oh honey we need to get you in now. You can't wait until September." Thank you! Finally someone who sees why I'm so miserable!
I am so thankful for Dr. Harrison and the fact that she actually believed there was something wrong with me. I'm at a point where I literally just can not take this anymore. From now on, I see no one but her because three other doctors have seen me, all of whom said this just needed to run it's course. Obviously there is something wrong with me or it wouldn't keep spreading and itching like this!!
Now, just to suffer through the next few days until I can get into the derm. :-/
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Where have I been?
I knew after my last long entry that I was going to be MIA recently. The end of the quarter is fast approaching. Next week is the last week of classes and then finals are the week after that! T-minus 22 days and counting til Denver! Woo hoo!
I can't believe that the countdown that's been going on since September is finally drawing to a close. I can't wait to be reunited with some of my favorite people and spend TWO WHOLE WEEKS in my favorite place. Granted, I do have homework to do (stupid independent study) while I'm there, but it'll still be fun.
Two weeks from tomorrow, Megan and I will be heading to Cleveland for our girl's weekend with Lauren! We've got tickets to see Brad Paisley on the 11th since we couldn't make the Cincinnati or Indianapolis shows and decided to make a weekend of it. I haven't seen Lauren in like a year so I'm excited to be reunited with her. She was my best friend in college and I'm so glad we're still so close. They say you go to college to meet your bridesmaids and when (if) I ever get married, Lauren will definitely be one of them. :-)
Tomorrow I leave for Athens to visit Vince for the weekend. I'm also stopping in Columbus on the way to pick up Joe who is going to go visit Daniel for the weekend. I can't wait for a weekend in one of my favorite places with more of my favorite people. Noticing a trend here?? :-P
I can't sit here and say that things have been great since my last post because in fact, I had an emotional breakdown about two weeks ago. I hit a rough spot where I spent weeks in a funk (I hid it well here, making it sound like I was okay). I found myself constantly snapping at people, crying at the drop of a hat, and feeling like I was always on the verge of a panic attack. I finally hit my breaking point one Sunday evening after youth where I drove home in tears and then laid on my bed and just sobbed for an hour. I can't even call it crying because it was full blown hysterics, all for what seemed like no reason.
I finally came to the conclusion that I was just simply overwhelmed. It has been one thing after another this year from illnesses to school to work to my personal life and I just couldn't take it anymore. Add in the mix of coming off of a year of training for a half marathon and then an emotional finish and I was just done for. After long talks with Megan and my running partner Denise, I realized I needed to learn to prioritize and accept the fact that I'm not super woman. I don't have to do everything myself. It's okay for me to ask for help when I need it and to admit that I'm not perfect. I'm not meant to carry all of my burdens myself and I need to realize that.
Since then, I've felt as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm still stressed of course because I'm a busy grad student and I will be stressed until the day I graduate but I'm able to manage it. I need to start setting aside some "me" time once a week where I don't do anything except breathe and relax. And maybe work out because that helps the stress. I need to stop planning out every single minute of my life and slow down and enjoy it. If I don't learn to relax, eventually I am going to snap and it's not going to be pretty.
I am thankful for the wonderful friends and family who have gotten me over this rough spot. I'm thankful for the coworker who called me out on my attitude at work and asked me if I was okay because it made me realize how much my bad attitude was affecting my kids and my job. I'm thankful for the best friend who dropped everything on a Sunday night to lay on my bed with me while I cried my eyes out. I'm thankful for a Savior who loves me and grants me mercy and grace, regardless of my sins and my faults.
I'm not perfect and I never will be but that's okay. This is my life and even through the rough patches, I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.
I can't believe that the countdown that's been going on since September is finally drawing to a close. I can't wait to be reunited with some of my favorite people and spend TWO WHOLE WEEKS in my favorite place. Granted, I do have homework to do (stupid independent study) while I'm there, but it'll still be fun.
Two weeks from tomorrow, Megan and I will be heading to Cleveland for our girl's weekend with Lauren! We've got tickets to see Brad Paisley on the 11th since we couldn't make the Cincinnati or Indianapolis shows and decided to make a weekend of it. I haven't seen Lauren in like a year so I'm excited to be reunited with her. She was my best friend in college and I'm so glad we're still so close. They say you go to college to meet your bridesmaids and when (if) I ever get married, Lauren will definitely be one of them. :-)
Tomorrow I leave for Athens to visit Vince for the weekend. I'm also stopping in Columbus on the way to pick up Joe who is going to go visit Daniel for the weekend. I can't wait for a weekend in one of my favorite places with more of my favorite people. Noticing a trend here?? :-P
I can't sit here and say that things have been great since my last post because in fact, I had an emotional breakdown about two weeks ago. I hit a rough spot where I spent weeks in a funk (I hid it well here, making it sound like I was okay). I found myself constantly snapping at people, crying at the drop of a hat, and feeling like I was always on the verge of a panic attack. I finally hit my breaking point one Sunday evening after youth where I drove home in tears and then laid on my bed and just sobbed for an hour. I can't even call it crying because it was full blown hysterics, all for what seemed like no reason.
I finally came to the conclusion that I was just simply overwhelmed. It has been one thing after another this year from illnesses to school to work to my personal life and I just couldn't take it anymore. Add in the mix of coming off of a year of training for a half marathon and then an emotional finish and I was just done for. After long talks with Megan and my running partner Denise, I realized I needed to learn to prioritize and accept the fact that I'm not super woman. I don't have to do everything myself. It's okay for me to ask for help when I need it and to admit that I'm not perfect. I'm not meant to carry all of my burdens myself and I need to realize that.
Since then, I've felt as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm still stressed of course because I'm a busy grad student and I will be stressed until the day I graduate but I'm able to manage it. I need to start setting aside some "me" time once a week where I don't do anything except breathe and relax. And maybe work out because that helps the stress. I need to stop planning out every single minute of my life and slow down and enjoy it. If I don't learn to relax, eventually I am going to snap and it's not going to be pretty.
I am thankful for the wonderful friends and family who have gotten me over this rough spot. I'm thankful for the coworker who called me out on my attitude at work and asked me if I was okay because it made me realize how much my bad attitude was affecting my kids and my job. I'm thankful for the best friend who dropped everything on a Sunday night to lay on my bed with me while I cried my eyes out. I'm thankful for a Savior who loves me and grants me mercy and grace, regardless of my sins and my faults.
I'm not perfect and I never will be but that's okay. This is my life and even through the rough patches, I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
How far I've come...
Not to toot my own horn, but I had to write this entry. Tonight was Tym and Amy's wedding, probably the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to. I don't want to share too many pictures yet until they can share pictures themselves, but as I was looking through the few I had on my camera (there aren't many because I was in the wedding), I couldn't help but notice how freaking skinny I look! It's a big change from where I was four years ago at this time at Denise's wedding. Here are some comparison pictures simply because I'm in awe of how far I've come in the last couple of years.
All I can say is...wow!
Four years ago at Denise's wedding (I can't believe it's been that long!)
Tonight at Tym and Amy's wedding (I was a groomswoman so my dress was black with a sash that matched the bridesmaids :-) )
All I can say is...wow!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I'm a slacker
I'm such a slacker. I promised an update over a week ago and haven't gotten around to it. Granted, the last week has been insanely busy and I have even more to add to my "note to self" entry I wrote last week. The end of the quarter is just weeks away which means I'm going to be slacking again anyway.
Random side note: I am obsessed with Easton Corbin's music and can't listen to him without thinking about Denver. Five weeks from tomorrow I'll be starting my cross country drive...I can't wait! End side note.
I gave you all the update on the half marathon already so I'll start with the weight loss and changes I want to make. I've been so frustrated with my weight and I've hit a plateau so I decided it was time for a change. My body has gotten so acclimated to the running cardio I've been doing that Denise and I decided it was time to mix things up. Plus, my eating habits got all out of wack the couple of weeks leading up to the marathon because I noticed my emotional eating side taking over as I stressed about the dating situation and last week I'd had enough. It was time to reign everything back in and that's just what I did.
I've been portioning out my food so I'm not overeating and I've stopped reaching for food everytime I get worried or bored. Instead, I've been trying to make it a habit of grabbing my water bottle instead and let me tell you, I am SICK of water! I obviously still drink it, but it's getting a bit excessive and over the weekend I actually refused to drink it at all because I just couldn't handle the "taste" of it anymore. :-P
I took all last week off from the gym to recover from the Pig, which was good because my whole body hurt for the whole week. My plan was to get back on Monday and then I woke up with a stomach bug so instead I spent all of Monday sleeping. I finally made it back to the gym last night and let me tell you, it felt incredible! I did a two mile walk/jog (cutting three minutes off of my normal two mile time!), did 15 minutes of spinning, and then did some weights before stretching out and calling it a night. I was still at the gym for my normal hour and a half, but because we mixed it up, I actually enjoyed my workout again. I told Denise this is going to have to become routine. We need to mix it up. I love to run (obviously since I'm training for another half!) but I get bored being on the treadmill all the time so I enjoyed being able to do something else last night.
Now, the dating situation. I officially called it quits with the guy I had been out on a couple of dates with. Things started to just feel weird and I just started to get this vibe that he was after one thing and one thing only and he was just making me uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time in prayer about it and went for ice cream with one of my mentors who also told me she thought I needed to walk away so that's exactly what I did. In fact, when I did break it off, he was just like "Better luck next time!" and I'm thinking, "WHAT?!" When I tell people he made that comment everyone tells me they think I'm better off for walking away. Who says that to someone they've been going out on dates with?!?
So now it's back to the drawing board which is totally fine for me. I have walked away from the online dating though. I'm tired of looking so whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. God's just going to have to drop mr. right in my lap because I'm tired of being the one having to pursue love. Plus, I'm going to be so busy in the next year that I don't need to actively seek out a distraction. If it happens, fabulous. If not, that's okay too. I don't know what God has in store for me in the relationship factor of my life but I'm trusting that He's not going to lead me astray. He has a beautiful plan for my life and that's all that matters.
I had plans to have a "me" day on Saturday, which quickly turned into a family day. I did sleep until about noonish and woke up with awful cramps and not feeling good. I took a hot shower and some ibuprofen which helped and then went grocery shopping with my mom, followed by hanging out at my sister's so we could get things together for Mother's Day. It wasn't the "me" day I had planned, but I did love every minute of being able to spend time with my family and not having the pressure of having to be somewhere like I do for the next two Saturdays.
I had a follow up appointment at the doctor's two weeks ago today. The awful rash I had is something called pitryiasis (not sure if I spelled it right or not) and it was caused by my body having a bacterial and a viral infection at once. It started with the strep throat I had back in March, followed by the allergic reaction to the amoxicillin and then my body just kept developing the infections from there. It's not contagious but it does take six weeks minimum to clear up. Well, I've had it about that long and some of it has gone away but I still look awful. The doctor told me I needed to reduce my stress and it would help clear it up, but I'm a grad student and I work full time so that's not happening anytime soon. :-P
I did find out at that appointment that my white blood count was elevated, so she told me my body was either fighting off an infection at that time or getting ready to fight off an infection. She asked me if I had any symptoms and I said no, just the rash so she told me not to be surprised if in the following couple of weeks I did develop a sore throat or a runny nose and sure enough, here I am two weeks later with congestion and a runny nose. I'm using a netti pot, which is the most disgusting thing EVER but it helps so that's all that matters.
I decided after I finished my half at the Pig that I couldn't believe a year of training had come down to one day and that it had come and gone so quickly so I decided that I wanted to run another one! I am officially in training for the Air Force Half Marathon, which is held every September at the Air Force base in Dayton. Two of my friends are training with me and while part of me of course if already nervous and worrying if I can do this again, I'm excited to take on this challenge! Bring it on Air Force!
And finally, school. There are four weeks left in the quarter (three weeks of classes and a week of finals) and then I'm done for a week before going into summer term. Originally, I was only taking one class the second half of summer but then I found out that my financial aid wouldn't cover anything unless I was enrolled for at least five credit hours so I was stressing last week at how I was going to arrange this because the only other class I could take would interfere with my trip to Denver so instead of taking it, I'm not enrolled for two hours of an independent study. I get to choose my own topic so I'm going to spend the summer researching sensory integration disorder, something one of my friend's kids has been diagnosed with and then write up a research paper on it. As nerdy as it sounds, I'm actually really excited at the idea of spending the summer doing this. Of course, it's going to be busy with the independent study, a class the second half of summer, studying for the boards, working, and training for a half marathon but it wouldn't be my life if I wasn't busy all the time!
Alright, time to head to class. There's my massive update for now. Hopefully I won't slack and take as long to post next time. :-P
Random side note: I am obsessed with Easton Corbin's music and can't listen to him without thinking about Denver. Five weeks from tomorrow I'll be starting my cross country drive...I can't wait! End side note.
I gave you all the update on the half marathon already so I'll start with the weight loss and changes I want to make. I've been so frustrated with my weight and I've hit a plateau so I decided it was time for a change. My body has gotten so acclimated to the running cardio I've been doing that Denise and I decided it was time to mix things up. Plus, my eating habits got all out of wack the couple of weeks leading up to the marathon because I noticed my emotional eating side taking over as I stressed about the dating situation and last week I'd had enough. It was time to reign everything back in and that's just what I did.
I've been portioning out my food so I'm not overeating and I've stopped reaching for food everytime I get worried or bored. Instead, I've been trying to make it a habit of grabbing my water bottle instead and let me tell you, I am SICK of water! I obviously still drink it, but it's getting a bit excessive and over the weekend I actually refused to drink it at all because I just couldn't handle the "taste" of it anymore. :-P
I took all last week off from the gym to recover from the Pig, which was good because my whole body hurt for the whole week. My plan was to get back on Monday and then I woke up with a stomach bug so instead I spent all of Monday sleeping. I finally made it back to the gym last night and let me tell you, it felt incredible! I did a two mile walk/jog (cutting three minutes off of my normal two mile time!), did 15 minutes of spinning, and then did some weights before stretching out and calling it a night. I was still at the gym for my normal hour and a half, but because we mixed it up, I actually enjoyed my workout again. I told Denise this is going to have to become routine. We need to mix it up. I love to run (obviously since I'm training for another half!) but I get bored being on the treadmill all the time so I enjoyed being able to do something else last night.
Now, the dating situation. I officially called it quits with the guy I had been out on a couple of dates with. Things started to just feel weird and I just started to get this vibe that he was after one thing and one thing only and he was just making me uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time in prayer about it and went for ice cream with one of my mentors who also told me she thought I needed to walk away so that's exactly what I did. In fact, when I did break it off, he was just like "Better luck next time!" and I'm thinking, "WHAT?!" When I tell people he made that comment everyone tells me they think I'm better off for walking away. Who says that to someone they've been going out on dates with?!?
So now it's back to the drawing board which is totally fine for me. I have walked away from the online dating though. I'm tired of looking so whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. God's just going to have to drop mr. right in my lap because I'm tired of being the one having to pursue love. Plus, I'm going to be so busy in the next year that I don't need to actively seek out a distraction. If it happens, fabulous. If not, that's okay too. I don't know what God has in store for me in the relationship factor of my life but I'm trusting that He's not going to lead me astray. He has a beautiful plan for my life and that's all that matters.
I had plans to have a "me" day on Saturday, which quickly turned into a family day. I did sleep until about noonish and woke up with awful cramps and not feeling good. I took a hot shower and some ibuprofen which helped and then went grocery shopping with my mom, followed by hanging out at my sister's so we could get things together for Mother's Day. It wasn't the "me" day I had planned, but I did love every minute of being able to spend time with my family and not having the pressure of having to be somewhere like I do for the next two Saturdays.
I had a follow up appointment at the doctor's two weeks ago today. The awful rash I had is something called pitryiasis (not sure if I spelled it right or not) and it was caused by my body having a bacterial and a viral infection at once. It started with the strep throat I had back in March, followed by the allergic reaction to the amoxicillin and then my body just kept developing the infections from there. It's not contagious but it does take six weeks minimum to clear up. Well, I've had it about that long and some of it has gone away but I still look awful. The doctor told me I needed to reduce my stress and it would help clear it up, but I'm a grad student and I work full time so that's not happening anytime soon. :-P
I did find out at that appointment that my white blood count was elevated, so she told me my body was either fighting off an infection at that time or getting ready to fight off an infection. She asked me if I had any symptoms and I said no, just the rash so she told me not to be surprised if in the following couple of weeks I did develop a sore throat or a runny nose and sure enough, here I am two weeks later with congestion and a runny nose. I'm using a netti pot, which is the most disgusting thing EVER but it helps so that's all that matters.
I decided after I finished my half at the Pig that I couldn't believe a year of training had come down to one day and that it had come and gone so quickly so I decided that I wanted to run another one! I am officially in training for the Air Force Half Marathon, which is held every September at the Air Force base in Dayton. Two of my friends are training with me and while part of me of course if already nervous and worrying if I can do this again, I'm excited to take on this challenge! Bring it on Air Force!
And finally, school. There are four weeks left in the quarter (three weeks of classes and a week of finals) and then I'm done for a week before going into summer term. Originally, I was only taking one class the second half of summer but then I found out that my financial aid wouldn't cover anything unless I was enrolled for at least five credit hours so I was stressing last week at how I was going to arrange this because the only other class I could take would interfere with my trip to Denver so instead of taking it, I'm not enrolled for two hours of an independent study. I get to choose my own topic so I'm going to spend the summer researching sensory integration disorder, something one of my friend's kids has been diagnosed with and then write up a research paper on it. As nerdy as it sounds, I'm actually really excited at the idea of spending the summer doing this. Of course, it's going to be busy with the independent study, a class the second half of summer, studying for the boards, working, and training for a half marathon but it wouldn't be my life if I wasn't busy all the time!
Alright, time to head to class. There's my massive update for now. Hopefully I won't slack and take as long to post next time. :-P
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